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for Bertha； of my dislike and jealousy towards my brother。
It is an old story； that men sell themselves to the tempter； and
sign a bond with their blood； because it is only to take effect at
a distant day； then rush on to snatch the cup their souls thirst
after with an impulse not the less savage because there is a dark
shadow beside them for evermore。 There is no short cut； no patent
tram…road； to wisdom： after all the centuries of invention； the
soul's path lies through the thorny wilderness which must be still
trodden in solitude； with bleeding feet； with sobs for help； as it
was trodden by them of old time。
My mind speculated eagerly on the means by which I should become my
brother's successful rival； for I was still too timid； in my
ignorance of Bertha's actual feeling； to venture on any step that
would urge from her an avowal of it。 I thought I should gain
confidence even for this； if my vision of Prague proved to have
been veracious； and yet； the horror of that certitude！ Behind the
slim girl Bertha； whose words and looks I watched for； whose touch
was bliss； there stood continually that Bertha with the fuller
form； the harder eyes； the more rigid mouthwith the barren；
selfish soul laid bare； no longer a fascinating secret； but a
measured fact； urging itself perpetually on my unwilling sight。
Are you unable to give me your sympathyyou who react this？ Are
you unable to imagine this double consciousness at work within me；
flowing on like two parallel streams which never mingle their
waters and blend into a common hue？ Yet you must have known
something of the presentiments that spring from an insight at war
with passion； and my visions were only like presentiments
intensified to horror。 You have known the powerlessness of ideas
before the might of impulse； and my visions； when once they had
passed into memory； were mere ideaspale shadows that beckoned in
vain； while my hand was grasped by the living and the loved。
In after…days I thought with bitter regret that if I had foreseen
something more or something differentif instead of that hideous
vision which poisoned the passion it could not destroy； or if even
along with it I could have had a foreshadowing of that moment when
I looked on my brother's face for the last time； some softening
influence would have been shed over my feeling towards him： pride
and hatred would surely have been subdued into pity； and the record
of those hidden sins would have been shortened。 But this is one of
the vain thoughts with which we men flatter ourselves。 We try to
believe that the egoism within us would have easily been melted；
and that it was only the narrowness of our knowledge which hemmed
in our generosity； our awe； our human piety； and hindered them from
submerging our hard indifference to the sensations and emotions of
our fellows。 Our tenderness and self…renunciation seem strong when
our egoism has had its daywhen； after our mean striving for a
triumph that is to be another's loss； the triumph comes suddenly；
and we shudder at it； because it is held out by the chill hand of
death。
Our arrival in Prague happened at night； and I was glad of this；
for it seemed like a deferring of a terribly decisive moment； to be
in the city for hours without seeing it。 As we were not to remain
long in Prague； but to go on speedily to Dresden； it was proposed
that we should drive out the next morning and take a general view
of the place； as well as visit some of its specially interesting
spots； before the heat became oppressivefor we were in August；
and the season was hot and dry。 But it happened that the ladies
were rather late at their morning toilet； and to my father's
politely…repressed but perceptible annoyance； we were not in the
carriage till the morning was far advanced。 I thought with a sense
of relief； as we entered the Jews' quarter； where we were to visit
the old synagogue； that we should be kept in this flat； shut…up
part of the city； until we should all be too tired and too warm to
go farther； and so we should return without seeing more than the
streets through which we had already passed。 That would give me
another day's suspensesuspense； the only form in which a fearful
spirit knows the solace of hope。 But； as I stood under the
blackened； groined arches of that old synagogue； made dimly visible
by the seven thin candles in the sacred lamp； while our Jewish
cicerone reached down the Book of the Law； and read to us in its
ancient tongueI felt a shuddering impression that this strange
building； with its shrunken lights； this surviving withered remnant
of medieval Judaism； was of a piece with my vision。 Those darkened
dusty Christian saints； with their loftier arches and their larger
candles； needed the consolatory scorn with which they might point
to a more shrivelled death…in…life than their own。
As I expected； when we left the Jews' quarter the elders of our
party wished to return to the hotel。 But now； instead of rejoicing
in this； as I had done beforehand； I felt a sudden overpowering
impulse to go on at once to the bridge； and put an end to the
suspense I had been wishing to protract。 I declared； with unusual
decision； that I would get out of the carriage and walk on alone；
they might return without me。 My father； thinking this merely a
sample of my usual 〃poetic nonsense；〃 objected that I should only
do myself harm by walking in the heat； but when I persisted； he
said angrily that I might follow my own absurd devices； but that
Schmidt （our courier） must go with me。 I assented to this； and set
off with Schmidt towards the bridge。 I had no sooner passed from
under the archway of the grand old gate leading an to the bridge；
than a trembling seized me； and I turned cold under the mid…day
sun； yet I went on； I was in search of somethinga small detail
which I remembered with special intensity as part of my vision。
There it wasthe patch of rainbow light on the pavement
transmitted through a lamp in the shape of a star。
CHAPTER II
Before the autumn was at an end； and while the brown leaves still
stood thick on the beeches in our park； my brother and Bertha were
engaged to each other； and it was understood that their marriage
was to take place early in the next spring。 In spite of the
certainty I had felt from that moment on the bridge at Prague； that
Bertha would one day be my wife； my constitutional timidity and
distrust had continued to benumb me； and the words in which I had
sometimes premeditated a confession of my love； had died away
unuttered。 The same conflict had gone on within me as beforethe
longing for an assurance of love from Bertha's lips； the dread lest
a word of contempt and denial should fall upon me like a corrosive
acid。 What was the conviction of a distant necessity to me？ l
trembled under a present glance； I hungered after a present joy； I
was clogged and chilled by a present fear。 And so the days passed
on： I witnessed Bertha's engagement and heard her marriage
discussed as if I were under a conscious nightmareknowing it was
a dream that would vanish； but feeling stifled under the grasp of
hard…clutching fingers。
When I was not in Bertha's presenceand I was with her very often；
for she continued to treat me with a playful patronage that wakened
no jealousy in my brotherI spent my time chiefly in wandering； in
strolling； or taking long rides while the daylight lasted； and then
shutting myself up with my unread books； for books had lost the
power of chaining my attention。 My self…consciousness was
heightened to that pitch of intensity in which our own emotions
take the form of a drama which urges itself imperatively on our
contemplation； and we begin to weep； less under the sense of our
suffering than at the thought of it。 I felt a sort of pitying
anguish over the pathos of my own lot： the lot of a being finely
organized for pain； but with hardly any fibres that responded to
pleasureto whom the idea of future evil robbed the present of its
joy； and for whom the idea of future good did not still the
uneasiness of a present yearning or a present dread。 I went dumbly
through that stage of the poet's suffering； in which he feels the
delicious pang of utterance； and makes an image of his sorrows。
I was left entirely without remonstrance concerning this dreamy
wayward life： I knew my father's thought about me： 〃That lad will
never be good for anything in life： he may waste his years in an
insignificant way on the income that falls to him： I shall not
trouble myself about a career for him。〃
One mild morning in the beginning of November； it happened that I
was standing outside the portico patting lazy old Caesar； a
Newfoundland almost blind with age； the only dog that ever took any
notice of mefor the very dogs shunned me； and fawned on the
happier people about mewhen the groom brought up my brother's
horse which was to carry him to the hunt； and my brother himself
appeared at the door； florid； broad…chested； and self…complacent；
feeling what a good…natured fellow he was not to behave insolently
to us all on the strength of his great advantages。
〃Latimer； old boy；〃 he said to me in a t