按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
Youth
by Leo Tolstoy
Translated by C。 J。 Hogarth
I
WHAT I CONSIDER TO HAVE BEEN THE BEGINNING OF MY YOUTH
I have said that my friendship with Dimitri opened up for me a
new view of my life and of its aim and relations。 The essence of
that view lay in the conviction that the destiny of man is to
strive for moral improvement； and that such improvement is at
once easy； possible； and lasting。 Hitherto； however； I had found
pleasure only in the new ideas which I discovered to arise from
that conviction； and in the forming of brilliant plans for a
moral； active future； while all the time my life had been
continuing along its old petty； muddled； pleasure…seeking course；
and the same virtuous thoughts which I and my adored friend
Dimitri （〃my own marvellous Mitia；〃 as I used to call him to
myself in a whisper） had been wont to exchange with one another
still pleased my intellect； but left my sensibility untouched。
Nevertheless there came a moment when those thoughts swept into
my head with a sudden freshness and force of moral revelation
which left me aghast at the amount of time which I had been
wasting； and made me feel as though I must at oncethat very
secondapply those thoughts to life； with the firm intention of
never again changing them。
It is from that moment that I date the beginning of my youth。
I was then nearly sixteen。 Tutors still attended to give me
lessons； St。 Jerome still acted as general supervisor of my
education； and； willy…nilly； I was being prepared for the
University。 In addition to my studies； my occupations included
certain vague dreamings and ponderings； a number of gymnastic
exercises to make myself the finest athlete in the world； a good
deal of aimless； thoughtless wandering through the rooms of the
house （but more especially along the maidservants' corridor）； and
much looking at myself in the mirror。 From the latter； however； I
always turned away with a vague feeling of depression； almost of
repulsion。 Not only did I feel sure that my exterior was ugly；
but I could derive no comfort from any of the usual consolations
under such circumstances。 I could not say； for instance； that I
had at least an expressive； clever； or refined face； for there
was nothing whatever expressive about it。 Its features were of
the most humdrum； dull； and unbecoming type； with small grey eyes
which seemed to me； whenever I regarded them in the mirror； to be
stupid rather than clever。 Of manly bearing I possessed even
less； since； although I was not exactly small of stature； and
had； moreover； plenty of strength for my years； every feature in
my face was of the meek； sleepy…looking； indefinite type。 Even
refinement was lacking in it； since； on the contrary； it
precisely resembled that of a simple…looking moujik； while I also
had the same big hands and feet as he。 At the time； all this
seemed to me very shameful。
II
SPRINGTIME
Easter of the year when I entered the University fell late in
April； so that the examinations were fixed for St。 Thomas's Week；
＇Easter week。＇ and I had to spend Good Friday in fasting and
finally getting myself ready for the ordeal。
Following upon wet snow （the kind of stuff which Karl Ivanitch
used to describe as 〃a child following； its father〃）； the weather
had for three days been bright and mild and still。 Not a clot of
snow was now to be seen in the streets； and the dirty slush had
given place to wet； shining pavements and coursing rivulets。 The
last icicles on the roofs were fast melting in the sunshine； buds
were swelling on the trees in the little garden； the path leading
across the courtyard to the stables was soft instead of being a
frozen ridge of mud； and mossy grass was showing green between
the stones around the entrance…steps。 It was just that particular
time in spring when the season exercises the strongest influence
upon the human soulwhen clear sunlight illuminates everything；
yet sheds no warmth； when rivulets run trickling under one's
feet； when the air is charged with an odorous freshness； and when
the bright blue sky is streaked with long； transparent clouds。
For some reason or another the influence of this early stage in
the birth of spring always seems to me more perceptible and more
impressive in a great town than in the country。 One sees less；
but one feels more。 I was standing near the windowthrough the
