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the Circumlocution Office。 Its finger was in the largest public pie；
and in the smallest public tart。 It possible to do the
plainest right and to undo the plainest wrong without the express
authority of the Circumlocution Office。 If another Gunpowder Plot had
been discovered half an hour before the lighting of the match； nobody
would have been justified in saving the parliament until there had
been half a score of boards； half a bushel of minutes； several sacks
of official memoranda； and a family…vault full of ungrammatical
correspondence； on the part of the Circumlocution Office。
This glorious establishment had been early in the field； when the one
sublime principle involving the difficult art of governing a country；
was first distinctly revealed to statesmen。 It had been foremost to
study that bright revelation and to carry its shining influence through
the whole of the official proceedings。 Whatever was required to be done；
the Circumlocution Office was beforehand with all the public departments
in the art of perceiving……HOW NOT TO DO IT。
Through this delicate perception； through the tact with which it
invariably seized it； and through the genius with which it always acted
on it； the Circumlocution Office had risen to overtop all the public
departments； and the public condition had risen to be……what it was。
It is true that How not to do it was the great study and object of
all public departments and professional politicians all round the
Circumlocution Office。 It is true that every new premier and every
new government； ing in because they had upheld a certain thing as
necessary to be done； were no sooner e in than they applied their
utmost faculties to discovering How not to do it。 It is true that from
the moment when a general election was over； every returned man who had
been raving on hustings because it hadn't been done； and who had been
asking the friends of the honourable gentleman in the opposite interest
on pain of impeachment to tell him why it hadn't been done； and who had
been asserting that it must be done； and who had been pledging himself
that it should be done； began to devise； How it was not to be done。 It
is true that the debates of both Houses of Parliament the whole session
through； uniformly tended to the protracted deliberation； How not to
do it。 It is true that the royal speech at the opening of such session
virtually said； My lords and gentlemen； you have a considerable
stroke of work to do； and you will please to retire to your respective
chambers； and discuss； How not to do it。 It is true that the royal
speech； at the close of such session； virtually said； My lords and
gentlemen； you have through several laborious months been considering
with great loyalty and patriotism； How not to do it； and you have found
out； and with the blessing of Providence upon the harvest （natural； not
political）； I now dismiss you。 All this is true； but the Circumlocution
Office went beyond it。
Because the Circumlocution Office went on mechanically； every day；
keeping this wonderful； all…sufficient wheel of statesmanship； How not
to do it； in motion。 Because the Circumlocution Office was down upon any
ill…advised public servant who was going to do it； or who appeared to be
by any surprising accident in remote danger of doing it； with a minute；
and a memorandum； and a letter of instructions that extinguished him。 It
was this spirit of national efficiency in the Circumlocution Office
that had gradually led to its having something to do with everything。
Mechanicians； natural philosophers； soldiers； sailors； petitioners；
memorialists； people with grievances； people who wanted to prevent
grievances； people who wanted to redress grievances； jobbing people；
jobbed people； people who couldn't get rewarded for merit； and people
who couldn't get punished for demerit； were all indiscriminately tucked
up under the foolscap paper of the Circumlocution Office。
Numbers of people were lost in the Circumlocution Office。 Unfortunates
with wrongs； or with projects for the general welfare （and they had
better have had wrongs at first； than have taken that bitter English
recipe for certainly getting them）； who in slow lapse of time and agony
had passed safely through other public departments； who； according to
rule； had been bullied in this； over…reached by that； and evaded by
the other； got referred at last to the Circumlocution Office； and
never reappeared in the light of day。 Boards sat upon them； secretaries
minuted upon them； missioners gabbled about them； clerks registered；
entered； checked； and ticked them off； and they melted away。 In short；
all the business of the country went through the Circumlocution Office；
except the business that never came out of it； and its name was Legion。
Sometimes； angry spirits attacked the Circumlocution Office。 Sometimes；
parliamentary questions were asked about it； and even parliamentary
motions made or threatened about it by demagogues so low and ignorant as
to hold that the real recipe of government was； How to do it。 Then would
the noble lord； or right honourable gentleman； in whose department it
was to defend the Circumlocution Office； put an orange in his pocket；
and make a regular field…day of the occasion。 Then would he e down to
that house with a slap upon the table； and meet the honourable gentleman
foot to foot。 Then would he be there to tell that honourable gentleman
that the Circumlocution Office not only was blameless in this matter；
but was mendable in this matter； was extollable to the skies in this
matter。 Then would he be there to tell that honourable gentleman that；
although the Circumlocution Office was invariably right and wholly
right； it never was so right as in this matter。 Then would he be there
to tell that honourable gentleman that it would have been more to his
honour； more to his credit； more to his good taste； more to his good
sense； more to half the dictionary of monplaces； if he had left the
Circumlocution Office alone； and never approached this matter。 Then
would he keep one eye upon a coach or crammer from the Circumlocution
Office sitting below the bar； and smash the honourable gentleman with
the Circumlocution Office account of this matter。 And although one
of two things always happened； namely； either that the Circumlocution
Office had nothing to say and said it； or that it had something to say
of which the noble lord； or right honourable gentleman； blundered one
half and forgot the other； the Circumlocution Office was always voted
immaculate by an acmodating majority。
Such a nursery of statesmen had the Department bee in virtue of a
long career of this nature； that several solemn lords had attained the
reputation of being quite unearthly prodigies of business； solely from
having practised； How not to do it； as the head of the Circumlocution
Office。 As to the minor priests and acolytes of that temple； the result
of all this was that they stood divided into two classes； and； down to
the junior messenger； either believed in the Circumlocution Office as
a heaven…born institution that had an absolute right to do whatever it
liked； or took refuge in total infidelity； and considered it a flagrant
nuisance。
The Barnacle family had for some time helped to administer the
Circumlocution Office。 The Tite Barnacle Branch； indeed； considered
themselves in a general way as having vested rights in that direction；
and took it ill if any other family had much to say to it。 The Barnacles
were a very high family； and a very large family。 They were dispersed
all over the public offices； and held all sorts of public places。 Either
the nation was under a load of obligation to the Barnacles； or the
Barnacles were under a load of obligation to the nation。 It was not
quite unanimously settled which； the Barnacles having their opinion； the
nation theirs。
The Mr Tite Barnacle who at the period now in question usually coached
or crammed the statesman at the head of the Circumlocution Office； when
that noble or right honourable individual sat a little uneasily in his
saddle by reason of some vagabond making a tilt at him in a newspaper；
was more flush of blood than money。 As a Barnacle he had his place；
which was a snug thing enough； and as a Barnacle he had of course put
in his son Barnacle Junior in the office。 But he had intermarried with
a branch of the Stiltstalkings； who were also better endowed in a
sanguineous point of view than with real or personal property； and of
this marriage there had been issue； Barnacle junior and three young
ladies。 What ents of Barnacle junior； the
three young ladies； Mrs Tite Barnacle nee Stiltstalking； and himself；
Mr Tite Barnacle found the intervals between quarter day and quarter day
rather longer than he could have desired； a circumstance which he always
attributed to the country's parsimony。 For Mr Tite Barnacle； Mr Arthur
Clennam made his fifth inquiry one day at the Circumlocution Office；
having on previous occasions awaited that gentleman successively in a
hall； a glass case； a waiting room； and a fire…proof passage where the
Department seemed to keep its wind。 On this occasion Mr Barnacle was not
engaged； as he