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How Tell a Story and Others
by Mark Twain
CONTENTS：
HOW TO TELL A STORY
THE WOUNDED SOLDIER
THE GOLDEN ARM
MENTAL TELEGRAPHY AGAIN
THE INVALIDS STORY
HOW TO TELL A STORY
The Humorous Story an American Development。Its Difference
from Comic and Witty Stories。
I do not claim that I can tell a story as it ought to be told。 I only
claim to know how a story ought to be told； for I have been almost daily
in the company of the most expert story…tellers for many years。
There are several kinds of stories； but only one difficult kindthe
humorous。 I will talk mainly about that one。 The humorous story is
American； the comic story is English； the witty story is French。 The
humorous story depends for its effect upon the manner of the telling；
the comic story and the witty story upon the matter。
The humorous story may be spun out to great length； and may wander around
as much as it pleases； and arrive nowhere in particular； but the comic
and witty stories must be brief and end with a point。 The humorous story
bubbles gently along； the others burst。
The humorous story is strictly a work of arthigh and delicate art
and only an artist can tell it； but no art is necessary in telling the
comic and the witty story； anybody can do it。 The art of telling a
humorous storyunderstand； I mean by word of mouth； not printwas
created in America； and has remained at home。
The humorous story is told gravely； the teller does his best to conceal
the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about
it； but the teller of the comic story tells you beforehand that it is one
of the funniest things he has ever heard； then tells it with eager
delight； and is the first person to laugh when he gets through。 And
sometimes； if he has had good success； he is so glad and happy that he
will repeat the 〃nub〃 of it and glance around from face to face；
collecting applause； and then repeat it again。 It is a pathetic thing to
see。
Very often； of course； the rambling and disjointed humorous story
finishes with a nub； point； snapper； or whatever you like to call it。
Then the listener must be alert； for in many cases the teller will divert
attention from that nub by dropping it in a carefully casual and
indifferent way； with the pretence that he does not know it is a nub。
Artemus Ward used that trick a good deal； then when the belated audience
presently caught the joke he would look up with innocent surprise； as if
wondering what they had found to laugh at。 Dan Setchell used it before
him； Nye and Riley and others use it to…day。
But the teller of the comic story does not slur the nub； he shouts it at
youevery time。 And when he prints it； in England； France； Germany； and
Italy； he italicizes it； puts some whooping exclamation…points after it；
and sometimes explains it in a parenthesis。 All of which is very
depressing； and makes one want to renounce joking and lead a better life。
Let me set down an instance of the comic method； using an anecdote which
has been popular all over the world for twelve or fifteen hundred years。
The teller tells it in this way：
THE WOUNDED SOLDIER。
In the course of a certain battle a soldier whose leg had been shot off
appealed to another soldier who was hurrying by to carry him to the rear；
informing him at the same time of the loss which he had sustained；
whereupon the generous son of Mars； shouldering the unfortunate；
proceeded to carry out his desire。 The bullets and cannon…balls were
flying in all directions； and presently one of the latter took the
wounded man's head offwithout； however； his deliverer being aware of
it。 In no…long time he was hailed by an officer； who said：
〃Where are you going with that carcass？〃
〃To the rear； sirhe's lost his leg！〃
〃His leg； forsooth？〃 responded the astonished officer； 〃you mean his
head； you booby。〃
Whereupon the soldier dispossessed himself of his burden； and stood
looking down upon it in great perplexity。 At length he said：
〃It is true； sir； just as you have said。〃 Then after a pause he added；
〃But he TOLD me IT WAS HIS LEG！ ！ ！ ！ ！〃
Here the narrator bursts into explosion after explosion of thunderous
horse…laughter； repeating that nub from time to time through his gaspings
and shriekings and suffocatings。
It takes only a minute and a half to tell that in its comic…story form；
and isn't worth the telling； after all。 Put into the humorous…story form
it takes ten minutes； and is about the funniest thing I have ever
