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good while past my horse's feeding…time。 You see； I am a night
cabman。〃
〃Well； I only seemed to myself to be about a minute；〃 I went on。
〃Do you know what I went there for？〃 I added； changing my seat to
the well of the drozhki； so as to be nearer the driver。
〃What business is it of mine？ I drive a fare where he tells me to
go；〃 he replied。
〃Yes； but； all the same； what do you think I went there for？〃 I
persisted。
〃I expect some one you know is going to be buried there； so you
went to see about a plot for the grave。〃
〃No； no； my friend。 Still； DO you know what I went there for？〃
〃No； of course I cannot tell； barin；〃 he repeated。
His voice seemed to me so kind that I decided to edify him by
relating the cause of my expedition； and even telling him of the
feeling which I had experienced。
〃Shall I tell you？〃 I said。 〃Well； you see；〃and I told him all；
as well as inflicted upon him a description of my fine
sentiments。 To this day I blush at the recollection。
〃Well； well！〃 said the cabman non…committally； and for a long
while afterwards he remained silent and motionless； except that
at intervals he adjusted the skirt of his coat each time that it
was jerked from beneath his leg by the joltings of his huge boot
on the drozhki's step。 I felt sure that he must be thinking of me
even as the priest had done。 That is to say； that he must be
thinking that no such fine…spirited young man existed in the
world as I。 Suddenly he shot at me：
〃I tell you what； barin。 You ought to keep God's affairs to
yourself。〃
〃What？〃 I said。
〃Those affairs of yoursthey are God's business；〃 he repeated；
mumbling the words with his toothless lips。
〃No； he has not understood me；〃 I thought to myself； and said no
more to him till we reached home。
Although it was not my original sense of reconciliation and
reverence； but only a sort of complacency at having experienced
such a sense； that lasted in me during the drive home （and that；
too； despite the distraction of the crowds of people who now
thronged the sunlit streets in every direction）； I had no sooner
reached home than even my spurious complacency was shattered； for
I found that I had not the forty copecks wherewith to pay the
cabman！ To the butler； Gabriel； I already owed a small debt； and
he refused to lend me any more。 Seeing me twice run across the
courtyard in quest of the money； the cabman must have divined the
reason； for； leaping from his drozhki； henotwithstanding that
he had seemed so kindbegan to bawl aloud （with an evident
desire to punch my head） that people who do not pay for their
cab…rides are swindlers。
None of my family were yet out of bed； so that； except for the
servants； there was no one from whom to borrow the forty copecks。
At length； on my most sacred； sacred word of honour to repay （a
word to which； as I could see from his face； he did not
altogether trust）； Basil so far yielded to his fondness for me
and his remembrance of the many services I had done him as to pay
the cabman。 Thus all my beautiful feelings ended in smoke。 When I
went upstairs to dress for church and go to Communion with the
rest I found that my new clothes had not yet come home； and so I
could not wear them。 Then I sinned headlong。 Donning my other
suit； I went to Communion in a sad state of mental perturbation；
and filled with complete distrust of all my finer impulses。
IX
HOW I PREPARED MYSELF FOR THE EXAMINATIONS
On the Thursday in Easter week Papa； my sister； Katenka； and Mimi
went away into the country； and no one remained in my
grandmother's great house but Woloda； St。 Jerome； and myself。 The
frame of mind which I had experienced on the day of my confession
and during my subsequent expedition to the monastery had now
completely passed away； and left behind it only a dim； though
pleasing； memory which daily became more and more submerged by
the impressions of this emancipated existence。
The folio endorsed 〃Rules of My Life〃 lay concealed beneath a
pile of school…books。 Although the idea of the possibility of
framing rules； for every occasion in my life and always letting
myself be guided by them still pleased me （since it appeared an
idea at once simple and magnificent； and I was determined to make
practical application of it）； I seemed somehow to have forgotten
to put it into practice at once； and kept deferring doing so
until such and such a moment。 At the same time； I took pleasure
in the thought that every idea which now entered my head could be
allotted precisely to one or other of my three sections of tasks
and dutiesthose for or to God； those for or to my neighbour； and
those for or to myself。 〃I can always refer everything to them；〃
I said to myself； 〃as well as the many； many other ideas which
occur to me on one subject or another。〃 Yet at this period I
often asked myself； 〃Was I better and more truthful when I only
believed in the power of the human intellect； or am I more so
now； when I am losing the faculty of developing that power； and
am in doubt both as to its potency and as to its importance？〃 To
this I could return no positive answer。
The sense of freedom； combined with the spring…like feeling of
vague expectation to which I have referred already； so unsettled
me that I could not keep myself in handcould make none but the
sorriest of preparations for my University ordeal。 Thus I was
busy in the schoolroom one morning； and fully aware that I must
work hard； seeing that to…morrow was the day of my examination in
a subject of which I had the two whole questions still to read
up； yet no sooner had a breath of spring come wafted through the
window than I felt as though there were something quite different
that I wished to recall to my memory。 My hands laid down my book；
my feet began to move of themselves； and to set me walking up and
down the room； and my head felt as though some one had suddenly
touched in it a little spring and set some machine in motionso
easily and swiftly and naturally did all sorts of pleasing
fancies of which I could catch no more than the radiancy begin
coursing through it。 Thus one hour； two hours； elapsed
unperceived。 Even if I sat down determinedly to my book； and
managed to concentrate my whole attention upon what I was
reading； suddenly there would sound in the corridor the footsteps
of a woman and the rustle of her dress。 Instantly everything
would escape my mind； and I would find it impossible to remain
still any longer； however much I knew that the woman could only
be either Gasha or my grandmother's old sewing…maid moving about
in the corridor。 〃Yet suppose it should be SHE all at once？〃 I
would say to myself。 〃Suppose IT is beginning now； and I were to
lose it？〃 and； darting out into the corridor； I would find； each
time； that it was only Gasha。 Yet for long enough afterwards I
could not recall my attention to my studies。 A little spring had
been touched in my head； and a strange mental ferment started
afresh。 Again； that evening I was sitting alone beside a tallow
candle in my room。 Suddenly I looked up for a momentto snuff
the candle； or to straighten myself in my chairand at once
became aware of nothing but the darkness in the corners and the
blank of the open doorway。 Then； I also became conscious how still
the house was； and felt as though I could do nothing else than go
on listening to that stillness； and gazing into the black square
of that open doorway； and gradually sinking into a brown study as
I sat there without moving。 At intervals； however； I would get
up； and go downstairs； and begin wandering through the empty
rooms。 Once I sat a long while in the small drawing…room as I
listened to Gasha playing 〃The Nightingale〃 （with two fingers） on
the piano in the large drawing…room； where a solitary candle
burned。 Later； when the moon was bright； I felt obliged to get
out of bed and to lean out of the window； so that I might gaze
into the garden； and at the lighted roof of the Shaposnikoff
mansion； the straight tower of our parish church； and the dark
shadows of the fence and the lilac…bush where they lay black upon
the path。 So long did I remain there that； when I at length
returned to bed； it was ten o'clock in the morning before I could
open my eyes again。
In short； had it not been for the tutors who came to give me
lessons； as well as for St。 Jerome （who at intervals； and very
grudgingly； applied a spur to my self…conceit） and； most of all；
for the desire to figure as 〃clever〃 in the eyes of my friend
Nechludoff （who looked upon distinctions in University
examinations as a matter of first…rate importance）had it not
been for all these things； I say； the spring and my new freedom
would have combined to make me forget everything I had ever
learnt； and so to go through the examinations to no purpose
whatsoever。
X
THE EXAMINATION IN HISTO