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My class at the theological school was composed
of forty…two young men and my unworthy self； and
before I had been a member of it an hour I realized
that women theologians paid heavily for the privilege
of being women。 The young men of my class who
were licensed preachers were given free accommo…
dations in the dormitory； and their board； at a club
formed for their assistance； cost each of them only
one dollar and twenty…five cents a week。 For me
no such kindly provision was made。 I was not
allowed a place in the dormitory； but instead was
given two dollars a week to pay the rent of a room
outside。 Neither was I admitted to the economical
comforts of the club； but fed myself according to
my income； a plan which worked admirably when
there was an income； but left an obvious void when
there was not。
With characteristic optimism； however； I hired a
little attic room on Tremont Street and established
myself therein。 In lieu of a window the room
offered a pale skylight to the February storms； and
there was neither heat in it nor running water；
but its possession gave me a pleasant sense of
proprietorship； and the whole experience seemed a
high adventure。 I at once sought opportunities to
preach and lecture； but these were even rarer than
firelight and food。 In Albion I had been practically
the only licensed preacher available for substitute
and special work。 In Boston University's three
theological classes there were a hundred men； each
snatching eagerly at the slightest possibility of
employment； and when； despite this competition；
I received and responded to an invitation to preach；
I never knew whether I was to be paid for my services
in cash or in compliments。 If； by a happy chance；
the compensation came in cash； the amount was
rarely more than five dollars； and never more than
ten。 There was no help in sight from my family；
whose early opposition to my career as a minister
had hotly flamed forth again when I started East。
I lived； therefore； on milk and crackers； and for
weeks at a time my hunger was never wholly satis…
fied。 In my home in the wilderness I had often
heard the wolves prowling around our door at night。
Now； in Boston； I heard them even at high noon。
There is a special and almost indescribable de…
pression attending such conditions。 No one who
has not experienced the combination of continued
cold； hunger； and loneliness in a great； strange；
indifferent city can realize how it undermines the
victim's nerves and even tears at the moral fiber。
The self…humiliation I experienced was also intense。
I had worked my way in the Northwest； why could
I not work my way in Boston？ Was there； per…
haps； some lack in me and in my courage？ Again
and again these questions rose in my mind and
poisoned my self…confidence。 The one comfort I
had in those black days was the knowledge that no
one suspected the depth of the abyss in which I
dwelt。 We were all struggling； to the indifferent
glanceand all glances were indifferentmy struggle
was no worse than that of my classmates whose
rooms and frugal meals were given them。
After a few months of this existence I was almost
ready to believe that the Lord's work for me lay
outside of the ministry； and while this fear was
gripping me a serious crisis came in my financial
affairs。 The day dawned when I had not a cent；
nor any prospect of earning one。 My stock of
provisions consisted of a box of biscuit； and my
courage was flowing from me like blood from an
opened vein。 Then came one of the quick turns
of the wheel of chance which make for optimism。
Late in the afternoon I was asked to do a week of
revival work with a minister in a local church； and
when I accepted his invitation I mentally resolved
to let that week decide my fate。 My shoes had
burst open at the sides； for lack of car…fare I had
to walk to and from the scene of my meetings； though
I had barely strength for the effort。 If my week
of work brought me enough to buy a pair of cheap
shoes and feed me for a few days I would； I decided；
continue my theological course。 If it did not； I
would give up the fight。
Never have I worked harder or better than during
those seven days； when I put into the effort not
only my heart and soul； but the last flame of my
dying vitality； We had a rousing revivalone of
the good old…time affairs when the mourners' benches
were constantly filled and the air resounded with
alleluias。 The excitement and our success； mildly
aided by the box of biscuit； sustained me through the
week； and not until the last night did I realize how
much of me had gone into this final desperate charge
of mine。 Then； the service over and the people
departed； I sank； weak and trembling； into a chair；
trying to pull myself together before hearing my
fate in the good…night words of the minister I had
assisted。 When he came to me and began to com…
pliment me on the work I had done； I could not
rise。 I sat still and listened with downcast eyes；
afraid to lift them lest he read in them something
of my need and panic in this moment when my whole
future seemed at stake。
At first his words rolled around the empty church
as if they were trying to get away from me； but
at last I began to catch them。 I was； it seemed；
a most desirable helper。 It had been a privilege
and a pleasure to be associated with me。 Beyond
doubt； I would go far in my career。 He heartily
wished that he could reward me adequately。 I
deserved fifty dollars。
My tired heart fluttered at this。 Probably my
empty stomach fluttered； too； but in the next
moment something seemed to catch my throat and
stop my breath。 For it appeared that； notwith…
standing the enthusiasm and the spiritual uplift
of the week； the collections had been very disap…
pointing and the expenses unusually heavy。 He
could not give me fifty dollars。 He could not give
me anything at all。 He thanked me warmly and
wished me good night。
I managed to answer him and to get to my feet；
but that journey down the aisle from my chair to
the church door was the longest journey I have ever
made。 During it I felt not only the heart…sick
disappointment of the moment； but the cumulative
unhappiness of the years to come。 I was friend…
less； penniless； and starving； but it was not of these
conditions that I thought then。 The one over…
whelming fact was that I had been weighed and
found wanting。 I was not worthy。
I stumbled along； passing blindly a woman who
stood on the street near the church entrance。 She
stopped me； timidly； and held out her hand。 Then
suddenly she put her arms around me and wept。
She was an old lady； and I did not know her； but it
seemed fitting that she should cry just then； as it
would have seemed fitting to me if at that black
moment all the people on the earth had broken into
sudden wailing。
‘‘Oh； Miss Shaw；'' she said； ‘‘I'm the happiest
woman in the world； and I owe my happiness to
you。 To…night you have converted my grandson。
He's all I have left； but he has been a wild boy；
and I've prayed over him for years。 Hereafter he
is going to lead a different life。 He has just given
me his promise on his knees。''
Her hand fumbled in her purse。
‘‘I am a poor woman；'' she went on； ‘‘but I have
enough； and I want to make you a little present。
I know how hard life is for you young students。''
She pressed a bill into my fingers。 ‘‘It's very
little；'' she said； humbly； ‘‘it is only five dollars。''
I laughed； and in that exultant moment I seemed
to hear life laughing with me。 With the passing
of the bill from her hand to mine existence had
become a new experience； wonderful and beautiful。
‘‘It's the biggest gift I have ever had；'' I told her。
‘‘This little bill is big enough to carry my future
on its back！''
I had a good meal that night； and I bought the
shoes the next morning。 Infinitely more sustaining
than the food； however； was the conviction that
the Lord was with me and had given me a sign of
His approval。 The experience was the turning…
point of my theological career。 When the money
was gone I succeeded in obtaining more work from
time to timeand though the grind was still cruelly
hard； I never again lost hope。 The theological school
was on Bromfield Street； and we students climbed
three flights of stairs to reach our class…rooms。
Through lack of proper food I had become too
weak to ascend these stairs without sitting down
once or twice to rest； and within a month after my
experience with the appreciative grandmother I
was discovered during one of these resting periods
by Mrs。 Barrett； the superintendent of the Woman's
Foreign Missionary Society； which had offices in
our building。 She stopped； looked me over； and
then invited me into her room； where she asked
me