listened toas James Whitcomb Riley tells it。
He tells it in the character of a dull…witted old farmer who has just
heard it for the first time； thinks it is unspeakably funny； and is
trying to repeat it to a neighbor。 But he can't remember it； so he gets
all mixed up and wanders helplessly round and round； putting in tedious
details that don't belong in the tale and only retard it； taking them out
conscientiously and putting in others that are just as useless； making
minor mistakes now and then and stopping to correct them and explain how
he came to make them； remembering things which he forgot to put in in
their proper place and going back to put them in there； stopping his
narrative a good while in order to try to recall the name of the soldier
that was hurt； and finally remembering that the soldier's name was not
mentioned； and remarking placidly that the name is of no real importance；
anywaybetter； of course； if one knew it； but not essential； after all
and so on； and so on； and so on。
The teller is innocent and happy and pleased with himself； and has to
stop every little while to hold himself in and keep from laughing
outright； and does hold in； but his body quakes in a jelly…like way with
interior chuckles； and at the end of the ten minutes the audience have
laughed until they are exhausted； and the tears are running down their
faces。
The simplicity and innocence and sincerity and unconsciousness of the old
farmer are perfectly simulated； and the result is a performance which is
thoroughly charming and delicious。 This is art and fine and beautiful；
and only a master can compass it； but a machine could tell the other
story。
To string incongruities and absurdities together in a wandering and
sometimes purposeless way； and seem innocently unaware that they are
absurdities； is the basis of the American art； if my position is correct。
Another feature is the slurring of the point。 A third is the dropping of
a studied remark apparently without knowing it； as if one were thinking
aloud。 The fourth and last is the pause。
Artemus Ward dealt in numbers three and four a good deal。 He would begin
to tell with great animation something which he seemed to think was
wonderful； then lose confidence； and after an apparently absent…minded
pause add an incongruous remark in a soliloquizing way； and that was the
remark intended to explode the mineand it did。
For instance； he would say eagerly； excitedly； 〃I once knew a man in New
Zealand who hadn't a tooth in his head〃here his animation would die
out； a silent； reflective pause would follow； then he would say dreamily；
and as if to himself； 〃and yet that man could beat a drum better than any
man I ever saw。〃
The pause is an exceedingly important feature in any kind of story； and a
frequently recurring feature； too。 It is a dainty thing； and delicate；
and also uncertain and treacherous； for it must be exactly the right
lengthno more and no lessor it fails of its purpose and makes
trouble。 If the pause is too short the impressive point is passed； and
＇and if too long＇ the audience have had time to divine that a surprise is
intendedand then you can't surprise them； of course。
On the platform I used to tell a negro ghost story that had a pause in
front of the snapper on the end； and that pause was the most important
thing in the whole story。 If I got it the right length precisely； I
could spring the finishing ejaculation with effect enough to make some
impressible girl deliver a startled little yelp and jump out of her seat
and that was what I was after。 This story was called 〃The Golden Arm；〃
and was told in this fashion。 You can practise with it yourselfand
mind you look out for the pause and get it right。
THE GOLDEN ARM。
Once 'pon a time dey wuz a monsus mean man； en he live 'way out in de
prairie all 'lone by hisself； 'cep'n he had a wife。 En bimeby she died；
en he tuck en toted her way out dah in de prairie en buried her。 Well；
she had a golden armall solid gold； fum de shoulder down。 He wuz
pow'ful meanpow'ful； en dat night he couldn't sleep； Gaze he want dat
golden arm so bad。
When it come midnight he couldn't stan' it no mo'； so he git up； he did；
en tuck his lantern en shoved out thoo de storm en dug her up en got de
golden arm； en he bent his head down 'gin de win'； en plowed en plowed en
plowed thoo de snow。 Den all on a sudden he stop （make a considerable
pause here； and look startled； and take a listening attitude） en say：
〃My LAN'； what's dat！〃
En he listenen listenen de win'