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Mrs。 Jeames might be said almost to out…Y the squeel of the dying；
as we rusht into that fashnable Spaw； and my pore Mary Hann found
it was not Baby； but Bundles I had in my lapp。
〃When the Old Dowidger Lady Bareacres； who was waiting heagerly at
the train； herd that owing to that abawminable Brake of Gage the
luggitch； her Ladyship's Cherrybrandy box； the cradle for Lady
Hangelina's baby； the lace； crockary and chany； was rejuiced to one
immortial smash； the old cat howld at me and pore dear Mary Hann；
as if it was huss； and not the infunnle Brake of Gage； was to
blame； and as if we ad no misfortns of our hown to deplaw。 She
bust out about my stupid imparence； called Mary Hann a good for
nothink creecher； and wep； and abewsd； and took on about her broken
Chayny Bowl； a great deal mor than she did about a dear little
Christian child。 'Don't talk to me abowt your bratt of a babby'
（seshe）； 'where's my bowl？where's my medsan？where's my
bewtiffle Pint lace？All in rewing through your stupiddaty； you
brute； you！'
〃'Bring your haction aginst the Great Western； Maam；' says I； quite
riled by this crewel and unfealing hold wixen。 'Ask the pawters at
Gloster； why your goods is spiledit's not the fust time they've
been asked the question。 Git the gage haltered aginst the nex time
you send for MEDSAN and meanwild buy some at the 〃Plow〃they keep
it very good and strong there； I'll be bound。 Has for us； WE'RE a
going back to the cussid station at Gloster； in such of our blessid
child。'
〃'You don't mean to say； young woman；' seshe； 'that you're not
going to Lady Hangelina： what's her dear boy to do？ who's to nuss
it？'
〃'YOU nuss it； Maam；' says I。 'Me and Mary Hann return this momint
by the Fly。' And so （whishing her a suckastic ajew） Mrs。 Jeames
and I lep into a one oss weakle； and told the driver to go like mad
back to Gloster。
〃I can't describe my pore gals hagny juring our ride。 She sat in
the carridge as silent as a milestone； and as madd as a march Air。
When we got to Gloster she sprang hout of it as wild as a Tigris；
and rusht to the station； up to the fatle Bench。
〃'My child； my child；' shreex she； in a hoss； hot voice。 'Where's
my infant？ a little bewtifle child； with blue eyes；dear Mr。
Policeman； give it mea thousand guineas for it。'
〃'Faix； Mam；' says the man； a Hirishman； 'and the divvle a babby
have I seen this day except thirteen of my ownand you're welcome
to any one of THEM； and kindly。'
〃'As if HIS babby was equal to ours；' as my darling Mary Hann said；
afterwards。 All the station was scrouging round us by this time
pawters & clarx and refreshmint people and all。 'What's this year
row about that there babby？' at last says the Inspector； stepping
hup。 I thought my wife was going to jump into his harms。 'Have
you got him？' says she。
〃'Was it a child in a blue cloak？' says he。
〃'And blue eyse！' says my wife。
〃'I put a label on him and sent him on to Bristol； he's there by
this time。 The Guard of the Mail took him and put him into a
letter…box；' says he： 'he went 20 minutes ago。 We found him on the
broad gauge line； and sent him on by it； in course；' says he。 'And
it'll be a caution to you； young woman； for the future； to label
your children along with the rest of your luggage。'
〃If my piguniary means had been such as ONCE they was； you may
emadgine I'd have ad a speshle train and been hoff like smoak。 As
it was； we was obliged to wait 4 mortial hours for the next train
（4 ears they seemed to us）； and then away we went。
〃'My boy！ my little boy！' says poor choking Mary Hann； when we got
there。 'A parcel in a blue cloak？' says the man。 'No body claimed
him here； and so we sent him back by the mail。 An Irish nurse here
gave him some supper； and he's at Paddington by this time。 Yes；'
says he； looking at the clock； 'he's been there these ten minutes。'
〃But seeing my poor wife's distracted histarricle state； this good…
naterd man says； 'I think； my dear； there's a way to ease your
mind。 We'll know in five minutes how he is。'
〃'Sir；' says she； 'don't make sport of me。'
〃'No； my dear； we'll TELEGRAPH him。'
〃And he began hopparating on that singlar and ingenus elecktricle
inwention； which aniliates time； and carries intellagence in the
twinkling of a peg…post。
