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We expected great things of the Occidental。 Of course it could not get
along without an original novel； and so we made arrangements to hurl into
the work the full strength of the company。 Mrs。 F。 was an able romancist
of the ineffable schoolI know no other name to apply to a school whose
heroes are all dainty and all perfect。 She wrote the opening chapter；
and introduced a lovely blonde simpleton who talked nothing but pearls
and poetry and who was virtuous to the verge of eccentricity。 She also
introduced a young French Duke of aggravated refinement； in love with the
blonde。 Mr。 F。 followed next week； with a brilliant lawyer who set about
getting the Duke's estates into trouble； and a sparkling young lady of
high society who fell to fascinating the Duke and impairing the appetite
of the blonde。 Mr。 D。； a dark and bloody editor of one of the dailies；
followed Mr。 F。； the third week； introducing a mysterious Roscicrucian
who transmuted metals； held consultations with the devil in a cave at
dead of night； and cast the horoscope of the several heroes and heroines
in such a way as to provide plenty of trouble for their future careers
and breed a solemn and awful public interest in the novel。 He also
introduced a cloaked and masked melodramatic miscreant； put him on a
salary and set him on the midnight track of the Duke with a poisoned
dagger。 He also created an Irish coachman with a rich brogue and placed
him in the service of the society…young…lady with an ulterior mission to
carry billet…doux to the Duke。
About this time there arrived in Virginia a dissolute stranger with a
literary turn of mindrather seedy he was； but very quiet and
unassuming； almost diffident； indeed。 He was so gentle； and his manners
were so pleasing and kindly； whether he was sober or intoxicated； that he
made friends of all who came in contact with him。 He applied for
literary work； offered conclusive evidence that he wielded an easy and
practiced pen； and so Mr。 F。 engaged him at once to help write the novel。
His chapter was to follow Mr。 D。's； and mine was to come next。 Now what
does this fellow do but go off and get drunk and then proceed to his
quarters and set to work with his imagination in a state of chaos； and
that chaos in a condition of extravagant activity。 The result may be
guessed。 He scanned the chapters of his predecessors； found plenty of
heroes and heroines already created； and was satisfied with them； he
decided to introduce no more； with all the confidence that whisky
inspires and all the easy complacency it gives to its servant； he then
launched himself lovingly into his work： he married the coachman to the
society…young…lady for the sake of the scandal； married the Duke to the
blonde's stepmother； for the sake of the sensation； stopped the
desperado's salary； created a misunderstanding between the devil and the
Roscicrucian； threw the Duke's property into the wicked lawyer's hands；
made the lawyer's upbraiding conscience drive him to drink； thence to
delirium tremens； thence to suicide； broke the coachman's neck； let his
widow succumb to contumely； neglect； poverty and consumption； caused the
blonde to drown herself； leaving her clothes on the bank with the
customary note pinned to them forgiving the Duke and hoping he would be
happy； revealed to the Duke； by means of the usual strawberry mark on
left arm； that he had married his own long…lost mother and destroyed his
long…lost sister； instituted the proper and necessary suicide of the Duke
and the Duchess in order to compass poetical justice； opened the earth
and let the Roscicrucian through； accompanied with the accustomed smoke
and thunder and smell of brimstone； and finished with the promise that in
the next chapter； after holding a general inquest； he would take up the
surviving character of the novel and tell what became of the devil！
It read with singular smoothness； and with a 〃dead〃 earnestness that was
funny enough to suffocate a body。 But there was war when it came in。
The other novelists were furious。 The mild stranger； not yet more than
half sober； stood there； under a scathing fire of vituperation； meek and
bewildered； looking from one to another of his assailants； and wondering
what he could have done to invoke such a storm。 When a lull came at
last； he said his say gently and appealinglysaid he did not rightly
remember what he had written； but was sure he had tried to do the best he
could； and knew his object had been to make the novel not only pleasant
and plausible but instructive and
