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only object being to get away； though； occasionallywhether by
design or accidentit succeeds in inflicting injury upon one or
other of its executioners； or more often upon one of the spectators；
striking him either on the head or about the region of the waist；
which； judging by results； would appear； from the Ball's point of
view； to be the better selection。 These small reddish Balls are
quickened into life evidently by the heat of the sun； in the cold
season they disappear； and their place is taken by a much larger
Ball。 This Ball the champions kill by striking it with their feet
and with their heads。 But sometimes they will attempt to suffocate
it by falling on it； some dozen of them at a time。
〃Another of these seemingly harmless enemies of the human race is a
small white Ball of great cunning and resource。 It frequents sandy
districts by the sea coast and open spaces near the large towns。 It
is pursued with extraordinary animosity by a florid…faced insect of
fierce aspect and rotundity of figure。 The weapon he employs is a
long stick loaded with metal。 With one blow he will send the
creature through the air sometimes to a distance of nearly a quarter
of a mile； yet so vigorous is the constitution of these Balls that it
will fall to earth apparently but little damaged。 It is followed by
the rotund man accompanied by a smaller insect carrying spare clubs。
Though hampered by the prominent whiteness of its skin； the extreme
smallness of this Ball often enables it to defy re…discovery； and at
such times the fury of the little round man is terrible to
contemplate。 He dances round the spot where the ball has
disappeared； making frenzied passes at the surrounding vegetation
with his club； uttering the while the most savage and bloodcurdling
growls。 Occasionally striking at the small creature in fury； he will
miss it altogether； and； having struck merely the air； will sit down
heavily upon the ground； or； striking the solid earth； will shatter
his own club。 Then a curious thing takes place： all the other
insects standing round place their right hand before their mouth；
and； turning away their faces； shake their bodies to and fro；
emitting a strange crackling sound。 Whether this is to be regarded
as a mere expression of their grief that the blow of their comrade
should have miscarried； or whether one may assume it to be a
ceremonious appeal to their gods for better luck next time； I have
not as yet made up my mind。 The striker； meanwhile； raises both
arms； the hands tightly clenched； towards the heavens； and utters
what is probably a prayer； prepared expressly for the occasion。
＇The Heir of all Ages。 His Inheritance。＇
In similar manner he； the Celestial Observer； proceeds to describe
our billiard matches； our tennis tournaments； our croquet parties。
Maybe it never occurs to him that a large section of our race
surrounded by Eternity； would devote its entire span of life to sheer
killing of time。 A middle…aged friend of mine； a cultured gentleman；
a M。A。 of Cambridge； assured me the other day that； notwithstanding
all his experiences of life； the thing that still gave him the
greatest satisfaction was the accomplishment of a successful drive to
leg。 Rather a quaint commentary on our civilization； is it not？
〃The singers have sung； and the builders have builded。 The artists
have fashioned their dreams of delight。〃 The martyrs for thought and
freedom have died their death； knowledge has sprung from the bones of
ignorance； civilization for ten thousand years has battled with
brutality to this resultthat a specimen gentleman of the Twentieth
Century； the heir of all the ages； finds his greatest joy in life the
striking of a ball with a chunk of wood！
Human energy； human suffering； has been wasted。 Such crown of
happiness for a man might surely have been obtained earlier and at
less cost。 Was it intended？ Are we on the right track？ The child's
play is wiser。 The battered doll is a princess。 Within the sand
castle dwells an ogre。 It is with imagination that he plays。 His
games have some relation to life。 It is the man only who is content
with this everlasting knocking about of a ball。 The majority of
mankind is doomed to labour so constant； so exhausting； that no
opportunity is given it to cultivate its brain。 Civilization has
arranged that a small privileged minority shall alone enjoy that
leisure necessary to the development of thought。 And what is the
