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cloaths。 She dresses and endeavours to look like her mistress；
although her own looks are much more engaging。 She enters into
her scheme of oeconomy； learns her phrases； repeats her remarks；
imitates her stile in scolding the inferior servants； and；
finally； subscribes implicitly to her system of devotion。 This；
indeed； she found the more agreeable； as it was in a great
measure introduced and confirmed by the ministry of Clinker； with
whose personal merit she seems to have been struck ever since he
exhibited the pattern of his naked skin at Marlborough。
Nevertheless； though Humphry had this double hank upon her
inclinations； and exerted all his power to maintain the conquest
he had made； he found it impossible to guard it on the side of
vanity； where poor Win was as frail as any female in the kingdom。
In short； my rascal Dutton professed himself her admirer； and； by
dint of his outlandish qualifications； threw his rival Clinker
out of the saddle of her heart。 Humphry may be compared to an
English pudding； composed of good wholesome flour and suet； and
Dutton to a syllabub or iced froth； which； though agreeable to
the taste； has nothing solid or substantial。 The traitor not only
dazzled her； with his second…hand finery； but he fawned； and
flattered； and cringed he taught her to take rappee； and
presented her with a snuff…box of papier mache he supplied her
with a powder for her teeth he mended her complexion； and he
dressed her hair in the Paris fashion he undertook to be her
French master and her dancing…master； as well as friseur； and
thus imperceptibly wound himself into her good graces。 Clinker
perceived the progress he had made； and repined in secret。 He
attempted to open her eyes in the way of exhortation； and finding
it produced no effect had recourse to prayer。 At Newcastle； while
he attended Mrs Tabby to the methodist meeting his rival
accompanied Mrs Jenkins to the play。 He was dressed in a silk
coat； made at Paris for his former master； with a tawdry
waistcoat of tarnished brocade； he wore his hair in a great bag
with a huge solitaire； and a long sword dangled from his thigh。
The lady was all of a flutter with faded lutestring； washed
gauze； and ribbons three times refreshed； but she was most
remarkable for the frisure of her head； which rose； like a
pyramid； seven inches above the scalp； and her face was primed
and patched from the chin up to the eyes； nay； the gallant
himself had spared neither red nor white in improving the nature
of his own complexion。 In this attire； they walked together
through the high street to the theatre； and as they passed for
players ready dressed for acting； they reached it unmolested； but
as it was still light when they returned； and by that time the
people had got information of their real character and condition；
they hissed and hooted all the way； and Mrs Jenkins was all
bespattered with dirt； as well as insulted with the opprobrious
name of painted Jezabel； so that her fright and mortification
threw her into an hysteric fit the moment she came home。
Clinker was so incensed at Dutton； whom he considered as the
cause of her disgrace； that he upbraided him severely for having
turned the poor woman's brain。 The other affected to treat him
with contempt； and mistaking his forbearance for want of courage；
threatened to horse…whip him into good manners。 Humphry then came
to me； humbly begging I would give him leave to chastise my
servant for his insolence 'He has challenged me to fight him at
sword's point （said he）； but I might as well challenge him to
make a horse…shoe； or a plough iron； for I know no more of the
one than he does of the other。 Besides； it doth not become
servants to use those weapons； or to claim the privilege of
gentlemen to kill one another when they fall out； moreover； I
would not have his blood upon my conscience for ten thousand
times the profit or satisfaction I should get by his death； but
if your honour won't be angry； I'll engage to gee 'en a good
drubbing； that； may hap； will do 'en service； and I'll take care
it shall do 'en no harm。' I said； I had no objection to what he
proposed； provided he could manage matters so as not to be found
the aggressor； in case Dutton should prosecute him for an assault
and battery。
Thus licensed； he retired； and that same evening easily provoked
his rival to strike the first blow； which Clinker returned with
such interest that he was obliged to call for quarter； declaring；
at the same time； that he would exact severe and bloody
satisfaction the moment we should pass the border； when he could
