按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
admired and praised for this。 And since it is the great goddess
Talebearer who has contributed especially to our success； inasmuch
as where she is not strife will cease as surely as the fire goeth
out when there is no wood to feed it； we will erect an altar to her
and perform monthly rites at her shrine in a manner hereafter to be
detailed。 And all men shall do homage to her； for who is there that
hath not felt her benefits？ And the rites shall be of a cheerful
character； and all the world shall be right merry； and we will write
her a hymn and Walmisley ｛4｝ shall set it to music。 And any shall
be eligible to this society by only changing his name； for this is
one of its happiest hits； to give a name to each of its members
arising from some mental peculiarity （which the gods and peacemakers
call 〃foible〃）； whereby each being perpetually kept in mind of this
defect and being always willing to justify it shall raise a clamour
and cause much delight to the assembly。
And we will have suppers once a month both to do honour unto
Talebearer and to promote her interest。 And the society has laid
down a form of conversation to be used at all such meetings； which
shall engender quarrellings even in the most unfavourable
dispositions； and inflame the anger of one and all； and having
raised it shall set it going and start it on so firm a basis as that
it may be left safely to work its own way； for there shall be no
fear of its dying out。
And the great key to this admirable treasure…house is Self； who hath
two beautiful children； Self…Love and Self…Pride 。 。 。 We have also
aided our project much by the following contrivance； namely； that
ten of the society； the same who have the longest tongues and ears；
shall make a quorum to manage all affairs connected with it； and it
is difficult to comprehend the amount of quarrelling that shall go
on at these meetings。
And the monthly suppers shall be ordered in this way： Each man must
take at least two tablespoonfuls of vinegar； which shall make the
wit sharp； or in default thereof one teaspoonful of pepper and
mustard； for the rest we leave the diet to the management of our
stewards and bursars； but after the cloth has been removed the
president shall single out some one of the company； and in a calm
and friendly manner acquaint him with his faults and advise him in
what way he may best amend the same。 The member selected is
compelled by the rules to remain silent for the space of three
minutes； and is then to retort and bring up six instances。 He is to
call the present members to witness； and all are to take one side or
the other； so that none be neutral； and the melee will doubtless
become general； and we expect that much beautiful latent abusive
talent will be developed in this way。 But let all this be done with
an air of great politeness； sincerity； and goodwill； at least at the
commencement； for this； when evidently fictitious； is a two…edged
sword of irritation。
And if any grow weak in spirit and retreat from this society； and
afterwards repent and wish again to join； he shall be permitted to
do so on condition of repeating the words； 〃Oh； ah！〃 〃Lor！〃 〃Such
is life；〃 〃That's cheerful；〃 〃He's a lively man； is Mr。 So…and…so〃
ten times over。 For these are refreshing and beautiful words and
mean much （！）； they are the emblems of such talent。
And any members are at liberty to have small meetings among
themselves； especially to tea； whereat they may enjoy the ever fresh
and pleasant luxury of scandal and mischief…making； and prepare
their accusations and taunts for the next general meeting； and this
is not only permitted but enjoined and recommended strongly to all
the members。
And sentences shall be written for the training of any young hand
who wishes to become one of us； since none can hope to arrive at
once at the pitch of perfection to which the society has brought the
art。 And if that any should be heard of his own free will and
invention uttering one or more of these sentences and by these means
indicate much talent in the required direction； he shall be waited
on by a committee of the club and induced； if possible； to join us；
for he will be an acquisition； and the sentences required are such
as： 〃I think so…and…so a very jolly fellow； indeed I don't know a
man in the college I like better than so…and…so； but I don't care
twopence about him； at least it is all the same to me whether he
cuts me or not。〃
The beauty of this sentence is not at first appreciable； for though
self…deceit and self…satisfaction are both very powerfully
demonstrated in it； and though these are some of the society's most
vehement supporters； yet it is the good goddess Talebearer who
nourisheth the seed of mischief thus sown。
It is also strictly forbidden by this society's laws to form a firm
friendship grounded upon esteem and a perception of great and good
qualities in the object of one's liking； for this kind of friendship
lasts a long timenay； for life； but each member must have a
furious and passionate running after his friend for the time being；
insomuch that he could never part for an instant from him。 And when
the society sees this it feels comfortable； for it is quite certain
that its objects are being promoted； for this cannot be brought
about by any but unnatural means and is the foundation and very soul
of quarrelling。 The stroking of the hair and affectionate
embracings are much recommended； for they are so manly。
And at the suppers and the rites of Talebearer each member is to
drop an anonymous opinion of some other member's character into a
common letter box； and the president shall read them out。 Each
member is to defend himself； the formula for the commencement of
each speech being： 〃I know who wrote that about me； and it is a
very blackguardly thing of him to say 。 。 。 〃
N。B。Any number of persons are allowed to speak at the same time。
By these means it is hoped to restore strife and dissension to the
world； now alas！ so fatally subjugated to a mean…spirited thing
called Charity； which during the last month has been perfectly
rampant in the college。 Yes； we will give a helping hand to
bickerings； petty jealousies； back…bitings； and all sorts of good
things； and will be as jolly as ninepence andwho'll be the first
president？
POWERS
But； my son； think not that it is necessary for thee to be excellent
if thou wouldst be powerful。 Observe how the lighter substance in
nature riseth by its own levity and overtoppeth that which is the
more grave。 Even so； my son； mayest thou be light and worthless；
and yet make a goodly show above those who are of a more intrinsic
value than thyself。 But as much circumspection will be necessary
for thee to attain this glorious end； and as by reason of thy youth
thou art liable to miss many of the most able and effective means of
becoming possessed of it； hear the words of an old man and treasure
them in thy heart。 The required qualities； my son； are easily
procured； many are naturally gifted with them。 In order； however；
that thou mayest keep them in set form in thy mind commit to memory
the following list of requisites： Love of self； love of show； love
of sound； reserve； openness； distrust。
The love of self； which shall chiefly manifest itself in the
obtaining the best of all things for thyself to the exclusion of
another； be he who he may； and as meal…times are the fittest
occasion for the exercise of this necessary quality； I will even
illustrate my meaning that thou mayest the more plainly comprehend
me。 Suppose that many are congregated to a breakfast and there is a
dish of kidneys on the table； but not so many but what the greater
number must go without them； cry out with a loud voice； immediately
that thou hast perceived them： 〃Kidneys！ Oh； ah！ I say； G。； old
fellow； give us some kidneys。〃 Then will the master of the house be
pleased that he hath provided something to thy liking； and as others
from false shame will fear to do the like thou wilt both obtain that
thy soul desireth； and be looked upon by thy fellows as a bold
fellow and one who knoweth how to make his way in the world； and G。
will say immediately： 〃Waiter； take this to Mr。 Potguts；〃 and he
taketh them； and so on； my son； with all other meats that are on the
table； see thou refrain not from one of them； for a large appetite
well becometh a power； or if not a large one then a dainty one。 But
if thine appetite be small and dainty see thou express contempt for
a large eater as one inferior to thyself。 Or again； my son； if thou
art not at a banquet but enterest any room where there are many met
together； see thou take the arm…chair or the best seat or couch； or
what other place of comfort is in the room； and if there be another
power in the room as well as thyself see thou fight with him for it；
and if thou canst by any craft get rid of him an he be more thickly
set than thyself； see that thou do this openly and with a noise；
that all men may behold and admire thee； for they will fear thee and
yield and not venture to reprove thee openly； and so long as they
dare not； all will be well。 Nevertheless I would have thee