〃'I'll ask；' says he； 'for child marked G。 W。 273。'
〃Back comes the telegraph with the sign； 'All right。'
〃'Ask what he's doing； sir；' says my wife； quite amazed。 Back
comes the answer in a Jiffy
〃'C。 R。 Y。 I。 N。 G。'
〃This caused all the bystanders to laugh excep my pore Mary Hann；
who pull'd a very sad face。
〃The good…naterd feller presently said； 'he'd have another trile；'
and what d'ye think was the answer？ I'm blest if it wasn't
〃'P。 A。 P。'
〃He was eating pap！ There's for youthere's a rogue for you
there's a March of Intaleck！ Mary Hann smiled now for the fust
time。 'He'll sleep now；' says she。 And she sat down with a full
hart。
。 。 。 。 。 。
〃If hever that good…naterd Shooperintendent comes to London； HE
need never ask for his skore at the 'Wheel of Fortune Otel；' I
promise youwhere me and my wife and James Hangelo now is； and
where only yesterday a gent came in and drew this pictur* of us in
our bar。
* This refers to an illustrated edition of the work。
〃And if they go on breaking gages； and if the child； the most
precious luggidge of the Henglishman； is to be bundled about this
year way； why it won't be for want of warning； both from Professor
Harris； the Commission； and from
〃My dear Mr。 Punch's obeajent servant；
〃JEAMES PLUSH。〃
THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF MAJOR GAHAGAN。
CHAPTER I。
〃TRUTH IS STRANGE； STRANGER THAN FICTION。〃
I think it but right that in making my appearance before the public
I should at once acquaint them with my titles and name。 My card；
as I leave it at the houses of the nobility； my friends； is as
follows：
MAJOR GOLIAH O'GRADY GAHAGAN； H。E。I。C。S。；
Commanding Battalion of Irregular Horse；
AHMEDNUGGAR。
Seeing； I say； this simple visiting ticket； the world will avoid
any of those awkward mistakes as to my person； which have been so
frequent of late。 There has been no end to the blunders regarding
this humble title of mine； and the confusion thereby created。 When
I published my volume of poems； for instance； the Morning Post
newspaper remarked 〃that the Lyrics of the Heart； by Miss Gahagan；
may be ranked among the sweetest flowrets of the present spring
season。〃 The Quarterly Review； commenting upon my Observations on
the Pons Asinorum〃 （4to。 London； 1836）； called me 〃Doctor Gahagan；〃
and so on。 It was time to put an end to these mistakes； and I have
taken the above simple remedy。
I was urged to it by a very exalted personage。 Dining in August
last at the palace of the T…lr…es at Paris； the lovely young Duch…ss
of Orlns （who； though she does not speak English； understands
it as well as I do；） said to me in the softest Teutonic； 〃Lieber
Herr Major； haben sie den Ahmednuggarischen…jager…battalion
gelassen？〃 〃Warum denn？〃 said I； quite astonished at her R…l
H…ss's question。 The P…cess then spoke of some trifle from
my pen； which was simply signed Goliah Gahagan。
There was； unluckily； a dead silence as H。 R。 H。 put this question。
〃Comment donc？〃 said H。 M。 Lo…is Ph…l…ppe； looking gravely at Count
Mole； 〃le cher Major a quitte l'armee！ Nicolas donc sera maitre de
l'Inde！ 〃H。 M and the Pr。 M…n…ster pursued their conversation
in a low tone； and left me； as may be imagined in a dreadful state
of confusion。 I blushed and stuttered； and murmured out a few
incoherent words to explainbut it would not doI could not
recover my equanimity during the course of the dinner and while
endeavoring to help an English Duke； my neighbor； to poulet a
l'Austerlitz； fairly sent seven mushrooms and three large greasy
croutes over his whiskers and shirt…frill。 Another laugh at my
expense。 〃Ah！ M。 le Major；〃 said the Q of the B…lgns； archly；
〃vous n'aurez jamais votre brevet de Colonel。〃 Her My's joke
will be better understood when I state that his Grace is the
brother of a Minister。
I am not at liberty to violate the sanctity of private life； by
mentioning the names of the parties concerned in this little
anecdote。 I only wish to have it understood that I am a gentleman；
and live at least in DECENT society。 Verbum sat。
But to be serious。 I am obliged always to write the name of Goliah
in full； to distinguish me from my brother； Gregory Gahagan； who
was also a Major （in the King's service）； and whom I killed in a
duel； as the public most likely knows。 Poor Greg！ a very trivial
dispute was the cause of our quarrel； wh