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dexterity （for he would kill you off a couple of hundreds of them
of Chalus； whilst the strongest champions of the Kings host could
not finish more than their two dozen of a day）； poisoned the royal
mind against Sir Wilfrid； and made the King look upon his feats of
arms with an evil eye。 Roger de Backbite sneeringly told the King
that Sir Wilfrid had offered to bet an equal bet that he would kill
more men than Richard himself in the next assault： Peter de
Toadhole said that Ivanhoe stated everywhere that his Majesty was
not the man he used to be； that pleasures and drink had enervated
him； that he could neither ride； nor strike a blow with sword or
axe； as he had been enabled to do in the old times in Palestine：
and finally； in the twenty…fifth assault； in which they had very
nearly carried the place； and in which onset Ivanhoe slew seven；
and his Majesty six； of the sons of the Count de Chalus； its
defender； Ivanhoe almost did for himself； by planting his banner
before the King's upon the wall； and only rescued himself from
utter disgrace by saving his Majesty's life several times in the
course of this most desperate onslaught。
Then the luckless knight's very virtues （as； no doubt； my respected
readers know；） made him enemies amongst the mennor was Ivanhoe
liked by the women frequenting the camp of the gay King Richard。
His young Queen； and a brilliant court of ladies； attended the
pleasure…loving monarch。 His Majesty would transact business in
the morning； then fight severely from after breakfast till about
three o'clock in the afternoon； from which time； until after
midnight； there was nothing but jigging and singing； feasting and
revelry； in the royal tents。 Ivanhoe； who was asked as a matter of
ceremony； and forced to attend these entertainments； not caring
about the blandishments of any of the ladies present； looked on at
their ogling and dancing with a countenance as glum as an
undertaker's； and was a perfect wet…blanket in the midst of the
festivities。 His favorite resort and conversation were with a
remarkably austere hermit； who lived in the neighborhood of Chalus；
and with whom Ivanhoe loved to talk about Palestine； and the Jews；
and other grave matters of import； better than to mingle in the
gayest amusements of the court of King Richard。 Many a night； when
the Queen and the ladies were dancing quadrilles and polkas （in
which his Majesty； who was enormously stout as well as tall；
insisted upon figuring； and in which he was about as graceful as an
elephant dancing a hornpipe）； Ivanhoe would steal away from the
ball； and come and have a night's chat under the moon with his
reverend friend。 It pained him to see a man of the King's age and
size dancing about with the young folks。 They laughed at his
Majesty whilst they flattered him： the pages and maids of honor
mimicked the royal mountebank almost to his face； and； if Ivanhoe
ever could have laughed； he certainly would one night when the
King； in light…blue satin inexpressibles； with his hair in powder；
chose to dance the minuet de la cour with the little Queen
Berangeria。
Then； after dancing； his Majesty must needs order a guitar； and
begin to sing。 He was said to compose his own songswords and
musicbut those who have read Lord Campobello's 〃Lives of the Lord
Chancellors〃 are aware that there was a person by the name of
Blondel； who； in fact； did all the musical part of the King's
performances； and as for the words； when a king writes verses； we
may be sure there will be plenty of people to admire his poetry。
His Majesty would sing you a ballad； of which he had stolen every
idea； to an air that was ringing on all the barrel…organs of
Christendom； and； turning round to his courtiers； would say； 〃How
do you like that？ I dashed it off this morning。〃 Or； 〃Blondel；
what do you think of this movement in B flat？〃 or what not； and the
courtiers and Blondel； you may be sure； would applaud with all
their might； like hypocrites as they were。
One eveningit was the evening of the 27th March； 1199； indeed
his Majesty； who was in the musical mood； treated the court with a
quantity of his so…called composition； until the people were fairly
tired of clapping with their hands and laughing in their sleeves。
First he sang an ORIGINAL air and poem； beginning
