the secret places of the heart-第30章

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　to　him。　Atrociously　unfair。　He's　not　my　sort　of　man；　perhaps；　but　it　will　hurt　him　cruelly　according　to　the　peculiar　laws　of　his　being。　He　seems　to　me　a　crawling　sort　of　lover　with　an　immense　self…conceit　at　the　back　of　his　crawlingness。〃　〃He　has；〃　she　endorsed。　〃He　backs　himself　to　crawluntil　he　crawls　triumphantly　right　over　you　。　。　。　。　I　don't　like　to　think　of　the　dream　he　has　。　。　。　。　I　take　it　he　will　lose。　Is　it　fair　to　go　into　this　game　with　him？〃　〃In　the　interests　of　Lake；〃　she　said；　smiling　softly　at　Sir　Richmond　in　the　moonlight。　〃But　you　are　perfectly　right。〃　〃And　suppose　he　doesn't　lose！〃　Sir　Richmond　found　himself　uttering　sentiments。　〃There　is　only　one　decent　way　in　which　a　civilized　man　and　a　civilized　woman　may　approach　one　another。　Passionate　desire　is　not　enough。　What　is　called　love　is　not　enough。　Pledges；　rational　considerations；　all　these　things　are　worthless。　All　these　things　are　compatible　with　hate。　The　primary　essential　is　friendship；　clear　understanding；　absolute　confidence。　Then　within　that　condition；　in　that　elect　relationship；　love　is　permissible；　mating；　marriage　or　no　marriage；　as　you　will　all　things　are　permissible。　。　。　。〃　Came　a　long　pause　between　them。　〃Dear　old　cathedral；〃　said　Miss　Grammont；　a　little　irrelevantly。　She　had　an　air　of　having　concluded　something　that　to　Sir　Richmond　seemed　scarcely　to　have　begun。　She　stood　looking　at　the　great　dark　facade　edged　with　moonlight　for　some　moments；　and　then　turned　towards　the　hotel；　which　showed　a　pink…lit　window。　〃I　wonder；〃　she　said；　〃if　Belinda　is　still　up；　And　what　she　will　think　when　I　tell　her　of　the　final　extinction　of　Mr。　Lake。　I　think　she　rather　looked　forward　to　being　the　intimate　friend；　secrets　and　everything；　of　Mrs。　Gunter　Lake。〃　Section　10　Sir　Richmond　woke　up　at　dawn　and　he　woke　out　of　an　extraordinary　dream。　He　was　saying　to　Miss　Grammont：　〃There　is　no　other　marriage　than　the　marriage　of　true　minds。　There　is　no　other　marriage　than　the　marriage　of　true　minds。〃　He　saw　her　as　he　had　seen　her　the　evening　before；　light　and　cool；　coming　towards　him　in　the　moonlight　from　the　hotel。　But　also　in　the　inconsistent　way　of　dreams　he　was　very　close　to　her　kind；　faintly　smiling　face；　and　his　eyes　were　wet　with　tears　and　he　was　kissing　her　hand。　〃My　dear　wife　and　mate；〃　he　was　saying；　and　suddenly　he　was　kissing　her　cool　lips。　He　woke　up　and　stared　at　his　dream；　which　faded　out　only　very　slowly　before　the　fresh　sun　rise　upon　the　red　tiles　and　tree　boughs　outside　the　open　window；　and　before　the　first　stir　and　clamour　of　the　birds。　He　felt　like　a　court　in　which　some　overwhelmingly　revolutionary　piece　of　evidence　had　been　tendered。　All　the　elaborate　defence　had　broken　down　at　one　blow。　He　sat　up　on　the　edge　of　his　bed；　facing　the　new　fact。　〃This　is　monstrous　and　ridiculous；〃　he　said；　〃and　Martineau　judged　me　exactly。　I　am　in　love　with　her。　。　。　。　I　am　head　over　heels　in　love　with　her。　I　have　never　been　so　much　in　love　or　so　truly　in　love　with　anyone　before。〃　Section　11　That　was　the　dawn　of　a　long　day　of　tension　for　Sir　Richmond　and　Miss　Grammont。　