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Bulcher eat a fricassee of diamonds； or； Cleopatra…like； melt down
pearls to her tea？ Could I； careless as I am about food； with a
stomach that would digest anything（once； in Spain； I ate the leg
of a horse during a famine； and was so eager to swallow this morsel
that I bolted the shoe； as well as the hoof； and never felt the
slightest inconvenience from either；）could I； I say； expect to
live long and well upon a ragout of rupees； or a dish of stewed
emeralds and rubies？ With all the wealth of Croesus before me I
felt melancholy； and would have paid cheerfully its weight in
carats for a good honest round of boiled beef。 Wealth； wealth；
what art thou？ What is gold？Soft metal。 What are diamonds？
Shining tinsel。 The great wealth…winners； the only fame…achievers；
the sole objects worthy of a soldier's consideration； are
beefsteaks； gunpowder； and cold iron。
The two latter means of competency we possessed； I had in my own
apartments a small store of gunpowder （keeping it under my own bed；
with a candle burning for fear of accidents）； I had 14 pieces of
artillery （4 long 48's and 4 carronades； 5 howitzers； and a long
brass mortar； for grape； which I had taken myself at the battle of
Assaye）； and muskets for ten times my force。 My garrison； as I
have told the reader in a previous number； consisted of 40 men； two
chaplains； and a surgeon； add to these my guests； 83 in number； of
whom nine only were gentlemen （in tights； powder； pigtails； and
silk stockings； who had come out merely for a dance； and found
themselves in for a siege）。 Such were our numbers：
Ladies 74
Troops and artillerymen 40
Other non…combatants 11
MAJOR…GEN。 O'G。 GAHAGAN 1000
1；125
I count myself good for a thousand； for so I was regularly rated in
the army： with this great benefit to it； that I only consumed as
much as an ordinary mortal。 We were then； as far as the victuals
went； 126 mouths； as combatants we numbered 1；040 gallant men； with
12 guns and a fort； against Holkar and his 12；000。 No such
alarming odds； if
IF！ay； there was the rubIF we had SHOT； as well as powder for
our guns； IF we had not only MEN but MEAT。 Of the former commodity
we had only three rounds for each piece。 Of the latter； upon my
sacred honor； to feed 126 souls； we had but
Two drumsticks of fowls； and a bone of ham。
Fourteen bottles of ginger…beer。
Of soda…water； four ditto。
Two bottles of fine Spanish olives。
Raspberry creamthe remainder of two dishes。
Seven macaroons； lying in the puddle of a demolished trifle。
Half a drum of best Turkey figs。
Some bits of broken bread； two Dutch cheeses （whole）； the crust
of an old Stilton； and about an ounce of almonds and raisins。
Three ham…sandwiches； and a pot of currant…jelly； and 197 bottles
of brandy； rum； madeira； pale ale （my private stock）； a couple
of hard eggs for a salad； and a flask of Florence oil。
This was the provision for the whole garrison！ The men after
supper had seized upon the relics of the repast； as they were
carried off from the table； and these were the miserable remnants I
found and counted on my return； taking good care to lock the door
of the supper…room； and treasure what little sustenance still
remained in it。
When I appeared in the saloon； now lighted up by the morning sun； I
not only caused a sensation myself； but felt one in my own bosom；
which was of the most painful description。 Oh； my reader！ may you
never behold such a sight as that which presented itself： eighty…
three men and women in ball…dresses； the former with their lank
powdered locks streaming over their faces； the latter with faded
flowers； uncurled wigs； smudged rouge； blear eyes； draggling
feathers； rumpled satinseach more desperately melancholy and
hideous than the othereach； except my beloved Belinda Bulcher；
whose raven ringlets never having been in curl； could of course
never go OUT of curl； whose cheek； pale as the lily； could； as it
may naturally be supposed； grow no paler； whose neck and beauteous
arms； dazzling as alabaster； needed no pearl…powder； and therefore；
as I need not state； did not suffer because the pearl…powder had
come off。 Joy （deft link…boy！） lit his lamps in each of her eyes
as I entered。 As if I had been her sun； her spring； lo！ blushing
