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Plyant threatens to disclaim you for a son…in…law； and my Lord Froth
won't dance at your wedding to…morrow； nor； the deuce take me； I
won't write your Epithalamiumand see what a condition you're like
to be brought to。
MEL。 Well； I'll speak but three words； and follow you。
BRISK。 Enough； enough。 Careless； bring your apprehension along
with you。
SCENE III。
MELLEFONT； CARELESS。
CARE。 Pert coxcomb。
MEL。 Faith； 'tis a good…natured coxcomb； and has very entertaining
follies。 You must be more humane to him； at this juncture it will
do me service。 I'll tell you； I would have mirth continued this day
at any rate； though patience purchase folly； and attention be paid
with noise； there are times when sense may be unseasonable as well
as truth。 Prithee do thou wear none to…day； but allow Brisk to have
wit； that thou may'st seem a fool。
CARE。 Why； how now； why this extravagant proposition？
MEL。 Oh； I would have no room for serious design； for I am jealous
of a plot。 I would have noise and impertinence keep my Lady
Touchwood's head from working： for hell is not more busy than her
brain； nor contains more devils than that imaginations。
CARE。 I thought your fear of her had been over。 Is not to…morrow
appointed for your marriage with Cynthia； and her father； Sir Paul
Plyant； come to settle the writings this day on purpose？
MEL。 True； but you shall judge whether I have not reason to be
alarmed。 None besides you and Maskwell are acquainted with the
secret of my Aunt Touchwood's violent passion for me。 Since my
first refusal of her addresses she has endeavoured to do me all ill
offices with my uncle； yet has managed 'em with that subtilty； that
to him they have borne the face of kindness； while her malice； like
a dark lanthorn； only shone upon me where it was directed。 Still；
it gave me less perplexity to prevent the success of her displeasure
than to avoid the importunities of her love； and of two evils I
thought myself favoured in her aversion。 But whether urged by her
despair and the short prospect of time she saw to accomplish her
designs； whether the hopes of revenge； or of her love； terminated in
the view of this my marriage with Cynthia； I know not； but this
morning she surprised me in my bed。
CARE。 Was there ever such a fury！ 'Tis well nature has not put it
into her sex's power to ravish。 Well； bless us； proceed。 What
followed？
MEL。 What at first amazed mefor I looked to have seen her in all
the transports of a slighted and revengeful womanbut when I
expected thunder from her voice； and lightning in her eyes； I saw
her melted into tears and hushed into a sigh。 It was long before
either of us spoke： passion had tied her tongue； and amazement
mine。 In short； the consequence was thus； she omitted nothing that
the most violent love could urge； or tender words express； which
when she saw had no effect； but still I pleaded honour and nearness
of blood to my uncle； then came the storm I feared at first； for；
starting from my bed…side like a fury； she flew to my sword； and
with much ado I prevented her doing me or herself a mischief。
Having disarmed her； in a gust of passion she left me； and in a
resolution； confirmed by a thousand curses； not to close her eyes
till they had seen my ruin。
CARE。 Exquisite woman！ But what the devil； does she think thou
hast no more sense than to get an heir upon her body to disinherit
thyself？ for as I take it this settlement upon you is； with a
proviso； that your uncle have no children。
MEL。 It is so。 Well； the service you are to do me will be a
pleasure to yourself： I must get you to engage my Lady Plyant all
this evening； that my pious aunt may not work her to her interest。
And if you chance to secure her to yourself； you may incline her to
mine。 She's handsome； and knows it； is very silly； and thinks she
has sense； and has an old fond husband。
CARE。 I confess； a very fair foundation for a lover to build upon。
MEL。 For my Lord Froth； he and his wife will be sufficiently taken
up with admiring one another and Brisk's gallantry； as they call it。
I'll observe my uncle myself； and Jack Maskwell has promised me to
watch my aunt narrowly； and give me notice upon any suspicion。 As
for Sir Paul； my wise father…in…law that is to be； my dear Cynthia
