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other days were Sundays too。
I was home again； in San Francisco； without means and without employment。
I tortured my brain for a saving scheme of some kind； and at last a
public lecture occurred to me！ I sat down and wrote one； in a fever of
hopeful anticipation。 I showed it to several friends； but they all shook
their heads。 They said nobody would come to hear me； and I would make a
humiliating failure of it。
They said that as I had never spoken in public； I would break down in the
delivery； anyhow。 I was disconsolate now。 But at last an editor slapped
me on the back and told me to 〃go ahead。〃 He said； 〃Take the largest
house in town； and charge a dollar a ticket。〃 The audacity of the
proposition was charming； it seemed fraught with practical worldly
wisdom； however。 The proprietor of the several theatres endorsed the
advice； and said I might have his handsome new opera…house at half price
fifty dollars。 In sheer desperation I took iton credit； for
sufficient reasons。 In three days I did a hundred and fifty dollars'
worth of printing and advertising； and was the most distressed and
frightened creature on the Pacific coast。 I could not sleepwho could；
under such circumstances？ For other people there was facetiousness in
the last line of my posters； but to me it was plaintive with a pang when
I wrote it：
〃Doors open at 7 1/2。 The trouble will begin at 8。〃
That line has done good service since。 Showmen have borrowed it
frequently。 I have even seen it appended to a newspaper advertisement
reminding school pupils in vacation what time next term would begin。 As
those three days of suspense dragged by； I grew more and more unhappy。
I had sold two hundred tickets among my personal friends； but I feared
they might not come。 My lecture； which had seemed 〃humorous〃 to me； at
first； grew steadily more and more dreary； till not a vestige of fun
seemed left； and I grieved that I could not bring a coffin on the stage
and turn the thing into a funeral。 I was so panic…stricken； at last；
that I went to three old friends； giants in stature； cordial by nature；
and stormy…voiced； and said：
〃This thing is going to be a failure； the jokes in it are so dim that
nobody will ever see them； I would like to have you sit in the parquette；
and help me through。〃
They said they would。 Then I went to the wife of a popular citizen； and
said that if she was willing to do me a very great kindness； I would be
glad if she and her husband would sit prominently in the left…hand stage…
box； where the whole house could see them。 I explained that I should
need help； and would turn toward her and smile； as a signal； when I had
been delivered of an obscure joke〃and then；〃 I added； 〃don't wait to
investigate； but respond！〃
She promised。 Down the street I met a man I never had seen before。 He
had been drinking； and was beaming with smiles and good nature。 He said：
〃My name's Sawyer。 You don't know me； but that don't matter。 I haven't
got a cent； but if you knew how bad I wanted to laugh； you'd give me a
ticket。 Come； now； what do you say？〃
〃Is your laugh hung on a hair…trigger？that is； is it critical； or can
you get it off easy？〃
My drawling infirmity of speech so affected him that he laughed a
specimen or two that struck me as being about the article I wanted； and I
gave him a ticket； and appointed him to sit in the second circle； in the
centre； and be responsible for that division of the house。 I gave him
minute instructions about how to detect indistinct jokes； and then went
away； and left him chuckling placidly over the novelty of the idea。
I ate nothing on the last of the three eventful daysI only suffered。
I had advertised that on this third day the box…office would be opened
for the sale of reserved seats。 I crept down to the theater at four in
the afternoon to see if any sales had been made。 The ticket seller was
gone； the box…office was locked up。 I had to swallow suddenly； or my
heart would have got out。 〃No sales；〃 I said to myself； 〃I might have
known it。〃 I thought of suicide； pretended illness； flight。 I thought
of these things in earnest； for I was very miserable and scared。 But of
course I had to drive them away； and prepare to meet my fate。 I could
not wait for half…past sevenI wanted to face the horror； and end it
the feeling of many a man doomed to hang； no doubt。 I went down back
streets at six o'clock； and entered the theatre by the back door。
I stumbled my way in the dark among the ranks of canvas scenery； and
