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were one。 〃How did I never come to understand that before？〃 I
cried to myself。 〃How did I ever manage to be so wicked？ Oh； but
how good； how happy； I could benay； I WILL bein the future！
At once； at onceyes； this very minuteI will become another
being； and begin to live differently！〃 For all that； I continued
sitting on the window…sill； continued merely dreaming； and doing
nothing。 Have you ever； on a summer's day； gone to bed in dull；
rainy weather； and； waking just at sunset； opened your eyes and
seen through the square space of the windowthe space where the
linen blind is blowing up and down； and beating its rod upon the
window…sillthe rain…soaked； shadowy； purple vista of an avenue
of lime…trees； with a damp garden path lit up by the clear；
slanting beams of the sun； and then suddenly heard the joyous
sounds of bird life in the garden； and seen insects flying to and
fro at the open window； and glittering in the sunlight； and smelt
the fragrance of the rain…washed air； and thought to yourself；
〃Am I not ashamed to be lying in bed on such an evening as this？〃
and； leaping joyously to your feet； gone out into the garden and
revelled in all that welter of life？ If you have； then you can
imagine for yourself the overpowering sensation which was then
possessing me。
III
DREAMS
〃To…day I will make my confession and purge myself of every sin；〃
I thought to myself。 〃Nor will I ever commit another one。〃 At
this point I recalled all the peccadilloes which most troubled my
conscience。 〃I will go to church regularly every Sunday； as well
as read the Gospel at the close of every hour throughout the day。
What is more； I will set aside； out of the cheque which I shall
receive each month after I have gone to the University； two…and…
a…half roubles〃 （a tenth of my monthly allowance） 〃for people who
are poor but not exactly beggars； yet without letting any one
know anything about it。 Yes； I will begin to look out for people
like thatorphans or old womenat once； yet never tell a soul
what I am doing for them。
〃Also； I will have a room here of my very own （St。 Jerome's；
probably）； and look after it myself； and keep it perfectly clean。
I will never let any one do anything for me； for every one is
just a human being like myself。 Likewise I will walk every day；
not drive； to the University。 Even if some one gives me a drozhki
＇Russian phaeton。＇ I will sell it； and devote the money to the
poor。 Everything I will do exactly and always〃 （what that
〃always〃 meant I could not possibly have said； but at least I had
a vivid consciousness of its connoting some kind of prudent；
moral； and irreproachable life）。 〃I will get up all my lectures
thoroughly； and go over all the subjects beforehand； so that at
the end of my first course I may come out top and write a thesis。
During my second course also I will get up everything beforehand；
so that I may soon be transferred to the third course； and at
eighteen come out top in the examinations； and receive two gold
medals； and go on to be Master of Arts； and Doctor； and the first
scholar in Europe。 Yes； in all Europe I mean to be the first
scholar。Well； what next？〃 I asked myself at this point。
Suddenly it struck me that dreams of this sort were a form of
pridea sin which I should have to confess to the priest that
very evening； so I returned to the original thread of my
meditations。 〃When getting up my lectures I will go to the
Vorobievi Gori； ＇Sparrow Hillsa public park near Moscow。＇ and
choose some spot under a tree； and read my lectures over there。
Sometimes I will take with me something to eatcheese or a pie
from Pedotti's； or something of the kind。 After that I will sleep
a little； and then read some good book or other； or else draw
pictures or play on some instrument （certainly I must learn to
play the flute）。 Perhaps SHE too will be walking on the Vorobievi
Gori； and will approach me one day and say； 'Who are you？' and I
shall look at her； oh； so sadly； and say that I am the son of a
priest； and that I am happy only when I am there alone； quite
alone。 Then she will give me her hand； and say something to me；
and sit down beside me。 So every day we shall go to the same
spot； and be friends together； and I shall kiss her。 But no！ That
would not be right！ On the contrary； from this day forward I
never mean to look at a woman again。 Never； never again do I mean
to walk with a girl； nor even to go near one if I can help it。
