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asked out to dinner。
Poor Pop is not very high in the scale of created beings； but； if you
fancy there is none lower； you are in egregious error。 There was once a
man who had a mysterious exhibition of an animal； quite unknown to
naturalists； called 〃the wusser。〃 Those curious individuals who desired to
see the wusser were introduced into an apartment where appeared before
them nothing more than a little lean shrivelled hideous blear…eyed mangy
pig。 Everyone cried out 〃Swindle！〃 and 〃Shame！〃 〃Patience； gentlemen；
be heasy；〃 said the showman： 〃look at that there hanimal； it's a perfect
phenomaly of hugliness： I engage you never see such a pig。〃 Nobody ever
had seen。 〃Now； gentlemen；〃 said he； 〃I'll keep my promise； has per bill；
and bad as that there pig is； look at this here〃 （he showed another）。 〃Look
at this here； and you'll see at once that it's A WUSSER。〃 In like manner the
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Popjoy breed is bad enough； but it serves only to show off the Galgenstein
race； which is WUSSER。
Galgenstein had led a very gay life； as the saying is； for the last fifteen
years； such a gay one； that he had lost all capacity of enjoyment by this
time； and only possessed inclinations without powers of gratifying them。
He had grown to be exquisitely curious and fastidious about meat and
drink； for instance； and all that he wanted was an appetite。 He carried
about with him a French cook； who could not make him eat； a doctor； who
could not make him well； a mistress； of whom he was heartily sick after
two days； a priest； who had been a favourite of the exemplary Dubois； and
by turns used to tickle him by the imposition of penance； or by the
repetition of a tale from the recueil of Noce； or La Fare。 All his appetites
were wasted and worn； only some monstrosity would galvanise them into
momentary action。 He was in that effete state to which many noblemen of
his time had arrived； who were ready to believe in ghost…raising or in
gold…making； or to retire into monasteries and wear hair…shirts； or to
dabble in conspiracies； or to die in love with little cook…maids of fifteen；
or to pine for the smiles or at the frowns of a prince of the blood； or to go
mad at the refusal of a chamberlain's key。 The last gratification he
remembered to have enjoyed was that of riding bareheaded in a soaking
rain for three hours by the side of his Grand Duke's mistress's coach；
taking the pas of Count Krahwinkel； who challenged him； and was run
through the body for this very dispute。 Galgenstein gained a rheumatic
gout by it； which put him to tortures for many months； and was further
gratified with the post of English Envoy。 He had a fortune； he asked no
salary； and could look the envoy very well。 Father O'Flaherty did all the
duties； and furthermore acted as a spy over the ambassadora sinecure
post； for the man had no feelings； wishes； or opinionsabsolutely none。
〃Upon my life； father；〃 said this worthy man； 〃I care for nothing。 You
have been talking for an hour about the Regent's death； and the Duchess of
Phalaris； and sly old Fleury； and what not； and I care just as much as if you
told me that one of my bauers at Galgenstein had killed a pig； or as if my
lacquey； La Rose yonder； had made love to my mistress。〃
〃He does！〃 said the reverend gentleman。
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〃Ah； Monsieur l'Abbe！〃 said La Rose； who was arranging his master's
enormous Court periwig； 〃you are； helas！ wrong。 Monsieur le Comte will
not be angry at my saying that I wish the accusation were true。〃
The Count did not take the slightest notice of La Rose's wit； but
continued his own complaints。
〃I tell you； Abbe； I care for nothing。 I lost a thousand guineas t'other
night at basset； I wish to my heart I could have been vexed about it。 Egad！
I remember the day when to lose a hundred made me half mad for a month。
Well； next day I had my revenge at dice； and threw thirteen mains。 There
was some delay； a call for fresh bones； I think； and would you believe it？
I fell asleep with the box in my hand！〃
〃A desperate case； indeed；〃 said the Abbe。
〃If it had not been for Krahwinkel； I should have been a dead man；
that's positive。 That pinking him saved me。〃
〃I make no doubt of it；〃 said the Abbe。 〃Had your Excellency not run
him through； he； without a doubt； would have done the same for you。〃
〃Psha！ you mistake my words； Monsieur l'Abbe〃 （yawning）。 〃I mean
what cursed chocolate！that I was dying for want of excitement。 Not that I
cared for dying； no； d me if I do！〃
〃WHEN you do； your Excellency means；〃 said the Abbe； a fat grey…
haired Irishman； from the Irlandois College at Paris。
His Excellency did not laugh； nor understand jokes of any kind； he
was of an undeviating stupidity； and only replied； 〃Sir； I mean what I say。 I
don't care for living： no； nor for dying either； but I can speak as well as
another； and I'll thank you not to be correcting my phrases as if I were one
of your cursed schoolboys； and not a gentleman of fortune and blood。〃
Herewith the Count； who had uttered four sentences about himself （he
never spoke of anything else）； sunk back on his pillows again； quite
exhausted by his eloquence。 The Abbe； who had a seat and a table by the
bedside； resumed the labours which had brought him into the room in the
morning； and busied himself with papers； which occasionally he handed
over to his superior for approval。
Presently Monsieur la Rose appeared。
〃Here is a person with clothes from Mr。 Beinkleider's。 Will your
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Excellency see him； or shall I bid him leave the clothes？〃
The Count was very much fatigued by this time； he had signed three
papers； and read the first half…a…dozen lines of a pair of them。
〃Bid the fellow come in； La Rose； and； hark ye； give me my wig： one
must show one's self to be a gentleman before these scoundrels。〃 And he
therefore mounted a large chestnut…coloured； orange…scented pyramid of
horsehair； which was to awe the new…comer。
He was a lad of about seventeen； in a smart waistcoat and a blue
riband： our friend Tom Billings； indeed。 He carried under his arm the
Count's destined breeches。 He did not seem in the least awed； however； by
his Excellency's appearance； but looked at him with a great degree of
curiosity and boldness。 In the same manner he surveyed the chaplain； and
then nodded to him with a kind look of recognition。
〃Where have I seen the lad？〃 said the father。 〃Oh； I have it！ My good
friend； you were at the hanging yesterday； I think？〃
Mr。 Billings gave a very significant nod with his head。 〃I never miss；〃
said he。
〃What a young Turk！ And pray； sir； do you go for pleasure； or for
business？〃
〃Business！ what do you mean by business？〃
〃Oh； I did not know whether you might be brought up to the trade； or
your relations be undergoing the operation。〃
〃My relations；〃 said Mr。 Billings； proudly； and staring the Count full in
the face； 〃was not made for no such thing。 I'm a tailor now； but I'm a
gentleman's son： as good a man； ay； as his lordship there： for YOU a'n't his
lordshipyou're the Popish priest you are； and we were very near giving
you a touch of a few Protestant stones； master。〃
The Count began to be a little amused： he was pleased to see the Abbe
look alarmed； or even foolish。
〃Egad； Abbe；〃 said he； 〃you turn as white as a sheet。〃
〃I don't fancy being murdered； my Lord；〃 said the Abbe； hastily； 〃and
murdered for a good work。 It was but to be useful to yonder poor Irishman；
who saved me as a prisoner in Flanders； when Marlborough would have
hung me up like poor Macshane himself was yesterday。〃
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〃Ah！〃 said the Count； bursting out with some energy； 〃I w