按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
Such was the frame of mind in which I attended for the first
examination。 I seated myself on the bench where the princes；
counts； and barons always sat； and began talking to them in
French； with the not unnatural result that I never gave another
thought to the answers which I was shortly to return to questions
in a subject of which I knew nothing。 I gazed supinely at other
students as they went up to be examined； and even allowed myself
to chaff some of them。
〃Well； Grap；〃 I said to Ilinka （who； from our first entry into
the University； had shaken off my influence； had ceased to smile
when I spoke to him； and always remained ill…disposed towards
me）； 〃have you survived the ordeal？〃
〃Yes；〃 retorted Ilinka。 〃Let us see if YOU can do so。〃
I smiled contemptuously at the answer； notwithstanding that the
doubt which he had expressed had given me a momentary shock。 Once
again； however； indifference overlaid that feeling； and I
remained so entirely absent…minded and supine that； the very
moment after I had been examined （a mere formality for me； as it
turned out） I was making a dinner appointment with Baron Z。 When
called out with Ikonin； I smoothed the creases in my uniform； and
walked up to the examiner's table with perfect sang froid。
True； a slight shiver of apprehension ran down my back when the
young professorthe same one as had examined me for my
matriculationlooked me straight in the face as I reached across
to the envelope containing the tickets。 Ikonin； though taking a
ticket with the same plunge of his whole body as he had done at
the previous examinations； did at least return some sort of an
answer this time； though a poor one。 I； on the contrary； did just
as he had done on the two previous occasions； or even worse；
since I took a second ticket； yet for a second time returned no
answer。 The professor looked me compassionately in the face； and
said in a quiet； but determined； voice：
〃You will not pass into the second course； Monsieur Irtenieff。
You had better not complete the examinations。 The faculty must be
weeded out。 The same with you； Monsieur Ikonin。〃
Ikonin implored leave to finish the examinations； as a great
favour； but the professor replied that he （Ikonin） was not likely
to do in two days what he had not succeeded in doing in a year；
and that he had not the smallest chance of passing。 Ikonin
renewed his humble； piteous appeals； but the professor was
inexorable。
〃You can go； gentlemen；〃 he remarked in the same quiet； resolute
voice。
I was only too glad to do so； for I felt ashamed of seeming； by
my silent presence； to be joining in Ikonin's humiliating prayers
for grace。 I have no recollection of how I threaded my way
through the students in the hall； nor of what I replied to their
questions； nor of how I passed into the vestibule and departed
home。 I was offended； humiliated； and genuinely unhappy。
For three days I never left my room； and saw no one； but found
relief in copious tears。 I should have sought a pistol to shoot
myself if I had had the necessary determination for the deed。 I
thought that Ilinka Grap would spit in my face when he next met
me； and that he would have the right to do so； that Operoff would
rejoice at my misfortune； and tell every one of it； that
Kolpikoff had justly shamed me that night at the restaurant； that
my stupid speeches to Princess Kornikoff had had their fitting
result； and so on； and so on。 All the moments in my life which
had been for me most difficult and painful recurred to my mind。 I
tried to blame some one for my calamity； and thought that some
one must have done it on purposemust have conspired a whole
intrigue against me。 Next； I murmured against the professors；
against my comrades； Woloda； Dimitri； and Papa （the last for
having sent me to the University at all）。 Finally； I railed at
Providence for ever having let me see such ignominy。 Believing
myself ruined for ever in the eyes of all who knew me； I besought
Papa to let me go into the hussars or to the Caucasus。 Naturally；
Papa was anything but pleased at what had happened； yet； on
seeing my passionate grief； he comforted me by saying that；
though it was a bad business； it might yet be mended by my
transferring to another faculty。 Woloda； who also saw nothing
very terrible in my misfortune； added that at least I should not
be put out of countenance in a new faculty； since I should have
new comrades there。 As for the ladies of the household； they
neither knew nor cared what either an examination or a plucking
meant； and condoled with me only because they saw me in such
distress。 Dimitri came to see me every day； and was very kind and
consolatory throughout； but for that very reason he seemed to me
to have grown colder than before。 It always hurt me and made me
feel uncomfortable when he came up to my room and seated himself
in silence beside me； much as a doctor might scat himself by the
bedside of an awkward patient。 Sophia Ivanovna and Varenika sent
me books for which I had expressed a wish； as also an invitation
to go and see them； but in that very thoughtfulness of theirs I
saw only proud； humiliating condescension to one who had fallen
beyond forgiveness。 Although； in three days' time； I grew calmer；
it was not until we departed for the country that I left the
house； but spent the time in nursing my grief and wandering；
fearful of all the household； through the various rooms。
One evening； as I was sitting deep in thought and listening to
Avdotia playing her waltz； I suddenly leapt to my feet； ran
upstairs； got out the copy…book whereon I had once inscribed
〃Rules of My Life；〃 opened it； and experienced my first moment of
repentance and moral resolution。 True； I burst into tears once
more； but they were no longer tears of despair。 Pulling myself
together； I set about writing out a fresh set of rules； in the
assured conviction that never again would I do a wrong action；
waste a single moment on frivolity； or alter the rules which I
now decided to frame。
How long that moral impulse lasted； what it consisted of； and
what new principles I devised for my moral growth I will relate
when speaking of the ensuing and happier portion of my early
manhood。
End