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time devoid of the tact to conceal her admiration。 Consequently
she flatters his vanitynot out of pretence； but sincerely。〃
This dictum I laid to heart； and； when thinking it over
afterwards； could not but come to the conclusion that Varenika
was very sensible； wherefore I was glad to award her promotion
thenceforth in my regard。 Yet； though I was always glad enough to
assign her any credit which might arise from my discovering in
her character any signs of good sense or other moral qualities； I
did so with strict moderation； and never ran to any extreme pitch
of enthusiasm in the process。 Thus； when Sophia Ivanovna （who was
never weary of discussing her niece） related to me how； four
years ago； Varenika had suddenly given away all her clothes to
some peasant children without first asking permission to do so；
so that the garments had subsequently to be recovered； I did not
at once accept the fact as entitling Varenika to elevation in my
opinion； but went on giving her good advice about the
unpracticalness of such views on property。
When other guests were present at the Nechludoffs （among them；
sometimes； Woloda and Dubkoff） I used to withdraw myself to a
remote plane； and； with the complacency and quiet consciousness
of strength of an habitue of the house； listen to what others
were saying without putting in a remark myself。 Yet everything
that these others said seemed to me so immeasurably stupid that I
used to feel inwardly amazed that such a clever； logical woman as
the Princess； with her equally logical family； could listen to
and answer such rubbish。 Had it； however； entered into my head to
compare what； others said with what I myself said when there
alone； I should probably have ceased to feel surprise。 Still less
should I have continued to feel surprise had I not believed that
the women of our own householdAvdotia； Lubotshka； and Katenka
were superior to the rest of their sex； for in that case I should
have remembered the kind of things over which Avdotia and Katenka
would laugh and jest with Dubkoff from one end of an evening to
the other。 I should have remembered that seldom did an evening
pass but Dubkoff would first have； an argument about something；
and then read in a sententious voice either some verses beginning
〃Au banquet de la vie； infortune convive〃 or extracts from The
Demon。 In short； I should have remembered what nonsense they used
to chatter for hours at a time。
It need hardly be said that； when guests were present； Varenika
paid less attention to me than when we were alone； as well as
that I was deprived of the reading and music which I so greatly
loved to hear。 When talking to guests； she lost； in my eyes； her
principal charmthat of quiet seriousness and simplicity。 I
remember how strange it used to seem to me to hear her
discoursing on theatres and the weather to my brother Woloda！ I
knew that of all things in the world he most despised and shunned
banality； and that Varenika herself used to make fun of forced
conversations on the weather and similar matters。 Why； then； when
meeting in society； did they both of them talk such intolerable
nothings； and； as it were； shame one another？ After talks of this
kind I used to feel silently resentful against Woloda； as well as
next day to rally Varenika on her overnight guests。 Yet one
result of it was that I derived all the greater pleasure from
being one of the Nechludoffs' family circle。 Also； for some
reason or another I began to prefer meeting Dimitri in his
mother's drawing…room to being with him alone。
XLI
MY FRIENDSHIP WITH THE NECHLUDOFFS
At this period； indeed； my friendship with Dimitri hung by a
hair。 I had been criticising him too long not to have discovered
faults in his character； for it is only in first youth that we
love passionately and therefore love only perfect people。 As soon
as the mists engendered by love of this kind begin to dissolve；
and to be penetrated by the clear beams of reason； we see the
object of our adoration in his true shape； and with all his
virtues and failings exposed。 Some of those failings strike us
with the exaggerated force of the unexpected； and combine with
the instinct for novelty and the hope that perfection may yet be
found in a fellow…man to induce us not only to feel coldness； but
even aversion； towards the late object of our adoration。
Consequently； desiring it no longer； we usually cast it from us；
and pass onwards to seek fresh perfection。 For the circumstance
that that was not what occurred with respect to my own relation
to Dimitri； I was indebted to his stubborn； punctilious； and more
critical than impulsive attachment to myselfa tie which I felt
ashamed to break。 Moreover； our strange vow of frankness bound us
together。 We were afraid that； if we parted； we should leave in
one another's power all the incriminatory moral secrets of which
we had made mutual confession。 At the same time； our rule of
frankness had long ceased to be faithfully observed； but； on the
contrary； proved a frequent cause of constraint； and brought
about strange relations between us。
Almost every time that winter that I went upstairs to Dimitri's
room； I used to find there a University friend of his named
Bezobiedoff； with whom he appeared to be very much taken up。
Bezobiedoff was a small； slight fellow； with a face pitted over
with smallpox； freckled； effeminate hands； and a huge flaxen
moustache much in need of the comb。 He was invariably dirty；
shabby； uncouth； and uninteresting。 To me； Dimitri's relations
with him were as unintelligible as his relations with Lubov
Sergievna； and the only reason he could have had for choosing
such a man for his associate was that in the whole University
there was no worse…looking student than Bezobiedoff。 Yet that
alone would have been sufficient to make Dimitri extend him his
friendship； and； as a matter of fact； in all his intercourse with
this fellow he seemed to be saying proudly： 〃I care nothing who a
man may be。 In my eyes every one is equal。 I like him； and
therefore he is a desirable acquaintance。〃 Nevertheless I could
not imagine how he could bring himself to do it； nor how the
wretched Bezobiedoff ever contrived to maintain his awkward
position。 To me the friendship seemed a most distasteful one。
One night； I went up to Dimitri's room to try and get him to come
down for an evening's talk in his mother's drawing…room； where we
could also listen to Varenika's reading and singing； but
Bezobiedoff had forestalled me there； and Dimitri answered me
curtly that he could not come down； since； as I could see for
myself； he had a visitor with him。
〃Besides；〃 he added； 〃what is the fun of sitting there？ We had
much better stay HERE and talk。〃
I scarcely relished the prospect of spending a couple of hours in
Bezobiedoff's company； yet could not make up my mind to go down
alone； wherefore； cursing my friend's vagaries； I seated myself
in a rocking…chair； and began rocking myself silently to and fro。
I felt vexed with them both for depriving me of the pleasures of
the drawing…room； and my only hope as I listened irritably to
their conversation was that Bezobiedoff would soon take his
departure。 〃A nice guest indeed to be sitting with！〃 I thought to
myself when a footman brought in tea and Dimitri had five times
to beg Bezobiedoff to have a cup； for the reason that the bashful
guest thought it incumbent upon him always to refuse it at first
and to say； 〃No； help yourself。〃 I could see that Dimitri had to
put some restraint upon himself as he resumed the conversation。
He tried to inveigle me also into it； but I remained glum and
silent。
〃I do not mean to let my face give any one the suspicion that I
am bored〃 was my mental remark to Dimitri as I sat quietly
rocking myself to and fro with measured beat。 Yet； as the moments
passed； I found myselfnot without a certain satisfaction
growing more and more inwardly hostile to my friend。 〃What a fool
he is！〃 I reflected。 〃He might be spending the evening agreeably
with his charming family； yet he goes on sitting with this
brute！will go on doing so； too； until it is too late to go down
to the drawing…room！〃 Here I glanced at him over the back of my
chair； and thought the general look of his attitude and
appearance so offensive and repellant that at the moment I could
gladly have offered him some insult； even a most serious one。
At last Bezobiedoff rose； but Dimitri could not easily let such a
delightful friend depart； and asked him to stay the night。
Fortunately； Bezobiedoff declined the invitation； and departed。
Having seen him off； Dimitri returned； and； smiling a faintly
complacent smile as he did so； and rubbing his hands together （in
all probability partly because he had sustained his character for
eccentricity； and partly because he had got rid of a bore）；
started to pace the room； with an occa