has such a share in his fatherly fondness； he would scarce make her
a moment uneasy to have her happy hereafter。
CARE。 So you have manned your works； but I wish you may not have
the weakest guard where the enemy is strongest。
MEL。 Maskwell； you mean； prithee why should you suspect him？
CARE。 Faith I cannot help it； you know I never liked him： I am a
little superstitious in physiognomy。
MEL。 He has obligations of gratitude to bind him to me： his
dependence upon my uncle is through my means。
CARE。 Upon your aunt； you mean。
MEL。 My aunt！
CARE。 I'm mistaken if there be not a familiarity between them you
do not suspect； notwithstanding her passion for you。
MEL。 Pooh； pooh！ nothing in the world but his design to do me
service； and he endeavours to be well in her esteem； that he may be
able to effect it。
CARE。 Well； I shall be glad to be mistaken； but your aunt's
aversion in her revenge cannot be any way so effectually shown as in
bringing forth a child to disinherit you。 She is handsome and
cunning and naturally wanton。 Maskwell is flesh and blood at best；
and opportunities between them are frequent。 His affection to you；
you have confessed； is grounded upon his interest； that you have
transplanted； and should it take root in my lady； I don't see what
you can expect from the fruit。
MEL。 I confess the consequence is visible； were your suspicions
just。 But see； the company is broke up； let's meet 'em。
SCENE IV。
＇To them＇ LORD TOUCHWOOD； LORD FROTH； SIR PAUL PLYANT； and BRISK。
LORD TOUCH。 Out upon't； nephew。 Leave your father…in…law and me to
maintain our ground against young people！
MEL。 I beg your lordship's pardon。 We were just returning。
SIR PAUL。 Were you； son？ Gadsbud； much better as it is。 Good；
strange！ I swear I'm almost tipsy； t'other bottle would have been
too powerful for me；as sure as can be it would。 We wanted your
company； but Mr。 Briskwhere is he？ I swear and vow he's a most
facetious person； and the best company。 And； my Lord Froth； your
lordship is so merry a man； he； he； he。
LORD FROTH。 Oh； foy； Sir Paul； what do you mean？ Merry！ Oh；
barbarous！ I'd as lieve you called me fool。
SIR PAUL。 Nay； I protest and vow now； 'tis true； when Mr。 Brisk
jokes； your lordship's laugh does so become you； he； he； he。
LORD FROTH。 Ridiculous！ Sir Paul； you're strangely mistaken； I
find champagne is powerful。 I assure you； Sir Paul； I laugh at
nobody's jest but my own； or a lady's； I assure you； Sir Paul。
BRISK。 How？ how； my lord？ what； affront my wit！ Let me perish； do
I never say anything worthy to be laughed at？
LORD FROTH。 Oh； foy； don't misapprehend me； I don't say so； for I
often smile at your conceptions。 But there is nothing more
unbecoming a man of quality than to laugh； 'tis such a vulgar
expression of the passion； everybody can laugh。 Then especially to
laugh at the jest of an inferior person； or when anybody else of the
same quality does not laugh with oneridiculous！ To be pleased
with what pleases the crowd！ Now when I laugh； I always laugh
alone。
BRISK。 I suppose that's because you laugh at your own jests； i'gad；
ha； ha； ha。
LORD FROTH。 He； he； I swear though； your raillery provokes me to a
smile。
BRISK。 Ay； my lord； it's a sign I hit you in the teeth； if you show
'em。
LORD FROTH。 He； he； he； I swear that's so very pretty； I can't
forbear。
CARE。 I find a quibble bears more sway in your lordship's face than
a jest。
LORD TOUCH。 Sir Paul； if you please we'll retire to the ladies； and
drink a dish of tea to settle our heads。
SIR PAUL。 With all my heart。 Mr。 Brisk； you'll come to us； or call
me when you joke； I'll be ready to laugh incontinently。
SCENE V。
MELLEFONT； CARELESS； LORD FROTH； BRISK。
MEL。 But does your lordship never see comedies？
LORD FROTH。 Oh yes； sometimes； but I never laugh。
MEL。 No？
LORD FROTH。 Oh no； never laugh indeed； sir。
CARE。 No！ why； what d'ye go there for？
LORD FROTH。 To distinguish myself from the commonalty and mortify
the poets； the fellows grow so conceited； when any of their foolish
wit prevails upon the side…boxes。 I swear；he； he； he； I have
often constrained my inclinations to laugh；he； he； he； to avoid
giving them encouragement。
MEL。 You are cruel to yourself； my lord； as well as malicious to
them。
LORD FROTH。 I confess I did myself some violence at first； but now
I think I h