roses mantled in her cheek！ Seventy…three ladies； as I entered；
opened their fire upon me； and stunned me with cross…questions；
regarding my adventures in the campSHE； as she saw me； gave a
faint scream； （the sweetest； sure； that ever gurgled through the
throat of a woman！） then started upthen made as if she would sit
downthen moved backwardsthen tottered forwardsthen tumbled
into myPsha！ why recall； why attempt to describe that delicious
that passionate greeting of two young hearts？ What was the
surrounding crowd to US？ What cared we for the sneers of the men；
the titters of the jealous women； the shrill 〃Upon my word！〃 of the
elder Miss Bulcher； and the loud expostulations of Belinda's mamma？
The brave girl loved me； and wept in my arms。 〃Goliah！ my Goliah！〃
said she； 〃my brave； my beautiful； THOU art returned； and hope
comes back with thee。 Oh！ who can tell the anguish of my soul；
during this dreadful； dreadful night！〃 Other similar ejaculations
of love and joy she uttered； and if I HAD perilled life in her
service； if I DID believe that hope of escape there was none； so
exquisite was the moment of our meeting； that I forgot all else in
this overwhelming joy！
。 。 。 。 。 。
＇The Major's description of this meeting； which lasted at the very
most not ten seconds； occupies thirteen pages of writing。 We have
been compelled to dock off twelve and a half； for the whole
passage； though highly creditable to his feelings； might possibly
be tedious to the reader。＇
。 。 。 。 。 。
As I said； the ladies and gentlemen were inclined to sneer； and
were giggling audibly。 I led the dear girl to a chair； and；
scowling round with a tremendous fierceness； which those who know
me know I can sometimes put on； I shouted out； 〃Hark ye men and
womenI am this lady's truest knighther husband I hope one day
to be。 I am commander； too； in this fortthe enemy is without it；
another word of mockeryanother glance of scornand； by heaven； I
will hurl every man and woman from the battlements； a prey to the
ruffianly Holkar！〃 This quieted them。 I am a man of my word； and
none of them stirred or looked disrespectfully from that moment。
It was now MY turn to make THEM look foolish。 Mrs。 Vandegobbleschroy
（whose unfailing appetite is pretty well known to every person who
has been in India） cried； 〃Well； Captain Gahagan； your ball has been
so pleasant； and the supper was despatched so long ago； that myself
and the ladies would be very glad of a little breakfast。〃 And Mrs。
Van giggled as if she had made a very witty and reasonable speech。
〃Oh！ breakfast； breakfast by all means；〃 said the rest； 〃we really
are dying for a warm cup of tea。〃
〃Is it bohay tay or souchong tay that you'd like； ladies？〃 says I。
〃Nonsense； you silly man； any tea you like；〃 said fat Mrs。 Van。
〃What do you say； then； to some prime GUNPOWDER？〃 Of course they
said it was the very thing。
〃And do you like hot rowls or cowldmuffins or crumpetsfresh
butter or salt？ And you； gentlemen； what do you say to some
ilegant divvled…kidneys for yourselves； and just a trifle of
grilled turkeys； and a couple of hundthred new…laid eggs for the
ladies？〃
〃Pooh； pooh！ be it as you will； my dear fellow；〃 answered they all。
〃But stop；〃 says I。 〃O ladies； O ladies： O gentlemen； gentlemen；
that you should ever have come to the quarters of Goliah Gahagan；
and he been without〃
〃What？〃 said they； in a breath。
〃Alas I alas！ I have not got a single stick of chocolate in the
whole house。〃
〃Well； well； we can do without it。〃
〃Or a single pound of coffee。〃
〃Never mind； let that pass too。〃 （Mrs。 Van and the rest were
beginning to look alarmed。）
〃And about the kidneysnow I remember； the black divvles outside
the fort have seized upon all the sheep； and how are we to have
kidneys without them？〃 （Here there was a slight ooo！）
〃And with regard to the milk and crame； it may be remarked that the
cows are likewise in pawn； and not a single drop can be had for
money or love： but we can beat up eggs； you know； in the tay； which
will be just as good。〃
〃Oh！ just as good。〃
〃Only the divvle's in the luck； there's not a fresh egg to be had
no； nor a fresh chicken；〃 continued I； 〃nor a stale one either； nor
a tayspoonful of souchong； nor a thimbleful of bohay； nor the laste
taste in life of butther； salt or fresh； nor hot