Because　each　was　now　vividly　aware　of　being　in　love　with　the　other　and　so　neither　was　able　to　see　how　things　were　with　the　other。　They　were　afraid　of　each　other。　A　restraint　had　come　upon　them　both；　a　restraint　that　was　greatly　enhanced　by　their　sense　of　Belinda；　acutely　observant；　ostentatiously　tactful　and　self…effacing；　and　prepared　at　the　slightest　encouragement　to　be　overwhelmingly　romantic　and　sympathetic。　Their　talk　waned；　and　was　revived　to　an　artificial　activity　and　waned　again。　The　historical　interest　had　evaporated　from　the　west　of　England　and　left　only　an　urgent　and　embarrassing　present。　But　the　loveliness　of　the　weather　did　not　fail；　and　the　whole　day　was　set　in　Severn　landscapes。　They　first　saw　the　great　river　like　a　sea　with　the　Welsh　mountains　hanging　in　the　sky　behind　as　they　came　over　the　Mendip　crest　above　Shipham。　They　saw　it　again　as　they　crossed　the　hill　before　Clifton　Bridge；　and　so　they　continued；　climbing　to　hill　crests　for　views　at　Alveston　and　near　Dursley；　and　so　to　Gloucester　and　the　lowest　bridge　and　thence　back　down　stream　again　through　fat　meadow　lands　at　first　and　much　apple…blossom　and　then　over　gentle　hills　through　wide；　pale　Nownham　and　Lidney　and　Alvington　and　Woolaston　to　old　Chepstow　and　its　brown　castle；　always　with　the　widening　estuary　to　the　left　of　them　and　its　foaming　shoals　and　shining　sand　banks。　From　Chepstow　they　turned　back　north　along　the　steep　Wye　gorge　to　Tintern；　and　there　at　the　snug　little　Beaufort　Arms　with　its　prim　lawn　and　flower　garden　they　ended　the　day's　journey。　Tintern　Abbey　they　thought　a　poor　graceless　mass　of　ruin　down　beside　the　river；　and　it　was　fenced　about　jealously　and　locked　up　from　their　invasion。　After　dinner　Sir　Richmond　and　Miss　Grammont　went　for　a　walk　in　the　mingled　twilight　and　moonlight　up　the　hill　towards　Chepstow。　Both　of　them　were　absurdly　and　nervously　pressing　to　Belinda　to　come　with　them；　but　she　was　far　too　wise　to　take　this　sudden　desire　for　her　company　seriously。　Her　dinner　shoes；　she　said；　were　too　thin。　Perhaps　she　would　change　and　come　out　a　little　later。　〃Yes；　come　later；〃　said　Miss　Grammont　and　led　the　way　to　the　door。　They　passed　through　the　garden。　〃I　think　we　go　up　the　hill？　〃　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃Yes；〃　she　agreed；　〃up　the　hill。〃　Followed　a　silence。　Sir　Richmond　made　an　effort；　but　after　some　artificial　and　disconnected　talk　about　Tintern　Abbey；　concerning；　which　she　had　no　history　ready；　and　then；　still　lamer；　about　whether　Monmouthshire　is　in　England　or　Wales；　silence　fell　again。　The　silence　lengthened；　assumed　a　significance；　a　dignity　that　no　common　words　might　break。　Then　Sir　Richmond　spoke。　〃I　love；　you；　he　said；　〃with　all　my　heart。〃　Her　soft　voice　came　back　after　a　stillness。　〃I　love　you；〃　she　said；　〃with　all　myself。〃　〃I　had　long　ceased　to　hope；　〃　said　Sir　…Richmond；　that　I　should　ever　find　a　friend　。　。　。　a　lover　。　。　。　perfect　companionship　。　。　。　。　〃　They　went　on　walking　side　by　side；　without　touching　each　other　or　turning　to　each　other。　〃All　the　things　I　wanted　to　think　I　believe　have　come　alive　in　me；〃　she　said。　。　。　。　