Yet； of course； in three years' time； when I have come of age； I
shall marry。 Also； I mean to take as much exercise as ever I can；
and to do gymnastics every day； so that； when I have turned
twenty…five； I shall be stronger even than Rappo。 On my first
day's training I mean to hold out half a pood ＇The Pood = 40
Russian pounds。＇ at arm's length for five minutes； and the next
day twenty…one pounds； and the third day twenty…two pounds； and
so on； until at last I can hold out four poods in each hand； and
be stronger even than a porter。 Then； if ever any one should try
to insult me or should begin to speak disrespectfully of HER； I
shall take him so； by the front of his coat； and lift him up an
arshin ＇The arshin = 2 feet 3 inches。＇ or two with one hand； and
just hold him there； so that he may feel my strength and cease
from his conduct。 Yet that too would not be right。 No； no； it
would not matter； I should not hurt him； merely show him that I〃
Let no one blame me because the dreams of my youth were as
foolish as those of my childhood and boyhood。 I am sure that；
even if it be my fate to live to extreme old age and to continue
my story with the years； I； an old man of seventy； shall be found
dreaming dreams just as impossible and childish as those I am
dreaming now。 I shall be dreaming of some lovely Maria who loves
me； the toothless old man； as she might love a Mazeppa； of some
imbecile son who； through some extraordinary chance； has suddenly
become a minister of state； of my suddenly receiving a windfall
of a million of roubles。 I am sure that there exists no human
being； no human age； to whom or to which that gracious；
consolatory power of dreaming is totally a stranger。 Yet； save
for the one general feature of magic and impossibility； the
dreams of each human being； of each age of man； have their own
distinguishing characteristics。 At the period upon which I look
as having marked the close of my boyhood and the beginning of my
youth； four leading sentiments formed the basis of my dreams。 The
first of those sentiments was love for HERfor an imaginary
woman whom I always pictured the same in my dreams； and whom I
somehow expected to meet some day and somewhere。 This she of mine
had a little of Sonetchka in her； a little of Masha as Masha
could look when she stood washing linen over the clothes…tub； and
a little of a certain woman with pearls round her fair white neck
whom I had once seen long； long ago at a theatre； in a box below
our own。 My second sentiment was a craving for love。 I wanted
every one to know me and to love me。 I wanted to be able to utter
my nameNicola Irtenieffand at once to see every one
thunderstruck at it； and come crowding round me and thanking me
for something or another； I hardly knew what。 My third sentiment
was the expectation of some extraordinary； glorious happiness
that was impendingsome happiness so strong and assured as to
verge upon ecstasy。 Indeed； so firmly persuaded was I that very；
very soon some unexpected chance would suddenly make me the
richest and most famous man in the world that I lived in
constant； tremulous expectation of this magic good fortune
befalling me。 I was always thinking to myself that 〃IT is
beginning；〃 and that I should go on thereafter to attain
everything that a man could wish for。 Consequently； I was for ever
hurrying from place to place； in the belief that 〃IT〃 must be
〃beginning〃 just where I happened not to be。 Lastly； my fourth
and principal sentiment of all was abhorrence of myself； mingled
with regretyet a regret so blended with the certain expectation
of happiness to which I have referred that it had in it nothing
of sorrow。 It seemed to me that it would be so easy and natural
for me to tear myself away from my past and to remake itto
forget all that had been； and to begin my life； with all its
relations； anewthat the past never troubled me； never clung to
me at all。 I even found a certain pleasure in detesting the past；
and in seeing it in a darker light than the true one。 This note
of regret and of a curious longing for perfection were the chief
mental impressions which I gathered from that new stage of my
growthimpressions which imparted new principles to my view of
myself； of men； and of God's world。 O good and consoling voice；
which in later days； in sorrowful days when my soul yielded
silently to the sway of life's falseness and depravity； so often
raised a sudden； bold protest against all in