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moment； and then come down and have my breakfast。 Once or twice virtue
has triumphed； and I have got out at six and half…dressed myself； and
have taken my drawers and towel； and stumbled dismally off。 But I
haven't enjoyed it。 They seem to keep a specially cutting east wind；
waiting for me； when I go to bathe in the early morning； and they pick
out all the three…cornered stones； and put them on the top； and they
sharpen up the rocks and cover the points over with a bit of sand so that
I can't see them； and they take the sea and put it two miles out； so that
I have to huddle myself up in my arms and hop； shivering； through six
inches of water。 And when I do get to the sea； it is rough and quite
insulting。
One huge wave catches me up and chucks me in a sitting posture； as hard
as ever it can； down on to a rock which has been put there for me。 And；
before I've said 〃Oh！ Ugh！〃 and found out what has gone； the wave comes
back and carries me out to mid…ocean。 I begin to strike out frantically
for the shore； and wonder if I shall ever see home and friends again； and
wish I'd been kinder to my little sister when a boy （when I was a boy； I
mean）。 Just when I have given up all hope； a wave retires and leaves me
sprawling like a star…fish on the sand； and I get up and look back and
find that I've been swimming for my life in two feet of water。 I hop
back and dress； and crawl home； where I have to pretend I liked it。
In the present instance； we all talked as if we were going to have a long
swim every morning。
George said it was so pleasant to wake up in the boat in the fresh
morning； and plunge into the limpid river。 Harris said there was nothing
like a swim before breakfast to give you an appetite。 He said it always
gave him an appetite。 George said that if it was going to make Harris
eat more than Harris ordinarily ate； then he should protest against
Harris having a bath at all。
He said there would be quite enough hard work in towing sufficient food
for Harris up against stream； as it was。
I urged upon George； however； how much pleasanter it would be to have
Harris clean and fresh about the boat； even if we did have to take a few
more hundredweight of provisions； and he got to see it in my light； and
withdrew his opposition to Harris's bath。
Agreed； finally； that we should take THREE bath towels； so as not to keep
each other waiting。
For clothes； George said two suits of flannel would be sufficient； as we
could wash them ourselves； in the river； when they got dirty。 We asked
him if he had ever tried washing flannels in the river； and he replied：
〃No； not exactly himself like； but he knew some fellows who had； and it
was easy enough；〃 and Harris and I were weak enough to fancy he knew what
he was talking about； and that three respectable young men； without
position or influence； and with no experience in washing； could really
clean their own shirts and trousers in the river Thames with a bit of
soap。
We were to learn in the days to come； when it was too late； that George
was a miserable impostor； who could evidently have known nothing whatever
about the matter。 If you had seen these clothes after … but； as the
shilling shockers say； we anticipate。
George impressed upon us to take a change of under…things and plenty of
socks； in case we got upset and wanted a change； also plenty of
handkerchiefs； as they would do to wipe things； and a pair of leather
boots as well as our boating shoes； as we should want them if we got
upset。
CHAPTER IV。
THE FOOD QUESTION。 … OBJECTIONS TO PARAFFINE OIL AS AN ATMOSPHERE。 …
ADVANTAGES OF CHEESE AS A TRAVELLING COMPANION。 … A MARRIED WOMAN DESERTS
HER HOME。 … FURTHER PROVISION FOR GETTING UPSET。 … I PACK。 … CUSSEDNESS
OF TOOTH…BRUSHES。 … GEORGE AND HARRIS PACK。 … AWFUL BEHAVIOUR OF
MONTMORENCY。 … WE RETIRE TO REST。
THEN we discussed the food question。 George said：
〃Begin with breakfast。〃 （George is so practical。） 〃Now for breakfast we
shall want a frying…pan〃 … （Harris said it was indigestible； but we
merely urged him not to be an ass； and George went on） … 〃a tea…pot and a
kettle； and a methylated spirit stove。〃
〃No oil；〃 said George； with a significant look； and Harris and I agreed。
We had taken up an oil…stove once； but 〃never again。〃 It had been like
living in an oil…shop that week。 It oozed。 I never saw such a thing as