stood on the stage。 The house was gloomy and silent； and its emptiness
depressing。 I went into the dark among the scenes again； and for an hour
and a half gave myself up to the horrors； wholly unconscious of
everything else。 Then I heard a murmur； it rose higher and higher； and
ended in a crash； mingled with cheers。 It made my hair raise； it was so
close to me； and so loud。
There was a pause； and then another； presently came a third； and before I
well knew what I was about； I was in the middle of the stage； staring at
a sea of faces； bewildered by the fierce glare of the lights； and quaking
in every limb with a terror that seemed like to take my life away。 The
house was full； aisles and all！
The tummult in my heart and brain and legs continued a full minute before
I could gain any command over myself。 Then I recognized the charity and
the friendliness in the faces before me； and little by little my fright
melted away； and I began to talk Within three or four minutes I was
comfortable； and even content。 My three chief allies； with three
auxiliaries； were on hand； in the parquette； all sitting together； all
armed with bludgeons； and all ready to make an onslaught upon the
feeblest joke that might show its head。 And whenever a joke did fall；
their bludgeons came down and their faces seemed to split from ear to
ear。
Sawyer； whose hearty countenance was seen looming redly in the centre of
the second circle； took it up； and the house was carried handsomely。
Inferior jokes never fared so royally before。 Presently I delivered a
bit of serious matter with impressive unction （it was my pet）； and the
audience listened with an absorbed hush that gratified me more than any
applause； and as I dropped the last word of the clause； I happened to
turn and catch Mrs。's intent and waiting eye； my conversation with her
flashed upon me； and in spite of all I could do I smiled。 She took it
for the signal； and promptly delivered a mellow laugh that touched off
the whole audience； and the explosion that followed was the triumph of
the evening。 I thought that that honest man Sawyer would choke himself；
and as for the bludgeons； they performed like pile…drivers。 But my poor
little morsel of pathos was ruined。 It was taken in good faith as an
intentional joke； and the prize one of the entertainment； and I wisely
let it go at that。
All the papers were kind in the morning； my appetite returned； I had a
abundance of money。 All's well that ends well。
CHAPTER LXXIX。
I launched out as a lecturer； now； with great boldness。 I had the field
all to myself； for public lectures were almost an unknown commodity in
the Pacific market。 They are not so rare； now； I suppose。 I took an old
personal friend along to play agent for me； and for two or three weeks we
roamed through Nevada and California and had a very cheerful time of it。
Two days before I lectured in Virginia City； two stagecoaches were robbed
within two miles of the town。 The daring act was committed just at dawn；
by six masked men； who sprang up alongside the coaches； presented
revolvers at the heads of the drivers and passengers； and commanded a
general dismount。 Everybody climbed down； and the robbers took their
watches and every cent they had。 Then they took gunpowder and blew up
the express specie boxes and got their contents。 The leader of the
robbers was a small； quick…spoken man； and the fame of his vigorous
manner and his intrepidity was in everybody's mouth when we arrived。
The night after instructing Virginia； I walked over the desolate 〃divide〃
and down to Gold Hill； and lectured there。 The lecture done； I stopped
to talk with a friend； and did not start back till eleven。 The 〃divide〃
was high； unoccupied ground； between the towns； the scene of twenty
midnight murders and a hundred robberies。 As we climbed up and stepped
out on this eminence； the Gold Hill lights dropped out of sight at our
backs； and the night closed down gloomy and dismal。 A sharp wind swept
the place； too； and chilled our perspiring bodies through。
〃I tell you I don't like this place at night；〃 said Mike the agent。
〃Well； don't speak so loud；〃 I said。 〃You needn't remind anybody that we
are here。〃
Just then a dim figure approached me from the direction of Virginiaa
man； evidently。 He came straight at me； and I stepped aside to let him
pass； he stepped in the way and confronted me again。 Then I saw that he
had a mask on and was holding something in my faceI heard a click…click
and recognized a revolver in dim outline。 I pushed the barrel aside with
my hand and said：
〃Don't！〃
He ejaculated sharp