the secret places of the heart-第7章

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　in　life　is　seeking　its　desire　and　hasn't　found　it。〃　〃Let　us　help　in　the　search；〃　said　the　doctor；　with　an　afternoon　smile　under　his　green　umbrella。　〃Go　on。〃　Section　2　〃Since　our　first　talk　in　Harley　Street；〃　said　Sir　Richmond；　〃I　have　been　trying　myself　over　in　my　mind。　（We　can　drift　down　this　backwater。）　〃　〃Big　these　trees　are；〃　said　the　doctor　with　infinite　approval。　〃I　am　astonished　to　discover　what　a　bundle　of　discordant　motives　I　am。　I　do　not　seem　to　deserve　to　be　called　a　personality。　I　cannot　discover　even　a　general　direction。　Much　more　am　I　like　a　taxi…cab　in　which　all　sorts　of　aims　and　desires　have　travelled　to　their　destination　and　got　out。　Are　we　all　like　that？〃　〃A　bundle　held　together　by　a　name　and　address　and　a　certain　thread　of　memory？〃　said　the　doctor　and　considered。　〃More　than　that。　More　than　that。　We　have　leading　ideas；　associations；　possessions；　liabilities。〃　〃We　build　ourselves　a　prison　of　circumstances　that　keeps　us　from　complete　dispersal。〃　〃Exactly；〃　said　the　doctor。　〃And　there　is　also　something；　a　consistency；　that　we　call　character。〃　〃It　changes。〃　〃Consistently　with　itself。〃　〃I　have　been　trying　to　recall　my　sexual　history；〃　said　Sir　Richmond；　going　off　at　a　tangent。　〃My　sentimental　education。　I　wonder　if　it　differs　very　widely　from　yours　or　most　men's。〃　〃Some　men　are　more　eventful　in　these　matters　than　others；〃　said　the　doctor；it　soundedwistfully。　〃They　have　the　same　jumble　of　motives　and　traditions；　I　suspect；　whether　they　are　eventful　or　not。　The　brakes　may　be　strong　or　weak　but　the　drive　is　the　same。　I　can't　remember　much　of　the　beginnings　of　curiosity　and　knowledge　in　these　matters。　Can　you？〃　〃Not　much；〃　said　the　doctor。　〃No。〃　〃Your　psychoanalysts　tell　a　story　of　fears；　suppressions；　monstrous　imaginations；　symbolic　replacements。　I　don't　remember　much　of　that　sort　of　thing　in　my　own　case。　It　may　have　faded　out　of　my　mind。　There　were　probably　some　uneasy　curiosities；　a　grotesque　dream　or　so　perhaps；　I　can't　recall　anything　of　that　sort　distinctly　now。　I　had　a　very　lively　interest　in　women；　even　when　I　was　still　quite　a　little　boy；　and　a　certainwhat　shall　I　call　it？imaginative　slavishnessnot　towards　actual　women　but　towards　something　magnificently　feminine。　My　first　love〃　Sir　Richmond　smiled　at　some　secret　memory。　〃My　first　love　was　Britannia　as　depicted　by　Tenniel　in　the　cartoons　in　PUNCH。　I　must　have　been　a　very　little　chap　at　the　time　of　the　Britannia　affair。　I　just　clung　to　her　in　my　imagination　and　did　devoted　things　for　her。　Then　I　recall；　a　little　later；　a　secret　abject　adoration　for　the　white　goddesses　of　the　Crystal　Palace。　Not　for　any　particular　one　of　them　that　I　can　remember；for　all　of　them。　But　I　don't　remember　anything　very　monstrous　or　incestuous　in　my　childish　imaginations；　such　things　as　Freud；　I　understand；　lays　stress　upon。　If　there　was　an　Oedipus　complex　or　anything　of　that　sort　in　my　case　it　has　been　very　completely　washed　out　again。　Perhaps　a　child　which　is　brought　up　in　a　proper　nursery　of　its　own　and　sees　a　lot　of　pictures　of　the　nude　human　body；　and　so　on；　gets　its　mind　shifted　off　any　possible　concentration　upon　the　domestic　aspect　of　sex。　