paraffine oil is to ooze。 We kept it in the nose of the boat； and； from
there； it oozed down to the rudder； impregnating the whole boat and
everything in it on its way； and it oozed over the river； and saturated
the scenery and spoilt the atmosphere。 Sometimes a westerly oily wind
blew； and at other times an easterly oily wind； and sometimes it blew a
northerly oily wind； and maybe a southerly oily wind； but whether it came
from the Arctic snows； or was raised in the waste of the desert sands； it
came alike to us laden with the fragrance of paraffine oil。
And that oil oozed up and ruined the sunset； and as for the moonbeams；
they positively reeked of paraffine。
We tried to get away from it at Marlow。 We left the boat by the bridge；
and took a walk through the town to escape it； but it followed us。 The
whole town was full of oil。 We passed through the church…yard； and it
seemed as if the people had been buried in oil。 The High Street stunk of
oil； we wondered how people could live in it。 And we walked miles upon
miles out Birmingham way； but it was no use； the country was steeped in
oil。
At the end of that trip we met together at midnight in a lonely field；
under a blasted oak； and took an awful oath （we had been swearing for a
whole week about the thing in an ordinary； middle…class way； but this was
a swell affair） … an awful oath never to take paraffine oil with us in a
boat again…except； of course； in case of sickness。
Therefore； in the present instance； we confined ourselves to methylated
spirit。 Even that is bad enough。 You get methylated pie and methylated
cake。 But methylated spirit is more wholesome when taken into the system
in large quantities than paraffine oil。
For other breakfast things； George suggested eggs and bacon； which were
easy to cook； cold meat； tea； bread and butter； and jam。 For lunch； he
said； we could have biscuits； cold meat； bread and butter； and jam … but
NO CHEESE。 Cheese； like oil； makes too much of itself。 It wants the
whole boat to itself。 It goes through the hamper； and gives a cheesy
flavour to everything else there。 You can't tell whether you are eating
apple…pie or German sausage； or strawberries and cream。 It all seems
cheese。 There is too much odour about cheese。
I remember a friend of mine； buying a couple of cheeses at Liverpool。
Splendid cheeses they were； ripe and mellow； and with a two hundred
horse…power scent about them that might have been warranted to carry
three miles； and knock a man over at two hundred yards。 I was in
Liverpool at the time； and my friend said that if I didn't mind he would
get me to take them back with me to London； as he should not be coming up
for a day or two himself； and he did not think the cheeses ought to be
kept much longer。
〃Oh； with pleasure； dear boy；〃 I replied； 〃with pleasure。〃
I called for the cheeses； and took them away in a cab。 It was a
ramshackle affair； dragged along by a knock…kneed； broken…winded
somnambulist； which his owner； in a moment of enthusiasm； during
conversation； referred to as a horse。 I put the cheeses on the top； and
we started off at a shamble that would have done credit to the swiftest
steam…roller ever built； and all went merry as a funeral bell； until we
turned the corner。 There； the wind carried a whiff from the cheeses full
on to our steed。 It woke him up； and； with a snort of terror； he dashed
off at three miles an hour。 The wind still blew in his direction； and
before we reached the end of the street he was laying himself out at the
rate of nearly four miles an hour； leaving the cripples and stout old
ladies simply nowhere。
It took two porters as well as the driver to hold him in at the station；
and I do not think they would have done it； even then； had not one of the
men had the presence of mind to put a handkerchief over his nose； and to
light a bit of brown paper。
I took my ticket； and marched proudly up the platform； with my cheeses；
the people falling back respectfully on either side。 The train was
crowded； and I had to get into a carriage where there were already seven
other people。 One crusty old gentleman objected； but I got in；
notwithstanding； and； putting my cheeses upon the rack； squeezed down
with a pleasant smile； and said it was a warm day。
A few moments passed； and then the old gentleman began to fidget。
〃