〃Cool　and　sweet；〃　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃Such　happiness　as　I　could　not　have　imagined。〃　The　light　of　a　silent　bicycle　appeared　above　them　up　the　hill　and　swept　down　upon　them；　lit　their　two　still　faces　brightly　and　passed。　〃My　dear；〃　she　whispered　in　the　darkness　between　the　high　hedges。　They　stopped　short　and　stood　quite　still；　trembling。　He　saw　her　face；　dim　and　tender；　looking　up　to　his。　Then　he　took　her　in　his　arms　and　kissed　her　lips　as　he　had　desired　in　his　dream。　。　。　。　When　they　returned　to　the　inn　Belinda　Seyffert　offered　flat　explanations　of　why　she　had　not　followed　them；　and　enlarged　upon　the　moonlight　effect　of　the　Abbey　ruins　from　the　inn　lawn。　But　the　scared　congratulations　in　her　eyes　betrayed　her　recognition　that　momentous　things　had　happened　between　the　two。　CHAPTER　THE　EIGHTH　FULL　MOON　Section　1　Sir　Richmond　had　talked　in　the　moonlight　and　shadows　of　having　found　such　happiness　as　he　could　not　have　imagined。　But　when　he　awoke　in　the　night　that　happiness　had　evaporated。　He　awoke　suddenly　out　of　this　love　dream　that　had　lasted　now　for　nearly　four　days　and　he　awoke　in　a　mood　of　astonishment　and　dismay。　He　had　thought　that　when　he　parted　from　Dr。　Martineau　he　had　parted　also　from　that　process　of　self…exploration　that　they　had　started　together；　but　now　he　awakened　to　find　it　established　and　in　full　activity　in　his　mind。　Something　or　someone；　a　sort　of　etherealized　Martineau…Hardy；　an　abstracted　intellectual　conscience；　was　demanding　what　he　thought　he　was　doing　with　Miss　Grammont　and　whither　he　thought　he　was　taking　her；　how　he　proposed　to　reconcile　the　close　relationship　with　her　that　he　was　now　embarked　upon　with；　in　the　first　place；　his　work　upon　and　engagements　with　the　Fuel　Commission；　and；　in　the　second　place；　Martin　Leeds。　Curiously　enough　Lady　Hardy　didn't　come　into　the　case　at　all。　He　had　done　his　utmost　to　keep　Martin　Leeds　out　of　his　head　throughout　the　development　of　this　affair。　Now　in　an　unruly　and　determined　way　that　was　extremely　characteristic　of　her　she　seemed　resolute　to　break　in。　She　appeared　as　an　advocate；　without　affection　for　her　client　but　without　any　hostility；　of　the　claims　of　Miss　Grammont　to　be　let　alone。　The　elaborate　pretence　that　Sir　Richmond　had　maintained　to　himself　that　he　had　not　made　love　to　Miss　Grammont；　that　their　mutual　attraction　had　been　irresistible　and　had　achieved　its　end　in　spite　of　their　resolute　and　complete　detachment；　collapsed　and　vanished　from　his　mind。　He　admitted　to　himself　that　driven　by　a　kind　of　instinctive　necessity　he　had　led　their　conversation　step　by　step　to　a　realization　and　declaration　of　love；　and　that　it　did　not　exonerate　him　in　the　least　that　Miss　Grammont　had　been　quite　ready　and　willing　to　help　him　and　meet　him　half　way。　She　wanted　love　as　a　woman　does；　more　than　a　man　does；　and　he　had　steadily　presented　himself　as　a　man　free　to　love；　able　to　love　and　loving。　〃She　wanted　a　man　to　love；　she　wanted　perfected　fellowship；　and　you　have　made　her　that　tremendous　promise。　That　was　implicit　in　your　embrace。　And　how　can　you　keep　that　promise？〃　It　was　as　if　Martin　spoke；　it　was　her　voice；　it　was　the　very　quality　of　her　thought。　〃You　belong　to