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far as Lubotshka and Katenka were concerned）； failed to shake the
benevolent frame of mind into which I had fallen。 I was unusually
good…humoured that day； and listened to everything with a smile
and a studied air of kindness。 Even when I asked for the kvas I
did so politely； while I lost not a moment in agreeing with St。
Jerome when he told me that it was undoubtedly more correct to
say 〃Je peux〃 than 〃Je puis。〃 Yet； I must confess to a certain
disappointment at finding that no one paid any particular
attention to my politeness and good…humour。 After luncheon；
Lubotshka showed me a paper on which she had written down a list
of her sins： upon which I observed that； although the idea was
excellent so far as it went； it would be still better for her to
write down her sins on her SOUL〃a very different matter。〃
〃Why is it 'a very different matter'？〃 asked Lubotshka。
〃Never mind： that is all right； you do not understand me；〃 and I
went upstairs to my room； telling St。 Jerome that I was going to
work； but in reality purposing to occupy the hour and a half
before confession time in writing down a list of my daily tasks
and duties which should last me all my life； together with a
statement of my life's aim； and the rules by which I meant
unswervingly to be guided。
v
MY RULES
I TOOK some sheets of paper； and tried； first of all； to make a
list of my tasks and duties for the coming year。 The paper needed
ruling； but； as I could not find the ruler； I had to use a Latin
dictionary instead。 The result was that； when I had drawn the pen
along the edge of the dictionary and removed the latter； I found
that； in place of a line； I had only made an oblong smudge on the
paper； since the； dictionary was not long enough to reach across
it； and the pen had slipped round the soft； yielding corner of
the book。 Thereupon I took another piece of paper； and； by
carefully manipulating the dictionary； contrived to rule what at
least RESEMBLED lines。 Dividing my duties into three sections
my duties to myself； my duties to my neighbour； and my duties to
GodI started to indite a list of the first of those sections；
but they seemed to me so numerous； and therefore requiring to be
divided into so many species and subdivisions； that I thought I
had better first of all write down the heading of 〃Rules of My
Life〃 before proceeding to their detailed inscription。
Accordingly； I proceeded to write 〃Rules of My Life〃 on the
outside of the six sheets of paper which I had made into a sort
of folio； but the words came out in such a crooked and uneven
scrawl that for long I sat debating the question； 〃Shall I write
them again？〃for long； sat in agonised contemplation of the
ragged handwriting and disfigured title…page。 Why was it that all
the beauty and clarity which my soul then contained came out so
misshapenly on paper （as in life itself） just when I was wishing
to apply those qualities to what I was thinking at the moment？
〃The priest is here； so please come downstairs and hear his
directions；〃 said Nicola as he entered；
Hurriedly concealing my folio under the table…cloth； I looked at
myself in the mirror； combed my hair upwards （I imagined this to
give me a pensive air）； and descended to the divannaia； ＇Room
with divans； or ante…room＇ where the table stood covered with a
cloth and had an ikon and candles placed upon it。 Papa entered
just as I did； but by another door： whereupon the priesta grey…
headed old monk with a severe； elderly faceblessed him； and
Papa kissed his small； squat； wizened hand。 I did the same。
〃Go and call Woldemar；〃 said Papa。 〃Where is he？ Wait a minute；
though。 Perhaps he is preparing for the Communion at the
University？〃
〃No； he is with the Prince；〃 said Katenka； and glanced at
Lubotshka。 Suddenly the latter blushed for some reason or
another； and then frowned。 Finally； pretending that she was not
well； she left the room； and I followed her。 In the drawing…room
she halted； and began to pencil something fresh on her paper of
peccadilloes。
〃Well； what new sin have you gone and committed？〃 I asked。
〃Nothing；〃 she replied with another blush。 All at once we heard
Dimitri's voice raised in the hall as he took his leave of
Woloda。
〃It seems to me you are always experiencing some new temptation；〃
said Katenka； who had entered the room behind us； and now stood
looking at Lubotshka。
