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Ah！ governments were governments； and judges were judges； in my
day； Mr。 Hood。 There was no nonsense then。 Any of your seditious
complainings； and we were ready with the military on the shortest notice。
We should have charged Covent Garden Theatre； sir； on a Wednesday
night： at the point of the bayonet。 Then； the judges were full of dignity
and firmness； and knew how to administer the law。 There is only one
judge who knows how to do his duty； now。 He tried that revolutionary
female the other day； who； though she was in full work （making shirts at
three…halfpence a piece）； had no pride in her country； but treasonably took
it in her head； in the distraction of having been robbed of her easy earnings；
to attempt to drown herself and her young child； and the glorious man
went out of his way； sirout of his wayto call her up for instant sentence
of Death； and to tell her she had no hope of mercy in this worldas you
may see yourself if you look in the papers of Wednesday the 17th of April。
He won't be supported； sir； I know he won't； but it is worth remembering
that his words were carried into every manufacturing town of this
kingdom； and read aloud to crowds in every political parlour； beer…shop；
news…room； and secret or open place of assembly； frequented by the
discontented working…men； and that no milk…and…water weakness on the
part of the executive can ever blot them out。 Great things like that； are
caught up； and stored up； in these times； and are not forgotten； Mr。 Hood。
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The public at large （especially those who wish for peace and conciliation）
are universally obliged to him。 If it is reserved for any man to set the
Thames on fire； it is reserved for him； and indeed I am told he very nearly
did it； once。
But even he won't save the constitution； sir： it is mauled beyond the
power of preservation。 Do you know in what foul weather it will be
sacrificed and shipwrecked； Mr。 Hood？ Do you know on what rock it
will strike； sir？ You don't； I am certain； for nobody does know as yet but
myself。 I will tell you。
The constitution will go down； sir （nautically speaking）； in the
degeneration of the human species in England； and its reduction into a
mingled race of savages and pigmies。
That is my proposition。 That is my prediction。 That is the event of
which I give you warning。 I am now going to prove it； sir。
You are a literary man； Mr。 Hood； and have written； I am told； some
things worth reading。 I say I am told； because I never read what is
written in these days。 You'll excuse me； but my principle is； that no man
ought to know anything about his own time； except that it is the worst time
that ever was； or is ever likely to be。 That is the only way； sir； to be truly
wise and happy。
In your station； as a literary man； Mr。 Hood； you are frequently at the
Court of Her Gracious Majesty the Queen。 God bless her！ You have
reason to know that the three great keys to the royal palace （after rank and
politics） are Science； Literature； Art。 I don't approve of this myself。 I
think it ungenteel and barbarous； and quite un…English； the custom having
been a foreign one； ever since the reigns of the uncivilised sultans in the
Arabian Nights； who always called the wise men of their time about them。
But so it is。 And when you don't dine at the royal table； there is always a
knife and fork for you at the equerries' table： where； I understand； all
gifted men are made particularly welcome。
But all men can't be gifted； Mr。 Hood。 Neither scientific； literary； nor
artistical powers are any more to be inherited than the property arising
from scientific； literary； or artistic productions； which the law； with a
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beautiful imitation of nature； declines to protect in the second generation。
Very good； sir。 Then； people are naturally very prone to cast about in their
minds for other means of getting at Court Favour； and； watching the signs
of the times； to hew out for themselves； or their descendants； the likeliest
roads to that distinguished goal。
Mr。 Hood； it is pretty clear； from recent records in the Court Circular；
that if a father wish to train up his son in the way he should go； to go to
Court： and cannot indenture him to be a scientific man； an author； or an
artist； three courses are open to him。 He must endeavour by artificial
means to make him a dwarf； a wild man； or a Boy Jones。
Now； sir； this is the shoal and quicksand on which the constitution will
go to pieces。
I have made inquiry； Mr。 Hood； and find that in my neighbourhood
two families and a fraction out of every four； in the lower and middle
classes of society； are studying and practising all conceivable arts to keep
their infant children down。 Understand me。 I do not mean down in
their numbers； or down in their precocity； but down in their growth； sir。
A destructive and subduing drink； compounded of gin and milk in equal
quantities； such as is given to puppies to retard their growth： not
something short； but something shortening： is administered to these
young creatures many times a day。 An unnatural and artificial thirst is
first awakened in these infants by meals of salt beef； bacon； anchovies；
sardines； red herrings； shrimps； olives； pea…soup； and that description of
diet； and when they screech for drink； in accents that might melt a heart of
stone； which they do constantly （I allude to screeching； not to melting）；
this liquid is introduced into their too confiding stomachs。 At such an
early age； and to so great an extent； is this custom of provoking thirst； then
quenching it with a stunting drink； observed； that brine pap has already
superseded the use of tops…and…bottoms； and wet…nurses； previously free
from any kind of reproach； have been seen to stagger in the streets：
owing； sir； to the quantity of gin introduced into their systems； with a view
to its gradual and natural conversion into the fluid I have already
mentioned。
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Upon the best calculation I can make； this is going on； as I have said；
in the proportion of about two families and a fraction in four。 In one
more family and a fraction out of the same number； efforts are being made
to reduce the children to a state of nature； and to inculcate； at a tender age；
the love of raw flesh； train oil； new rum； and the acquisition of scalps。
Wild and outlandish dances are also in vogue （you will have observed the
prevailing rage for the Polka）； and savage cries and whoops are much
indulged in （as you may discover； if you doubt it； in the House of
Commons any night）。 Nay； some persons； Mr。 Hood； and persons of some
figure and distinction too； have already succeeded in breeding wild sons；
who have been publicly shown in the Courts of Bankruptcy； and in police…
offices； and in other commodious exhibition…rooms； with great effect； but
who have not yet found favour at court； in consequence； as I infer； of the
impression made by Mr。 Rankin's wild men being too fresh and recent； to
say nothing of Mr。 Rankin's wild men being foreigners。 I need not refer
you； sir； to the late instance of the Ojibbeway Bride。 But I am credibly
informed； that she is on the eve of retiring into a savage fastness； where
she may bring forth and educate a wild family； who shall in course of time；
by the dexterous use of the popularity they are certain to acquire at
Windsor and St。 James's； divide with dwarfs the principal offices of state；
of patronage； and power； in the United Kingdom。
Consider the deplorable consequences； Mr。 Hood； which must result
from these proceedings； and