按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
his views to you。 And you follow each other round and round； swearing at
one another； until the tent tumbles down in a heap； and leaves you
looking at each other across its ruins； when you both indignantly
exclaim； in the same breath：
〃There you are！ what did I tell you？〃
Meanwhile the third man； who has been baling out the boat； and who has
spilled the water down his sleeve； and has been cursing away to himself
steadily for the last ten minutes； wants to know what the thundering
blazes you're playing at； and why the blarmed tent isn't up yet。
At last； somehow or other； it does get up； and you land the things。 It
is hopeless attempting to make a wood fire； so you light the methylated
spirit stove； and crowd round that。
Rainwater is the chief article of diet at supper。 The bread is two…
thirds rainwater； the beefsteak…pie is exceedingly rich in it； and the
jam； and the butter； and the salt； and the coffee have all combined with
it to make soup。
After supper； you find your tobacco is damp； and you cannot smoke。
Luckily you have a bottle of the stuff that cheers and inebriates； if
taken in proper quantity； and this restores to you sufficient interest in
life to induce you to go to bed。
There you dream that an elephant has suddenly sat down on your chest； and
that the volcano has exploded and thrown you down to the bottom of the
sea … the elephant still sleeping peacefully on your bosom。 You wake up
and grasp the idea that something terrible really has happened。 Your
first impression is that the end of the world has come； and then you
think that this cannot be； and that it is thieves and murderers； or else
fire； and this opinion you express in the usual method。 No help comes；
however； and all you know is that thousands of people are kicking you；
and you are being smothered。
Somebody else seems in trouble； too。 You can hear his faint cries coming
from underneath your bed。 Determining； at all events； to sell your life
dearly； you struggle frantically； hitting out right and left with arms
and legs； and yelling lustily the while； and at last something gives way；
and you find your head in the fresh air。 Two feet off； you dimly observe
a half…dressed ruffian； waiting to kill you； and you are preparing for a
life…and…death struggle with him； when it begins to dawn upon you that
it's Jim。
〃Oh； it's you； is it？〃 he says； recognising you at the same moment。
〃Yes；〃 you answer； rubbing your eyes； 〃what's happened？〃
〃Bally tent's blown down； I think；〃 he says。
〃Where's Bill？〃
Then you both raise up your voices and shout for 〃Bill！〃 and the ground
beneath you heaves and rocks； and the muffled voice that you heard before
replies from out the ruin：
〃Get off my head； can't you？〃
And Bill struggles out； a muddy； trampled wreck； and in an unnecessarily
aggressive mood … he being under the evident belief that the whole thing
has been done on purpose。
In the morning you are all three speechless； owing to having caught
severe colds in the night； you also feel very quarrelsome； and you swear
at each other in hoarse whispers during the whole of breakfast time。
We therefore decided that we would sleep out on fine nights； and hotel
it； and inn it； and pub。 it； like respectable folks； when it was wet； or
when we felt inclined for a change。
Montmorency hailed this compromise with much approval。 He does not revel
in romantic solitude。 Give him something noisy； and if a trifle low； so
much the jollier。 To look at Montmorency you would imagine that he was
an angel sent upon the earth； for some reason withheld from mankind； in
the shape of a small fox…terrier。 There is a sort of Oh…what…a…wicked…
world…this…is…and…how…I…wish…I…could…do…something…to…make…it…better…and…
nobler expression about Montmorency that has been known to bring the
tears into the eyes of pious old ladies and gentlemen。
When first he came to live at my expense； I never thought I should be
able to get him to stop long。 I used to sit down and look at him； as he
sat on the rug and looked up at me； and think： 〃Oh； that dog will never
live。 He will be snatched up to the bright skies in a chariot； that is
what will happen to him。〃
But； when I had paid for about a dozen chickens that he had killed； and
had dragged him； growling and kicking； by the scruff of his neck； out of