run him through the body without fear of the consequence。 This
scene passed in presence of lieutenant Lismahago； who encouraged
Clinker to hazard a thrust of cold iron with his antagonist。
'Cold iron （cried Humphry） I shall never use against the life of
any human creature； but I am so far from being afraid of his cold
iron； that I shall use nothing in my defence but a good cudgel；
which shall always be at his service。' In the mean time； the fair
cause of this contest； Mrs Winifred Jenkins； seemed overwhelmed
with affliction； and Mr Clinker acted much on the reserve； though
he did not presume to find fault with her conduct。
The dispute between the two rivals was soon brought to a very
unexpected issue。 Among our fellow…lodgers at Berwick； was a
couple from London； bound to Edinburgh； on the voyage of
matrimony。 The female was the daughter and heiress of a
pawnbroker deceased； who had given her guardians the slip； and
put herself under the tuition of a tall Hibernian； who had
conducted her thus far in quest of a clergyman to unite them in
marriage； without the formalities required by the law of England。
I know not how the lover had behaved on the road； so as to
decline in the favour of his inamorata； but； in all probability；
Dutton perceived a coldness on her side； which encouraged him to
whisper； it was a pity she should have cast affections upon a
taylor； which he affirmed the Irishman to be。 This discovery
completed her disgust； of which my man taking the advantage；
began to recommend himself to her good graces； and the smooth…tongued
rascal found no difficulty to insinuate himself into the
place of her heart； from which the other had been discarded
Their resolution was immediately taken。 In the morning； before
day； while poor Teague lay snoring a…bed； his indefatigable rival
ordered a post…chaise； and set out with the lady for Coldstream；
a few miles up the Tweed； where there was a parson who dealt in
this branch of commerce； and there they were noosed； before the
Irishman ever dreamt of the matter。 But when he got up at six
o'clock； and found the bird was flown； he made such a noise as
alarmed the whole house。 One of the first persons he encountered；
was the postilion returned from Coldstream； where he had been
witness to the marriage； and over and above an handsome gratuity；
had received a bride's favour； which he now wore in his cap When
the forsaken lover understood they were actually married； and set
out for London； and that Dutton had discovered to the lady； that
he （the Hibernian） was a taylor； he had like to have run
distracted。 He tore the ribbon from the fellow's cap； and beat it
about his ears。 He swore he would pursue him to the gates of
hell； and ordered a post…chaise and four to be got ready as soon
as possible； but； recollecting that his finances would not admit
of this way of travelling； he was obliged to countermand this
order。
For my part； I knew nothing at all of what had happened； till the
postilion brought me the keys of my trunk and portmanteau； which
he had received from Dutton； who sent me his respects； hoping I
would excuse him for his abrupt departure； as it was a step upon
which his fortune depended。 Before I had time to make my uncle
acquainted with this event； the Irishman burst into my chamber；
without any introduction； exclaiming； 'By my soul； your sarvant
has robbed me of five thousand pounds； and I'll have
satisfaction； if I should be hanged tomorrow。' When I asked him
who he was； 'My name （said he） is Master Macloughlin but it
should be Leighlin Oneale； for I am come from Tir…Owen the Great；
and so I am as good a gentleman as any in Ireland； and that
rogue； your sarvant； said I was a taylor； which was as big a lie
as if he had called me the pope I'm a man of fortune； and have
spent all I had； and so being in distress； Mr Coshgrave； the
fashioner in Shuffolk…street； tuck me out； and made me his own
private shecretary： by the same token； I was the last he bailed；
for his friends obliged him to tie himself up； that he would bail
no more above ten pounds； for why； becaase as how； he could not
refuse any body that asked； and therefore in time would have
robbed himself of his whole fortune； and； if he had lived long at
that rate； must have died bankrupt very soon and so I made my
addresses to Miss Skinner； a young lady of five thousand pounds
fortune； who agreed to take me for better nor worse； and； to be
sure； this day would have put me in possession； if it had not
been for that rogue； your sarvant； who came like a tief； and
stole away my property； and