What was the matter with my sister I could not conceive； but she
was now so agitated that the tears were starting from her eyes。
Finally her confusion grew uncontrollable； and vented itself in
rage against both herself and Katenka； who appeared to be teasing
her。
〃Any one can see that you are a FOREIGNER！〃 she cried （nothing
offended Katenka so much as to be called by that term； which is
why Lubotshka used it）。 〃Just because I have the secret of which
you know；〃 she went on； with anger ringing through her tone； 〃you
purposely go and upset me！ Please do understand that it is no
joking matter。〃
〃Do you know what she has gone and written on her paper；
Nicolinka？ cried Katenka； much infuriated by the term
〃foreigner。〃 〃She has written down that〃
〃Oh； I never could have believed that you could be so cruel！〃
exclaimed Lubotshka； now bursting into open sobbing as she moved
away from us。 〃You chose that moment on purpose！ You spend your
whole time in trying to make me sin！ I'll never go to YOU again
for sympathy and advice！〃
VI
CONFESSION
With these and other disjointed impressions in my mind； I returned
to the divannaia。 As soon as every one had reassembled； the
priest rose and prepared to read the prayer before confession。
The instant that the silence was broken by the stern； expressive
voice of the monk as he recited the prayerand more especially
when he addressed to us the words： 〃Reveal thou all thy sins
without shame； concealment； or extenuation； and let thy soul be
cleansed before God： for if thou concealest aught； then great
will be thy sin〃the same sensation of reverent awe came over me
as I had felt during the morning。 I even took a certain pleasure
in recognising this condition of mine； and strove to preserve it；
not only by restraining all other thoughts from entering my
brain； but also by consciously exerting myself to feel no other
sensation than this same one of reverence。
Papa was the first to go to confession。 He remained a long； long
time in the room which had belonged to our grandmother； and
during that time the rest of us kept silence in the divannaia； or
only whispered to one another on the subject of who should
precede whom。 At length； the voice of the priest again reading the
prayer sounded from the doorway； and then Papa's footsteps。 The
door creaked as he came out； coughing and holding one shoulder
higher than the other； in his usual way； and for the moment he
did not look at any of us。
〃YOU go now； Luba；〃 he said presently； as he gave her cheek a
mischievous pinch。 〃Mind you tell him everything。 You are my
greatest sinner； you know。〃
Lubotshka went red and pale by turns； took her memorandum paper
out of her apron； replaced it； and finally moved away towards the
doorway with her head sunk between her shoulders as though she
expected to receive a blow upon it from above。 She was not long
gone； and when she returned her shoulders were shaking with sobs。
At lengthnext after the excellent Katenka （who came out of the
doorway with a smile on her face）my turn arrived。 I entered the
dimly…lighted room with the same vague feeling of awe； the same
conscious eagerness to arouse that feeling more and more in my
soul； that had possessed me up to the present moment。 The priest；
standing in front of a reading…desk； slowly turned his face to
me。
I was not more than five minutes in the room； but came out from
it happy and （so I persuaded myself） entirely cleanseda new； a
morally reborn individual。 Despite the fact that the old
surroundings of my life now struck me as unfamiliar （even though
the rooms； the furniture； and my own figurewould to heavens
that I could have changed my outer man for the better in the same
way that I believed myself to have changed my inner Iwere the
same as before）； I remained in that comfortable attitude of mine
until the very moment of bedtime。
Yet； no sooner had I begun to grow drowsy with the conning over
of my sins than in a flash I recollected a particularly shameful
sin which I had suppressed at confession time。 Instantly the
words of the prayer before confession came back to my memory and
began sounding in my ears。 My peace was gone for ever。 〃For if
thou concealest aught； then great will be thy sin。〃 Each time
that the phrase recurred to me I saw myself a sinner for whom no
punishment was adequate。 Long did I toss from side to side as I
considered my position； while expecting every moment to be
visite