a hundred and fourteen street fights； and had had a dead cat brought
round for my inspection by an irate female； who called me a murderer； and
had been summoned by the man next door but one for having a ferocious dog
at large； that had kept him pinned up in his own tool…shed； afraid to
venture his nose outside the door for over two hours on a cold night； and
had learned that the gardener； unknown to myself； had won thirty
shillings by backing him to kill rats against time； then I began to think
that maybe they'd let him remain on earth for a bit longer； after all。
To hang about a stable； and collect a gang of the most disreputable dogs
to be found in the town； and lead them out to march round the slums to
fight other disreputable dogs； is Montmorency's idea of 〃life；〃 and so；
as I before observed； he gave to the suggestion of inns； and pubs。； and
hotels his most emphatic approbation。
Having thus settled the sleeping arrangements to the satisfaction of all
four of us； the only thing left to discuss was what we should take with
us； and this we had begun to argue； when Harris said he'd had enough
oratory for one night； and proposed that we should go out and have a
smile； saying that he had found a place； round by the square； where you
could really get a drop of Irish worth drinking。
George said he felt thirsty （I never knew George when he didn't）； and； as
I had a presentiment that a little whisky； warm； with a slice of lemon；
would do my complaint good； the debate was； by common assent； adjourned
to the following night； and the assembly put on its hats and went out。
CHAPTER III。
ARRANGEMENTS SETTLED。 … HARRIS'S METHOD OF DOING WORK。 … HOW THE ELDERLY；
FAMILY…MAN PUTS UP A PICTURE。 … GEORGE MAKES A SENSIBLE； REMARK。 …
DELIGHTS OF EARLY MORNING BATHING。 … PROVISIONS FOR GETTING UPSET。
SO； on the following evening； we again assembled； to discuss and arrange
our plans。 Harris said：
〃Now； the first thing to settle is what to take with us。 Now； you get a
bit of paper and write down； J。； and you get the grocery catalogue；
George； and somebody give me a bit of pencil； and then I'll make out a
list。〃
That's Harris all over … so ready to take the burden of everything
himself； and put it on the backs of other people。
He always reminds me of my poor Uncle Podger。 You never saw such a
commotion up and down a house； in all your life； as when my Uncle Podger
undertook to do a job。 A picture would have come home from the frame…
maker's； and be standing in the dining…room； waiting to be put up； and
Aunt Podger would ask what was to be done with it； and Uncle Podger would
say：
〃Oh； you leave that to ME。 Don't you； any of you； worry yourselves about
that。 I'LL do all that。〃
And then he would take off his coat； and begin。 He would send the girl
out for sixpen'orth of nails； and then one of the boys after her to tell
her what size to get； and； from that； he would gradually work down； and
start the whole house。
〃Now you go and get me my hammer； Will；〃 he would shout； 〃and you bring
me the rule； Tom； and I shall want the step…ladder； and I had better have
a kitchen…chair； too； and； Jim！ you run round to Mr。 Goggles； and tell
him； ‘Pa's kind regards； and hopes his leg's better； and will he lend him
his spirit…level？' And don't you go； Maria； because I shall want
somebody to hold me the light； and when the girl comes back； she must go
out again for a bit of picture…cord； and Tom！ … where's Tom？ … Tom； you
come here； I shall want you to hand me up the picture。〃
And then he would lift up the picture； and drop it； and it would come out
of the frame； and he would try to save the glass； and cut himself； and
then he would spring round the room； looking for his handkerchief。 He
could not find his handkerchief； because it was in the pocket of the coat
he had taken off； and he did not know where he had put the coat； and all
the house had to leave off looking for his tools； and start looking for
his coat； while he would dance round and hinder them。
〃Doesn't anybody in the whole house know where my coat is？ I never came
across such a set in all my life … upon my word I didn't。 Six of you！ …
and you can't find a coat that I put down not five minutes ago！ Well； of
all the … 〃
Then he'd get up； and find that he had been sitting on it； and would call
out：
〃Oh； you can give it up！ I've found it myself