I　got　to　definite　knowledge　pretty　early。　By　the　time　I　was　eleven　or　twelve。〃　〃Normally？　〃　〃What　is　normally？　Decently；　anyhow。　Here　again　I　may　be　forgetting　much　secret　and　shameful　curiosity。　I　got　my　ideas　into　definite　form　out　of　a　little　straightforward　physiological　teaching　and　some　dissecting　of　rats　and　mice。　My　schoolmaster　was　a　capable　sane　man　in　advance　of　his　times　and　my　people　believed　in　him。　I　think　much　of　this　distorted　perverse　stuff　that　grows　up　in　people's　minds　about　sex　and　develops　into　evil　vices　and　still　more　evil　habits；　is　due　to　the　mystery　we　make　about　these　things。〃　〃Not　entirely；〃　said　the　doctor。　〃Largely。　What　child　under　a　modern　upbringing　ever　goes　through　the　stuffy　horrors　described　in　James　Joyce's　PORTRAIT　OF　THE　ARTIST　AS　A　YOUNG　MAN。〃　〃I've　not　read　it。〃　〃A　picture　of　the　Catholic　atmosphere；　a　young　soul　shut　up　in　darkness　and　ignorance　to　accumulate　filth。　In　the　name　of　purity　and　decency　and　under　threats　of　hell　fire。〃　〃Horrible！〃　〃Quite。　A　study　of　intolerable　tensions；　the　tensions　that　make　young　people　write　unclean　words　in　secret　places。　〃　〃Yes；　we　certainly　ventilate　and　sanitate　in　those　matters　nowadays。　Where　nothing　is　concealed；　nothing　can　explode。〃　〃On　the　whole　I　came　up　to　adolescence　pretty　straight　and　clean；〃　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃What　stands　out　in　my　memory　now　is　this　idea；　of　a　sort　of　woman　goddess　who　was　very　lovely　and　kind　and　powerful　and　wonderful。　That　ruled　my　secret　imaginations　as　a　boy；　but　it　was　very　much　in　my　mind　as　I　grew　up。〃　〃The　mother　complex；〃　said　Dr。　Martineau　as　a　passing　botanist　might　recognize　and　name　a　flower。　Sir　Richmond　stared　at　him　for　a　moment。　〃It　had　not　the　slightest　connexion　with　my　mother　or　any　mother　or　any　particular　woman　at　all。　Far　better　to　call　it　the　goddess　complex。〃　〃The　connexion　is　not　perhaps　immediately　visible；〃　said　the　doctor。　〃There　was　no　connexion；〃　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃The　women　of　my　adolescent　dreams　were　stripped　and　strong　and　lovely。　They　were　great　creatures。　They　came；　it　was　clearly　traceable；　from　pictures　sculptureand　from　a　definite　response　in　myself　to　their　beauty。　My　mother　had　nothing　whatever　to　do　with　that。　The　women　and　girls　about　me　were　fussy　bunches　of　clothes　that　I　am　sure　I　never　even　linked　with　that　dream　world　of　love　and　worship。〃　〃Were　you　co…educated？〃　〃No。　But　I　had　a　couple　of　sisters；　one　older；　one　younger　than　myself；　and　there　were　plenty　of　girls　in　my　circle。　I　thought　some　of　them　prettybut　that　was　a　different　affair。　I　know　that　I　didn't　connect　them　with　the　idea　of　the　loved　and　worshipped　goddesses　at　all；　because　I　remember　when　I　first　saw　the　goddess　in　a　real　human　being　and　how　amazed　I　was　at　the　discovery。　。　。　。　I　was　a　boy　of　twelve　or　thirteen。　My　people　took　me　one　summer　to　Dymchurch　in　Romney　Marsh；　in　those　days　before　the　automobile　had　made　the　Marsh　accessible　to　the　Hythe　and　Folkestone　crowds；　it　was　a　little　old　forgotten　silent　wind…bitten　village　crouching　under　the　lee　of　the　great　sea　wall。　