〃Cherries nice； cherries nice； nice； come choose；
Fresh and fair ones； who'll refuse？〃 &c。
The which he was ready to take his affidavit he had composed the
day before yesterday。 Then he sang an equally ORIGINAL heroic
melody； of which the chorus was
〃Rule Britannia； Britannia rules the sea；
For Britons never； never； never slaves shall be；〃 &c。
The courtiers applauded this song as they did the other； all except
Ivanhoe； who sat without changing a muscle of his features； until
the King questioned him； when the knight； with a bow said 〃he
thought he had heard something very like the air and the words
elsewhere。〃 His Majesty scowled at him a savage glance from under
his red bushy eyebrows； but Ivanhoe had saved the royal life that
day； and the King； therefore； with difficulty controlled his
indignation。
〃Well；〃 said he； 〃by St。 Richard and St。 George； but ye never heard
THIS song； for I composed it this very afternoon as I took my bath
after the melee。 Did I not； Blondel？〃
Blondel； of course； was ready to take an affidavit that his Majesty
had done as he said； and the King； thrumming on his guitar with his
great red fingers and thumbs； began to sing out of tune and as
follows：
〃COMMANDERS OF THE FAITHFUL。
〃The Pope he is a happy man；
His Palace is the Vatican；
And there he sits and drains his can：
The Pope he is a happy man。
I often say when I'm at home；
I'd like to be the Pope of Rome。
〃And then there's Sultan Saladin；
That Turkish Soldan full of sin；
He has a hundred wives at least；
By which his pleasure is increased：
I've often wished； I hope no sin；
That I were Sultan Saladin。
〃But no； the Pope no wife may choose；
And so I would not wear his shoes；
No wine may drink the proud Paynim；
And so I'd rather not be him：
My wife； my wine； I love I hope；
And would be neither Turk nor Pope。〃
〃Encore！ Encore！ Bravo！ Bis！〃 Everybody applauded the King's
song with all his might： everybody except Ivanhoe； who preserved
his abominable gravity： and when asked aloud by Roger de Backbite
whether he had heard that too； said firmly； 〃Yes； Roger de
Backbite； and so hast thou if thou darest but tell the truth。〃
〃Now； by St。 Cicely； may I never touch gittern again；〃 bawled the
King in a fury； 〃if every note； word； and thought be not mine； may
I die in to…morrow's onslaught if the song be not my song。 Sing
thyself； Wilfrid of the Lanthorn Jaws； thou could'st sing a good
song in old times。〃 And with all his might； and with a forced
laugh； the King； who loved brutal practical jests； flung his guitar
at the head of Ivanhoe。
Sir Wilfrid caught it gracefully with one hand； and making an
elegant bow to the sovereign； began to chant as follows：
〃KING CANUTE。
〃King Canute was weary…hearted； he had reigned for years a score；
Battling； struggling； pushing； fighting； killing much and robbing
more；
And he thought upon his actions； walking by the wild sea…shore。
〃'Twixt the Chancellor and Bishop walked the King with steps sedate；
Chamberlains and grooms came after； silversticks and goldsticks
great；
Chaplains； aides…de…camp； and pages；all the officers of state。
〃Sliding after like his shadow； pausing when he chose to pause；
If a frown his face contracted； straight the courtiers dropped their
jaws；
If to laugh the King was minded； out they burst in loud hee…haws。
〃But that day a something vexed him； that was clear to old and
young：
Thrice his Grace had yawned at table； when his favorite gleemen
sung；
Once the Queen would have consoled him； but he bade her hold her
tongue。
〃'Something ails my gracious master；' cried the Keeper of the Seal。
'Sure； my lord； it is the lampreys served at dinner； or the veal？'
'Psha！' exclaimed the angry monarch。 'Keeper； 'tis not that I feel。
〃''Tis the HEART； and not the dinner； fool； that doth my rest impair：
Can a King be great as I am； prithee； and yet know no care？
Oh； I'm sick； and tired； and weary。'Some one cried； 'The King's
arm…chair？'
〃Then towards the lackeys turning； quick my Lord the Keeper nodded；
Straight the King's great chair was brought him； by two footmen
able…bodied；
Languidly he sank into it： it was comfortably wadded。
〃'Leading on my fierce companions；' cried be； 'over storm and brine；
I have fought and I have conquered！ Where was glory like to mine？'
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