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was that very stumbling and erring which I so regret。
XVII
Why do I give so much of my time to the reading of history？ Is it in any sense profitable to me？ What new light can I hope for on the nature of man？ What new guidance for the direction of my own life through the few years that may remain to me？ But it is with no such purpose that I read these voluminous books； they gratify……or seem to gratify……a mere curiosity； and scarcely have I closed a volume； when the greater part of what I have read in it is forgotten。
Heaven forbid that I should remember all！ Many a time I have said to myself that I would close the dreadful record of human life； lay it for ever aside； and try to forget it。 Somebody declares that history is a manifestation of the triumph of good over evil。 The good prevails now and then； no doubt； but how local and transitory is such triumph。 If historic tomes had a voice； it would sound as one long moan of anguish。 Think steadfastly of the past； and one sees that only by defect of imaginative power can any man endure to dwell with it。 History is a nightmare of horrors； we relish it； because we love pictures； and because all that man has suffered is to man rich in interest。 But make real to yourself the vision of every blood…stained page……stand in the presence of the ravening conqueror； the savage tyrant……tread the stones of the dungeon and of the torture…room……feel the fire of the stake……hear the cries of that multitude which no man can number； the victims of calamity； of oppression； of fierce injustice in its myriad forms； in every land； in every age……and what joy have you of your historic reading？ One would need to be a devil to understand it thus； and yet to delight in it。
Injustice……there is the loathed crime which curses the memory of the world。 The slave doomed by his lord's caprice to perish under tortures……one feels it a dreadful and intolerable thing； but it is merely the crude presentment of what has been done and endured a million times in every stage of civilization。 Oh； the last thoughts of those who have agonized unto death amid wrongs to which no man would give ear！ That appeal of innocence in anguish to the hard； mute heavens！ Were there only one such instance in all the chronicles of time； it should doom the past to abhorred oblivion。 Yet injustice； the basest； the most ferocious； is inextricable from warp and woof in the tissue of things gone by。 And if anyone soothes himself with the reflection that such outrages can happen no more； that mankind has passed beyond such hideous possibility； he is better acquainted with books than with human nature。
It were wiser to spend my hours with the books which bring no aftertaste of bitterness……with the great poets whom I love； with the thinkers； with the gentle writers of pages that soothe and tranquillize。 Many a volume regards me from the shelf as though reproachfully； shall I never again take it in my hands？ Yet the words are golden； and I would fain treasure them all in my heart's memory。 Perhaps the last fault of which I shall cure myself is that habit of mind which urges me to seek knowledge。 Was I not yesterday on the point of ordering a huge work of erudition； which I should certainly never have read through； and which would only have served to waste precious days？ It is the Puritan in my blood； I suppose； which forbids me to recognise frankly that all I have now to do is to ENJOY。 This is wisdom。 The time for acquisition has gone by。 I am not foolish enough to set myself learning a new language； why should I try to store my memory with useless knowledge of the past？
e； once more before I die I will read Don Quixote。
XVIII
Somebody has been making a speech； reported at a couple of columns' length in the paper。 As I glance down the waste of print； one word catches my eye again and again。 It's all about 〃science〃……and therefore doesn't concern me。
I wonder whether there are many men who have the same feeling with regard to 〃science〃 as I have？ It is something more than a prejudice； often it takes the form of a dread； almost a terror。 Even those branches of science which are concerned with things that interest me……which deal with plants and animals and the heaven of stars……even these I cannot contemplate without uneasiness； a spiritual disaffection； new discoveries； new theories； however they engage my intelligence； soon weary me； and in some way depress。 When it es to other kinds of science……the sciences blatant and ubiquitous……the science by which men bee millionaires……I am possessed with an angry hostility； a resentful apprehension。 This was born in me； no doubt； I cannot trace it to circumstances of my life； or to any particular moment of my mental growth。 My boyish delight in Carlyle doubtless nourished the temper； but did not Carlyle so delight me because of what was already in my mind？ I remember； as a lad； looking at plicated machinery with a shrinking uneasiness which； of course； I did not understand； I remember the sort of disturbed contemptuousness with which； in my time of 〃examinations；〃 I dismissed 〃science papers。〃 It is intelligible enough to me； now； that unformed fear： the ground of my antipathy has grown clear enough。 I hate and fear 〃science〃 because of my conviction that； for long to e if not for ever； it will be the remorseless enemy of mankind。 I see it destroying all simplicity and gentleness of life； all the beauty of the world； I see it restoring barbarism under a mask of civilization； I see it darkening men's minds and hardening their hearts； I see it bringing a time of vast conflicts； which will pale into insignificance 〃the thousand wars of old；〃 and； as likely as not； will whelm all the laborious advances of mankind in blood…drenched chaos。
Yet to rail against it is as idle as to quarrel with any other force of nature。 For myself； I can hold apart； and see as little as possible of the thing I deem accursed。 But I think of some who are dear to me； whose life will be lived in the hard and fierce new age。 The roaring 〃Jubilee〃 of last summer was for me an occasion of sadness； it meant that so much was over and gone……so much of good and noble； the like of which the world will not see again； and that a new time of which only the perils are clearly visible； is rushing upon us。 Oh； the generous hopes and aspirations of forty years ago！ Science； then； was seen as the deliverer； only a few could prophesy its tyranny； could foresee that it would revive old evils and trample on the promises of its beginning。 This is the course of things； we must accept it。 But it is some fort to me that I…… poor little mortal……have had no part in bringing the tyrant to his throne。
XIX
The Christmas bells drew me forth this morning。 With but half… formed purpose； I walked through soft； hazy sunshine towards the city； and came into the Cathedral Close； and； after lingering awhile； heard the first notes of the organ； and so entered。 I believe it is more than thirty years since I was in an English church on Christmas Day。 The old time and the old faces lived again for me； I saw myself on the far side of the abyss of years……that self which is not myself at all； though I mark points of kindred between the beings of then and now。 He who in that other world sat to hear the Christmas gospel； either heeded it not at all……rapt in his own visions……or listened only as one in whose blood was heresy。 He loved the notes of the organ； but； even in his childish mind； distinguished clearly between the music and its local motive。 More than that； he could separate the melody of word and of thought from their dogmatic significance； enjoying the one whilst wholly rejecting the other。 〃On earth peace； goodwill to men〃……already that line was among the treasures of his intellect； but only； no doubt； because of its rhythm； its sonority。 Life； to him； was a half…conscious striving for the harmonic in thought and speech……and through what a tumult of unmelodious circumstance was he beginning to fight his way！
To…day； I listen with no heretical promptings。 The music； whether of organ or of word； is more to me than ever； the literal meaning causes me no restiveness。 I felt only glad that I had yielded to the summons of the Christmas bells。 I sat among a congregation of shadows； not in the great cathedral； but in a little parish church far from here。 When I came forth； it astonished me to see the softly radiant sky； and to tread on the moist earth； my dream expected a wind…swept canopy of cold grey； and all beneath it the gleam of new…fallen snow。 It is a piety to turn awhile and live with the dead； and who can so well indulge it as he whose Christmas is passed in no unhappy solitude？ I would not now； if I might； be one of a joyous pany； it is better to hear the long…silent voices； and to smile at happy things which I alone can remember。 When I was scarce old enough to understand； I heard read by the fireside the Christmas stanzas of 〃In Memoriam。〃 To…night I have taken down the volume； and the voice of so long ago has read to me once again……read as no other ever did； that voice which taught me to know poetry； the voice which never spoke to me but of good and noble things。 Would I have those accents overborne by a living tongue； however wele its sound at another time？ Jealously