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December 20。
The weather is horrible； it is snowing； and I am alone。 I have been in such a fever for the last three days that I could not write you a word。 No news； my friend； every day I hope vaguely for a letter from you； but it does not come； and no doubt it will never come。 Only men are strong enough not to forgive。 The duke has not answered。
Prudence is pawning my things again。
I have been spitting blood all the time。 Oh； you would be sorry for me if you could see me。 You are indeed happy to be under a warm sky； and not； like me； with a whole winter of ice on your chest。 To…day I got up for a little while； and looked out through the curtains of my window； and watched the life of Paris passing below； the life with which I have now nothing more to do。 I saw the faces of some people I knew； passing rapidly； joyous and careless。 Not one lifted his eyes to my window。 However； a few young men have come to inquire for me。 Once before I was ill； and you； though you did not know me； though you had had nothing from me but an impertinence the day I met you first； you came to inquire after me every day。 We spent six months together。 I had all the love for you that a woman's heart can hold and give； and you are far away； you are cursing me； and there is not a word of consolation from you。 But it is only chance that has made you leave me； I am sure； for if you were at Paris； you would not leave my bedside。
December 25。
My doctor tells me I must not write every day。 And indeed my memories only increase my fever； but yesterday I received a letter which did me good； more because of what it said than by the material help which it contained。 I can write to you； then； to…day。 This letter is from your father； and this is what it says：
〃MADAME： I have just learned that you are ill。 If I were at Paris I would come and ask after you myself； if my son were here I would send him； but I can not leave C。； and Armand is six or seven hundred leagues from here； permit me； then； simply to write to you； madame； to tell you how pained I am to hear of your illness； and believe in my sincere wishes for your speedy recovery。
One of my good friends； M。 H。； will call on you； will you kindly receive him？ I have intrusted him with a commission； the result of which I await impatiently。 〃Believe me； madame；
〃Yours most faithfully。〃
This is the letter he sent me。 Your father has a noble heart； love him well； my friend； for there are few men so worthy of being loved。 This paper signed by his name has done me more good than all the prescriptions of our great doctor。
This morning M。 H。 called。 He seemed much embarrassed by the delicate mission which M。 Duval had intrusted to him。 As a matter of fact； he came to bring me three thousand francs from your father。 I wanted to refuse at first； but M。 H。 told me that my refusal would annoy M。 Duval； who had authorized him to give me this sum now； and later on whatever I might need。 I accepted it； for； coming from your father； it could not be exactly taking alms。 If I am dead when you come back； show your father what I have written for him； and tell him that in writing these lines the poor woman to whom he was kind enough to write so consoling a letter wept tears of gratitude and prayed God for him。
January 4。
I have passed some terrible days。 I never knew the body could suffer so。 Oh； my past life！ I pay double for it now。
There has been some one to watch by me every night； I can not breathe。 What remains of my poor existence is shared between being delirious and coughing。
The dining…room is full of sweets and all sorts of presents that my friends have brought。 Some of them； I dare say； are hoping that I shall be their mistress later on。 If they could see what sickness has made of me； they would go away in terror。
Prudence is giving her New Year's presents with those I have received。
There is a thaw； and the doctor says that I may go out in a few days if the fine weather continues。
January 8。
I went out yesterday in my carriage。 The weather was lovely。 The Champs…Elysees was full of people。 It was like the first smile of spring。 Everything about me had a festal air。 I never knew before that a ray of sunshine could contain so much joy； sweetness； and consolation。
I met almost all the people I knew； all happy； all absorbed in their pleasures。 How many happy people don't even know that they are happy！ Olympe passed me in an elegant carriage that M。 de N。 has given her。 She tried to insult me by her look。 She little knows how far I am from such things now。 A nice fellow； whom I have known for a long time； asked me if I would have supper with him and one of his friends； who； he said； was very anxious to make my acquaintance。 I smiled sadly and gave him my hand； burning with fever。 I never saw such an astonished countenance。
I came in at four； and had quite an appetite for my dinner。 Going out has done me good。 If I were only going to get well！ How the sight of the life and happiness of others gives a desire of life to those who； only the night before； in the solitude of their soul and in the shadow of their sick…room； only wanted to die soon！
January 10。
The hope of getting better was only a dream。 I am back in bed again； covered with plasters which burn me。 If I were to offer the body that people paid so dear for once； how much would they give； I wonder； to…day？
We must have done something very wicked before we were born； or else we must be going to be very happy indeed when we are dead； for God to let this life have all the tortures of expiation and all the sorrows of an ordeal。
January 12。
I am always ill。
The Comte de N。 sent me some money yesterday。 I did not keep it。 I won't take anything from that man。 It is through him that you are not here。
Oh； that good time at Bougival！ Where is it now？
If I come out of this room alive I will make a pilgrimage to the house we lived in together； but I will never leave it until I am dead。
Who knows if I shall write to you to…morrow？
January 25。
I have not slept for eleven nights。 I am suffocated。 I imagine every moment that I am going to die。 The doctor has forbidden me to touch a pen。 Julie Duprat； who is looking after me； lets me write these few lines to you。 Will you not come back before I die？ Is it all over between us forever？ It seems to me as if I should get well if you came。 What would be the good of getting well？
January 28。
This morning I was awakened by a great noise。 Julie； who slept in my room； ran into the dining…room。 I heard men's voices； and hers protesting against them in vain。 She came back crying。
They had come to seize my things。 I told her to let what they call justice have its way。 The bailiff came into my room with his hat on。 He opened the drawers； wrote down what he saw； and did not even seem to be aware that there was a dying woman in the bed that fortunately the charity of the law leaves me。
He said； indeed； before going； that I could appeal within nine days； but he left a man behind to keep watch。 My God！ what is to become of me？ This scene has made me worse than I was before。 Prudence wanted to go and ask your father's friend for money； but I would not let her。
I received your letter this morning。 I was in need of it。 Will my answer reach you in time？ Will you ever see me again？ This is a happy day； and it has made me forget all the days I have passed for the last six weeks。 I seem as if I am better； in spite of the feeling of sadness under the impression of which I replied to you。
After all； no one is unhappy always。
When I think that it may happen to me not to die； for you to come back； for me to see the spring again； for you still to love me； and for us to begin over again our last year's life！
Fool that I am！ I can scarcely hold the pen with which I write to you of this wild dream of my heart。
Whatever happens； I loved you well； Armand； and I would have died long ago if I had not had the memory of your love to help me and a sort of vague hope of seeing you beside me again。
February 4。
The Comte de G。 has returned。 His mistress has been unfaithful to him。 He is very sad； he was very fond of her。 He came to tell me all about it。 The poor fellow is in rather a bad way as to money； all the same； he has paid my bailiff and sent away the man。
I talked to him about you； and he promised to tell you about me。 I forgot that I had been his mistress； and he tried to make me forget it； too。 He is a good friend。
The duke sent yesterday to inquire after me； and this morning he came to see me。 I do not know how the old man still keeps alive。 He remained with me three hours and did not say twenty words。 Two big tears fell from his eyes when he saw how pale I was。 The memory of his daughter's death made him weep； no doubt。 He will have seen her die twice。 His back was bowed； his head bent toward the ground； his lips drooping； his eyes vacant。 Age and sorrow weigh with a double weight on his worn…out body。 He did not reproach me。 It looked as if he rejoiced secretly to see the ravages that disease had made in me。 He seemed proud of being still on his feet； while I； who am still young； was broken down by suffering。
The bad weather has returned。 No