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brought me more completely under her power： no matter how empty
the adytum； so that the veil be thick enough。 So absolute is our
soul's need of something hidden and uncertain for the maintenance
of that doubt and hope and effort which are the breath of its life；
that if the whole future were laid bare to us beyond to…day； the
interest of all mankind would be bent on the hours that lie
between； we should pant after the uncertainties of our one morning
and our one afternoon； we should rush fiercely to the Exchange for
our last possibility of speculation； of success； of disappointment：
we should have a glut of political prophets foretelling a crisis or
a no…crisis within the only twenty…four hours left open to
prophecy。 Conceive the condition of the human mind if all
propositions whatsoever were self…evident except one； which was to
become self…evident at the close of a summer's day； but in the
meantime might be the subject of question； of hypothesis； of
debate。 Art and philosophy； literature and science； would fasten
like bees on that one proposition which had the honey of
probability in it； and be the more eager because their enjoyment
would end with sunset。 Our impulses； our spiritual activities； no
more adjust themselves to the idea of their future nullity； than
the beating of our heart； or the irritability of our muscles。
Bertha； the slim； fair…haired girl； whose present thoughts and
emotions were an enigma to me amidst the fatiguing obviousness of
the other minds around me； was as absorbing to me as a single
unknown to…dayas a single hypothetic proposition to remain
problematic till sunset； and all the cramped； hemmed…in belief and
disbelief； trust and distrust； of my nature； welled out in this one
narrow channel。
And she made me believe that she loved me。 Without ever quitting
her tone of BADINAGE and playful superiority； she intoxicated me
with the sense that I was necessary to her； that she was never at
ease； unless I was near her； submitting to her playful tyranny。 It
costs a woman so little effort to beset us in this way！ A half…
repressed word； a moment's unexpected silence； even an easy fit of
petulance on our account； will serve us as hashish for a long
while。 Out of the subtlest web of scarcely perceptible signs； she
set me weaving the fancy that she had always unconsciously loved me
better than Alfred； but that； with the ignorant fluttered
sensibility of a young girl； she had been imposed on by the charm
that lay for her in the distinction of being admired and chosen by
a man who made so brilliant a figure in the world as my brother。
She satirized herself in a very graceful way for her vanity and
ambition。 What was it to me that I had the light of my wretched
provision on the fact that now it was I who possessed at least all
but the personal part of my brother's advantages？ Our sweet
illusions are half of them conscious illusions； like effects of
colour that we know to be made up of tinsel； broken glass； and
rags。
We were married eighteen months after Alfred's death； one cold；
clear morning in April； when there came hail and sunshine both
together； and Bertha； in her white silk and pale…green leaves； and
the pale hues of her hair and face； looked like the spirit of the
morning。 My father was happier than he had thought of being again：
my marriage； he felt sure； would complete the desirable
modification of my character； and make me practical and worldly
enough to take my place in society among sane men。 For he
delighted in Bertha's tact and acuteness； and felt sure she would
be mistress of me； and make me what she chose： I was only twenty…
one； and madly in love with her。 Poor father！ He kept that hope a
little while after our first year of marriage； and it was not quite
extinct when paralysis came and saved him from utter
disappointment。
I shall hurry through the rest of my story； not dwelling so much as
I have hitherto done on my inward experience。 When people are well
known to each other； they talk rather of what befalls them
externally； leaving their feelings and sentiments to be inferred。
We lived in a round of visits for some time after our return home；
giving splendid dinner…parties； and making a sensation in our
neighbourhood by the new lustre of our equipage； for my father had
reserved this display of his increased wealth for the period of his
son's marriage； and we gave our acquaintances liberal opportunity
for remarking that it was a pity I made so poor a figure as an heir
and a bridegroom。 The nervous fatigue of this existence； the
insincerities and platitudes which I had to live through twice
overthrough my inner and outward sensewould have been maddening
to me； if I had not had that sort of intoxicated callousness which
came from the delights of a first passion。 A bride and bridegroom；
surrounded by all the appliances of wealth； hurried through the day
by the whirl of society； filling their solitary moments with
hastily…snatched caresses； are prepared for their future life
together as the novice is prepared for the cloisterby
experiencing its utmost contrast。
Through all these crowded excited months； Bertha's inward self
remained shrouded from me； and I still read her thoughts only
through the language of her lips and demeanour： I had still the
human interest of wondering whether what I did and said pleased
her； of longing to hear a word of affection； of giving a delicious
exaggeration of meaning to her smile。 But I was conscious of a
growing difference in her manner towards me； sometimes strong
enough to be called haughty coldness； cutting and chilling me as
the hail had done that came across the sunshine on our marriage
morning； sometimes only perceptible in the dexterous avoidance of a
tete…a…tete walk or dinner to which I had been looking forward。 I
had been deeply pained by thishad even felt a sort of crushing of
the heart； from the sense that my brief day of happiness was near
its setting； but still I remained dependent on Bertha； eager for
the last rays of a bliss that would soon be gone for ever； hoping
and watching for some after…glow more beautiful from the impending
night。
I rememberhow should I not remember？the time when that
dependence and hope utterly left me； when the sadness I had felt in
Bertha's growing estrangement became a joy that I looked back upon
with longing as a man might look back on the last pains in a
paralysed limb。 It was just after the close of my father's last
illness； which had necessarily withdrawn us from society and thrown
us more on each other。 It was the evening of father's death。 On
that evening the veil which had shrouded Bertha's soul from mehad
made me find in her alone among my fellow…beings the blessed
possibility of mystery； and doubt； and expectationwas first
withdrawn。 Perhaps it was the first day since the beginning of my
passion for her； in which that passion was completely neutralized
by the presence of an absorbing feeling of another kind。 I had
been watching by my father's deathbed： I had been witnessing the
last fitful yearning glance his soul had cast back on the spent
inheritance of lifethe last faint consciousness of love he had
gathered from the pressure of my hand。 What are all our personal
loves when we have been sharing in that supreme agony？ In the
first moments when we come away from the presence of death； every
other relation to the living is merged； to our feeling； in the
great relation of a common nature and a common destiny。
In that state of mind I joined Bertha in her private sitting…room。
She was seated in a leaning posture on a settee； with her back
towards the door； the great rich coils of her pale blond hair
surmounting her small neck； visible above the back of the settee。
I remember； as I closed the door behind me； a cold tremulousness
seizing me； and a vague sense of being hated and lonelyvague and
strong； like a presentiment。 I know how I looked at that moment；
for I saw myself in Bertha's thought as she lifted her cutting grey
eyes； and looked at me： a miserable ghost…seer； surrounded by
phantoms in the noonday； trembling under a breeze when the leaves
were still； without appetite for the common objects of human
desires； but pining after the moon…beams。 We were front to front
with each other； and judged each other。 The terrible moment of
complete illumination had come to me； and I saw that the darkness
had hidden no landscape from me； but only a blank prosaic wall：
from that evening forth； through the sickening years which
followed； I saw all round the narrow room of this woman's soulsaw
petty artifice and mere negation where I had delighted to believe
in coy sensibilities and in wit at war with latent feelingsaw the
light floating vanities of the girl defining themselves into the
systematic coquetry； the scheming selfishness； of the womansaw
repulsion and antipathy harden into cruel hatred； giving pain only
for the sake of wreaking itself。
For Bertha too； after her kind； felt the bitterness of disillusion。
She had believed that my wild poet's passion for her would make me
her slave； and that； being her slave； I should execute her will in
all t