answer of this leisured class？ It is：
〃We will do nothing for the world that feeds us； clothes us； keeps us
in luxury。 We will spend our whole existence knocking balls about；
watching other people knocking balls about； arguing with one another
as to the best means of knocking balls about。〃
＇Is it 〃Playing the Game？〃＇
Is itto use their own jargon〃playing the game？〃
And the queer thing is this over…worked world； that stints itself to
keep them in idleness； approves of the answer。 〃The flannelled
fool；〃 〃The muddied oaf；〃 is the pet of the people； their hero； their
ideal。
But maybe all this is mere jealousy。 Myself； I have never been
clever at knocking balls about。
CHAPTER X
＇Patience and the Waiter。＇
The slowest waiter I know is the British railway refreshment…room
waiter。
His very breathingregular； harmonious； penetrating； instinct as it
is with all the better attributes of a well…preserved grandfather's
clockconveys suggestion of dignity and peace。 He is a huge；
impressive person。 There emanates from him an atmosphere of
Lotusland。 The otherwise unattractive refreshment…room becomes an
oasis of repose amid the turmoil of a fretful world。 All things
conspire to aid him： the ancient joints； ranged side by side like
corpses in a morgue； each one decently hidden under its white muslin
shroud； whispering of death and decay； the dish of dead flies；
thoughtfully placed in the centre of the table； the framed
advertisements extolling the virtues of heavy beers and stouts； of
weird champagnes； emanating from haunted…looking chateaux； situate
if one may judge from the illustrationin the midst of desert lands；
the sleep…inviting buzz of the bluebottles。
The spirit of the place steals over you。 On entering； with a quarter
of an hour to spare； your idea was a cutlet and a glass of claret。
In the face of the refreshment…room waiter； the notion appears
frivolous； not to say un…English。 You order cold beef and pickles；
with a pint of bitter in a tankard。 To win the British waiter's
approval； you must always order beer in a tankard。 The British
waiter； in his ideals； is mediaeval。 There is a Shakespearean touch
about a tankard。 A soapy potato will； of course； be added。
Afterwards a ton of cheese and a basin of rabbit's food floating in
water （the British salad） will be placed before you。 You will work
steadily through the whole； anticipating the somnolence that will
subsequently fall upon you with a certain amount of satisfaction。 It
will serve to dispel the last lingering regret at the reflection that
you will miss your appointment； and suffer thereby serious
inconvenience if not positive loss。 These things are of the world
the noisy； tiresome world you have left without。
To the English traveller； the foreign waiter in the earlier stages of
his career is a burden and a trial。 When he is completewhen he
really can talk English I rejoice in him。 When I object to him is
when his English is worse than my French or German； and when he will；
for his own educational purposes； insist； nevertheless； that the
conversation shall be entirely in English。 I would he came to me
some other time。 I would so much rather make it after dinner or；
say； the next morning。 I hate giving lessons during meal times。
Besides； to a man with feeble digestion； this sort of thing can lead
to trouble。 One waiter I met at an hotel in Dijon knew very little
Englishabout as much as a poll parrot。 The moment I entered the
salle…a…manger he started to his feet。
〃Ah！ You English！〃 he cried。
〃Well； what about us？〃 I answered。 It was during the period of the
Boer War。 I took it he was about to denounce the English nation
generally。 I was looking for something to throw at him。
〃You Englishyou Englishman； yes；〃 he repeated。
And then I understood he had merely intended a question。 I owned up
that I was； and accused him in turn of being a Frenchman。 He
admitted it。 Introductions； as it were； thus over； I thought I would
order dinner。 I ordered it in French。 I am not bragging of my
French； I never wanted to learn French。 Even as a boy； it was more
the idea of others than of myself。 I learnt as little as possible。
But I have learnt enough to live in places where they can't； or
won't； speak anything else。 Left to myself； I could have enjoyed a
very satisfactory dinner。 I was tired with a long day's journey； and
hungry。 They cook well at this hotel。 I had been looking forward to
my dinner for hours and hours。 I had sat down in my imagination to a
consomme bisque； sole au gratin； a pou