At　low　water　there　were　miles　of　sand　as　smooth　and　shining　as　the　skin　of　a　savage　brown　woman。　Shining　and　with　a　texturethe　very　same。　And　one　day　as　I　was　mucking　about　by　myself　on　the　beach；　boy　fashion；there　were　some　ribs　of　a　wrecked　boat　buried　in　the　sand　near　a　groin　and　I　was　busy　with　thema　girl　ran　out　from　a　tent　high　up　on　the　beach　and　across　the　sands　to　the　water。　She　was　dressed　in　a　tight　bathing　dress　and　not　in　the　clumsy　skirts　and　frills　that　it　was　the　custom　to　inflict　on　women　in　those　days。　Her　hair　was　tied　up　in　a　blue　handkerchief。　She　ran　swiftly　and　gracefully；　intent　upon　the　white　line　of　foam　ahead。　I　can　still　remember　how　the　sunlight　touched　her　round　neck　and　cheek　as　she　went　past　me。　She　was　the　loveliest；　most　shapely　thing　I　have　ever　seento　this　day。　She　lifted　up　her　arms　and　thrust　through　the　dazzling　white　and　green　breakers　and　plunged　into　the　water　and　swam；　she　swam　straight　out　for　a　long　way　as　it　seemed　to　me；　and　presently　came　in　and　passed　me　again　on　her　way　back　to　her　tent；　light　and　swift　and　sure。　The　very　prints　of　her　feet　on　the　sand　were　beautiful。　Suddenly　I　realized　that　there　could　be　living　people　in　the　world　as　lovely　as　any　goddess。　。　。　。　She　wasn't　in　the　least　out　of　breath。　〃That　was　my　first　human　love。　And　I　love　that　girl　still。　I　doubt　sometimes　whether　I　have　ever　loved　anyone　else。　I　kept　the　thing　very　secret。　I　wonder　now　why　I　have　kept　the　thing　so　secret。　Until　now　I　have　never　told　a　soul　about　it。　I　resorted　to　all　sorts　of　tortuous　devices　and　excuses　to　get　a　chance　of　seeing　her　again　without　betraying　what　it　was　I　was　after。〃　Dr。　Martineau　retained　a　simple　fondness　for　a　story。　〃And　did　you　meet　her　again？〃　〃Never。　Of　course　I　may　have　seen　her　as　a　dressed…up　person　and　not　recognized　her。　A　day　or　so　later　I　was　stabbed　to　the　heart　by　the　discovery　that　the　tent　she　came　out　of　had　been　taken　away。　〃　〃She　had　gone？〃　〃For　ever。〃　Sir　Richmond　smiled　brightly　at　the　doctor's　disappointment。　Section　3　〃I　was　never　wholehearted　and　simple　about　sexual　things；〃　Sir　Richmond　resumed　presently。　〃Never。　I　do　not　think　any　man　is。　We　are　too　much　plastered…up　things；　too　much　the　creatures　of　a　tortuous　and　complicated　evolution。〃　Dr。　Martineau；　under　his　green　umbrella；　nodded　his　conceded　agreement。　〃Thiswhat　shall　I　call　it？this　Dream　of　Women；　grew　up　in　my　mind　as　I　grew　upas　something　independent　of　and　much　more　important　than　the　reality　of　Women。　It　came　only　very　slowly　into　relation　with　that。　That　girl　on　the　Dymchurch　beach　was　one　of　the　first　links；　but　she　ceased　very　speedily　to　be　realshe　joined　the　women　of　dreamland　at　last　altogether。　She　became　a　sort　of　legendary　incarnation。　I　thought　of　these　dream　women　not　only　as　something　beautiful　but　as　something　exceedingly　kind　and　helpful。　The　girls　and　women　I　met　belonged　to　a　different　creation。　。　。　。〃　Sir　Richmond　stopped　abruptly　and　rowed　a　few　long　strokes。　Dr。　Martineau　sought　information。　〃I　suppose；〃　he　said；　〃there　was　a　sensuous　element　in　these　dreamings？〃　〃Certainly。　A　very　strong　one。