double frames of which the morning sun was throwing its mote…
flecked beams upon the floor of what seemed to me my intolerably
wearisome schoolroomand working out a long algebraical equation
on the blackboard。 In one hand I was holding a ragged； long…
suffering 〃Algebra〃 and in the other a small piece of chalk
which had already besmeared my hands； my face； and the elbows of
my jacket。 Nicola； clad in an apron； and with his sleeves rolled
up； was picking out the putty from the window…frames with a pair
of nippers； and unfastening the screws。 The window looked out
upon the little garden。 At length his occupation and the noise
which he was making over it arrested my attention。 At the moment
I was in a very cross； dissatisfied frame of mind； for nothing
seemed to be going right with me。 I had made a mistake at the
very beginning of my algebra； and so should have to work it out
again； twice I had let the chalk drop。 I was conscious that my
hands and face were whitened all over； the sponge had rolled away
into a corner； and the noise of Nicola's operations was fast
getting on my nerves。 I had a feeling as though I wanted to fly
into a temper and grumble at some one； so I threw down chalk and
〃Algebra〃 alike； and began to pace the room。 Then suddenly I
remembered that to…day we were to go to confession； and that
therefore I must refrain from doing anything wrong。 Next； with
equal suddenness I relapsed into an extraordinarily goodhumoured
frame of mind； and walked across to Nicola。
〃Let me help you； Nicola；〃 I said； trying to speak as pleasantly
as I possibly could。 The idea that I was performing a meritorious
action in thus suppressing my ill…temper and offering to help him
increased my good…humour all the more。
By this time the putty had been chipped out； and the screws
removed； yet； though Nicola pulled with might and main at the
cross…piece； the window…frame refused to budge。
〃If it comes out as soon as he and I begin to pull at it
together；〃 I thought； 〃it will be rather a shame； as then I shall
have nothing more of the kind to do to…day。〃
Suddenly the frame yielded a little at one side； and came out。
〃Where shall I put it？〃 I said。
〃Let ME see to it； if you please；〃 replied Nicola； evidently
surprised as well as； seemingly； not over…pleased at my zeal。
〃We must not leave it here； but carry it away to the lumber…room；
where I keep all the frames stored and numbered。〃
〃Oh； but I can manage it；〃 I said as I lifted it up。 I verily
believe that if the lumber…room had been a couple of versts away；
and the frame twice as heavy as it was； I should have been the
more pleased。 I felt as though I wanted to tire myself out in
performing this service for Nicola。 When I returned to the room
the bricks and screws had been replaced on the windowsill； and
Nicola was sweeping the debris； as well as a few torpid flies；
out of the open window。 The fresh； fragrant air was rushing into
and filling all the room； while with it came also the dull murmur
of the city and the twittering of sparrows in the garden。
Everything was in brilliant light； the room looked cheerful； and
a gentle spring breeze was stirring Nicola's hair and the leaves
of my 〃Algebra。〃 Approaching the window； I sat down upon the
sill； turned my eyes downwards towards the garden； and fell into
a brown study。
Something new to me； something extraordinarily potent and
unfamiliar； had suddenly invaded my soul。 The wet ground on
which； here and there； a few yellowish stalks and blades of
bright…green grass were to be seen； the little rivulets
glittering in the sunshine； and sweeping clods of earth and tiny
chips of wood along with them； the reddish twigs of the lilac；
with their swelling buds； which nodded just beneath the window；
the fussy twitterings of birds as they fluttered in the bush
below； the blackened fence shining wet from the snow which had
lately melted off it； and； most of all； the raw； odorous air and
radiant sunlightall spoke to me； clearly and unmistakably； of
something new and beautiful； of something which； though I cannot
repeat it here as it was then expressed to me； I will try to
reproduce so far as I understood it。 Everything spoke to me of
beauty； happiness； and virtueas three things which were both
easy and possible for meand said that no one of them could
exist without the other two； since beauty； happiness； and virtue
were one。 〃How did I never come to understand that before？〃 I
cried to myself。 〃H