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believing the truth about me。〃
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The shadow passed from between us； and was no longer the object
nearest to me。 The girl whose light fingers grasped me； whose elfish
charming face looked into minewho； I thought； was betraying an interest
in my feelings that she would not have directly avowed；this warm
breathing presence again possessed my senses and imagination like a
returning siren melody which had been overpowered for an instant by the
roar of threatening waves。 It was a moment as delicious to me as the
waking up to a consciousness of youth after a dream of middle age。 I
forgot everything but my passion； and said with swimming eyes …
〃Bertha； shall you love me when we are first married？ I wouldn't
mind if you really loved me only for a little while。〃
Her look of astonishment； as she loosed my hand and started away
from me； recalled me to a sense of my strange； my criminal indiscretion。
〃Forgive me；〃 I said； hurriedly； as soon as I could speak again； 〃I did
not know what I was saying。〃
〃Ah； Tasso's mad fit has come on； I see；〃 she answered quietly； for she
had recovered herself sooner than I had。 〃Let him go home and keep his
head cool。 I must go in； for the sun is setting。〃
I left herfull of indignation against myself。 I had let slip words
which； if she reflected on them； might rouse in her a suspicion of my
abnormal mental conditiona suspicion which of all things I dreaded。
And besides that； I was ashamed of the apparent baseness I had committed
in uttering them to my brother's betrothed wife。 I wandered home slowly；
entering our park through a private gate instead of by the lodges。 As I
approached the house； I saw a man dashing off at full speed from the
stable…yard across the park。 Had any accident happened at home？ No；
perhaps it was only one of my father's peremptory business errands that
required this headlong haste。
Nevertheless I quickened my pace without any distinct motive； and
was soon at the house。 I will not dwell on the scene I found there。 My
brother was deadhad been pitched from his horse； and killed on the spot
by a concussion of the brain。
I went up to the room where he lay； and where my father was seated
beside him with a look of rigid despair。 I had shunned my father more
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than any one since our return home； for the radical antipathy between our
natures made my insight into his inner self a constant affliction to me。
But now； as I went up to him； and stood beside him in sad silence； I felt
the presence of a new element that blended us as we had never been blent
before。 My father had been one of the most successful men in the
money…getting world： he had had no sentimental sufferings； no illness。
The heaviest trouble that had befallen him was the death of his first wife。
But he married my mother soon after； and I remember he seemed exactly
the same； to my keen childish observation； the week after her death as
before。 But now； at last； a sorrow had comethe sorrow of old age；
which suffers the more from the crushing of its pride and its hopes； in
proportion as the pride and hope are narrow and prosaic。 His son was to
have been married soonwould probably have stood for the borough at the
next election。 That son's existence was the best motive that could be
alleged for making new purchases of land every year to round off the
estate。 It is a dreary thing onto live on doing the same things year after
year； without knowing why we do them。 Perhaps the tragedy of
disappointed youth and passion is less piteous than the tragedy of
disappointed age and worldliness。
As I saw into the desolation of my father's heart； I felt a movement of
deep pity towards him； which was the beginning of a new affectionan
affection that grew and strengthened in spite of the strange bitterness with
which he regarded me in the first month or two after my brother's death。
If it had not been for the softening influence of my compassion for him
the first deep compassion I had ever feltI should have been stung by the
perception that my father transferred the inheritance of an eldest son to me
with a mortified sense that fate had compelled him to the unwelcome
course of caring for me as an important being。 It was only in spite of
himself that he began to think of me with anxious regard。 There is hardly
any neglected child for whom death has made vacant a more favoured
place； who will not understand what I mean。
Gradually； however； my new deference to his wishes； the effect of that
patience which was born of my pity for him； won upon his affection； and
he began to please himself with the endeavour to make me fill any
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brother's place as fully as my feebler personality would admit。 I saw that
the prospect which by and by presented itself of my becoming Bertha's
husband was welcome to him； and he even contemplated in my case what
he had not intended in my brother'sthat his son and daughter…in…law
should make one household with him。 My softened feelings towards my
father made this the happiest time I had known since childhood；these last
months in which I retained the delicious illusion of loving Bertha； of
longing and doubting and hoping that she might love me。 She behaved
with a certain new consciousness and distance towards me after my
brother's death； and I too was under a double constraint that of delicacy
towards my brother's memory and of anxiety as to the impression my
abrupt words had left on her mind。 But the additional screen this mutual
reserve erected between us only brought me more completely under her
power： no matter how empty the adytum； so that the veil be thick
enough。 So absolute is our soul's need of something hidden and
uncertain for the maintenance of that doubt and hope and effort which are
the breath of its life； that if the whole future were laid bare to us beyond
to…day； the interest of all mankind would be bent on the hours that lie
between； we should pant after the uncertainties of our one morning and
our one afternoon； we should rush fiercely to the Exchange for our last
possibility of speculation； of success； of disappointment： we should have a
glut of political prophets foretelling a crisis or a no…crisis within the only
twenty…four hours left open to prophecy。 Conceive the condition of the
human mind if all propositions whatsoever were self…evident except one；
which was to become self…evident at the close of a summer's day； but in
the meantime might be the subject of question； of hypothesis； of debate。
Art and philosophy； literature and science； would fasten like bees on that
one proposition which had the honey of probability in it； and be the more
eager because their enjoyment would end with sunset。 Our impulses； our
spiritual activities； no more adjust themselves to the idea of their future
nullity； than the beating of our heart； or the irritability of our muscles。
Bertha； the slim； fair…haired girl； whose present thoughts and emotions
were an enigma to me amidst the fatiguing obviousness of the other minds
around me； was as absorbing to me as a single unknown to…dayas a
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single hypothetic proposition