The bombardment began again。 The novelists assailed his ill…chosen
adjectives and demolished them with a storm of denunciation and ridicule。
And so the siege went on。 Every time the stranger tried to appease the
enemy he only made matters worse。 Finally he offered to rewrite the
chapter。 This arrested hostilities。 The indignation gradually quieted
down； peace reigned again and the sufferer retired in safety and got him
to his own citadel。
But on the way thither the evil angel tempted him and he got drunk again。
And again his imagination went mad。 He led the heroes and heroines a
wilder dance than ever； and yet all through it ran that same convincing
air of honesty and earnestness that had marked his first work。 He got
the characters into the most extraordinary situations； put them through
the most surprising performances； and made them talk the strangest talk！
But the chapter cannot be described。 It was symmetrically crazy； it was
artistically absurd； and it had explanatory footnotes that were fully as
curious as the text。 I remember one of the 〃situations；〃 and will offer
it as an example of the whole。 He altered the character of the brilliant
lawyer； and made him a great…hearted； splendid fellow； gave him fame and
riches； and set his age at thirty…three years。 Then he made the blonde
discover； through the help of the Roscicrucian and the melodramatic
miscreant； that while the Duke loved her money ardently and wanted it； he
secretly felt a sort of leaning toward the society…young…lady。 Stung to
the quick； she tore her affections from him and bestowed them with
tenfold power upon the lawyer； who responded with consuming zeal。 But
the parents would none of it。 What they wanted in the family was a Duke；
and a Duke they were determined to have； though they confessed that next
to the Duke the lawyer had their preference。 Necessarily the blonde now
went into a decline。 The parents were alarmed。 They pleaded with her to
marry the Duke； but she steadfastly refused； and pined on。 Then they
laid a plan。 They told her to wait a year and a day； and if at the end
of that time she still felt that she could not marry the Duke； she might
marry the lawyer with their full consent。 The result was as they had
foreseen： gladness came again； and the flush of returning health。 Then
the parents took the next step in their scheme。 They had the family
physician recommend a long sea voyage and much land travel for the
thorough restoration of the blonde's strength； and they invited the Duke
to be of the party。 They judged that the Duke's constant presence and
the lawyer's protracted absence would do the restfor they did not
invite the lawyer。
So they set sail in a steamer for Americaand the third day out； when
their sea…sickness called truce and permitted them to take their first
meal at the public table； behold there sat the lawyer！ The Duke and
party made the best of an awkward situation； the voyage progressed； and
the vessel neared America。
But； by and by； two hundred miles off New Bedford； the ship took fire；
she burned to the water's edge； of all her crew and passengers； only
thirty were saved。 They floated about the sea half an afternoon and all
night long。 Among them were our friends。 The lawyer； by superhuman
exertions； had saved the blonde and her parents； swimming back and forth
two hundred yards and bringing one each time（the girl first）。 The Duke
had saved himself。 In the morning two whale ships arrived on the scene
and sent their boats。 The weather was stormy and the embarkation was
attended with much confusion and excitement。 The lawyer did his duty
like a man； helped his exhausted and insensible blonde； her parents and
some others into a boat （the Duke helped himself in）； then a child fell
overboard at the other end of the raft and the lawyer rushed thither and
helped half a dozen people fish it out； under the stimulus of its
mother's screams。 Then he ran backa few seconds too latethe blonde's
boat was under way。 So he had to take the other boat； and go to the
other ship。 The storm increased and drove the vessels out of sight of
each otherdrove them whither it would。
When it calmed； at the end of three days； the blonde's ship was seven
hundred miles north of Boston and the other about seven hundred south of
that port。 The blonde's captain was bound on a whaling cruise in the
North Atlantic and could not go back such a distance or make a port
without orders； such being nautical law。 The lawyer's captain was to
cruise in the North Pacific； and he could not go back or make a port
without orders。 All the lawyer's money