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d a fine harvest。 The proceeds of these sales were distributed in ‘charity' and it was usually a case of much cry and little wool。
There was a religious organization； called ‘The Mugsborough Skull and Crossbones Boys'； which existed for the purpose of perpetuating the great religious festival of Guy Fawkes。 This association also came to the aid of the unemployed and organized a Grand Fancy Dress Carnival and Torchlight Procession。 When this took place； although there was a slight sprinkling of individuals dressed in tawdry costumes as cavaliers of the time of Charles I； and a few more as highwaymen or footpads； the majority of the processionists were boys in women's clothes； or wearing sacks with holes cut in them for their heads and arms； and with their faces smeared with soot。 There were also a number of men carrying frying…pans in which they burnt red and blue fire。 The procession … or rather； mob … was headed by a band； and the band was headed by two men； arm in arm； one very tall； dressed to represent Satan； in red tights； with horns on his head； and smoking a large cigar； and the other attired in the no less picturesque costume of a bishop of the Established Church。
This crew paraded the town； howling and dancing； carrying flaring torches； burning the blue and red fire； and some of them singing silly or obscene songs； whilst the collectors ran about with the boxes begging for money from people who were in most cases nearly as poverty…stricken as the unemployed they were asked to assist。 The money thus obtained was afterwards handed over to the Secretary of the Organized Benevolence Society； Mr Sawney Grinder。
Then there was the Soup Kitchen； which was really an inferior eating…house in a mean street。 The man who ran this was a relative of the secretary of the OBS。 He cadged all the ingredients for the soup from different tradespeople： bones and scraps of meat from butchers： pea meal and split peas from provision dealers： vegetables from greengrocers： stale bread from bakers； and so on。 Well…intentioned； charitable old women with more money than sense sent him donations in cash； and he sold the soup for a penny a basin … or a penny a quart to those who brought jugs。
He had a large number of shilling books printed； each containing thirteen penny tickets。 The Organized Benevolence Society bought a lot of these books and resold them to benevolent persons； or gave them away to ‘deserving cases'。 It was this connection with the OBS that gave the Soup Kitchen a semi…official character in the estimation of the public； and furnished the proprietor with the excuse for cadging the materials and money donations。
In the case of the Soup Kitchen； as with the unemployed processions； most of those who benefited were unskilled labourers or derelicts： with but few exceptions the unemployed artisans … although their need was just as great as that of the others … avoided the place as if it were infected with the plague。 They were afraid even to pass through the street where it was situated lest anyone seeing them coming from that direction should think they had been there。 But all the same； some of them allowed their children to go there by stealth； by night； to buy some of this charity…tainted food。
Another brilliant scheme； practical and statesmanlike； so different from the wild projects of demented Socialists； was started by the Rev。 Mr Bosher； a popular preacher； the Vicar of the fashionable Church of the Whited Sepulchre。 He collected some subscriptions from a number of semi…imbecile old women who attended his church。 With some of this money he bought a quantity of timber and opened what he called a Labour Yard； where he employed a number of men sawing firewood。 Being a clergyman； and because he said he wanted it for a charitable purpose； of course he obtained the timber very cheaply … for about half what anyone else would have had to pay for it。
The wood…sawing was done piecework。 A log of wood about the size of a railway sleeper had to be sawn into twelve pieces； and each of these had to be chopped into four。 For sawing and chopping one log in this manner the worker was paid ninepence。 One log made two bags of firewood； which were sold for a shilling each … a trifle under the usual price。 The men who delivered the bags were paid three half…pence for each two bags。
As there were such a lot of men wanting to do this work； no one was allowed to do more than three lots in one day … that came to two shillings and threepence … and no one was allowed to do more than two days in one week。
The Vicar had a number of bills printed and displayed in shop windows calling attention to what he was doing； and informing the public that orders could be sent to the Vicarage by post and would receive prompt attention and the fuel could be delivered at any address … Messrs Rushton & Co。 having very kindly lent a handcart for the use of the men employed at the Labour Yard。
As a result of the appearance of this bill； and of the laudatory notices in the columns of the Ananias； the Obscurer； and the Chloroform … the papers did not mind giving the business a free advertisement； because it was a charitable concern … many persons withdrew their custom from those who usually supplied them with firewood； and gave their orders to the Yard； and they had the satisfaction of getting their fuel cheaper than before and of performing a charitable action at the same time。
As a remedy for unemployment this scheme was on a par with the method of the tailor in the fable who thought to lengthen his cloth by cutting a piece off one end and sewing it on to the other； but there was one thing about it that recommended it to the Vicar … it was self…supporting。 He found that there would be no need to use all the money he had extracted from the semi…imbecile old ladies for timber； so he bought himself a Newfoundland dog； an antique set of carved ivory chessmen； and a dozen bottles of whisky with the remainder of the cash。
The reverend gentleman hit upon yet another means of helping the poor。 He wrote a letter to the Weekly Chloroform appealing for cast…off boots for poor children。 This was considered such a splendid idea that the editors of all the local papers referred to it in leading articles； and several other letters were written by prominent citizens extolling the wisdom and benevolence of the profound Bosher。 Most of the boots that were sent in response to this appeal had been worn until they needed repair … in a very large proportion of instances； until they were beyond repair。 The poor people to whom they were given could not afford to have them mended before using them； and the result was that the boots generally began to fall to pieces after a few days' wear。
This scheme amounted to very little。 It did not increase the number of cast…off boots； and most of the people who ‘cast off' their boots generally gave them to someone or other。 The only difference It can have made was that possibly a few persons who usually threw their boots away or sold them to second…hand dealers may have been induced to send them to Mr Bosher instead。 But all the same nearly everybody said it was a splendid idea： its originator was applauded as a public benefactor； and the pettifogging busybodies who amused themselves with what they were pleased to term ‘charitable work' went into imbecile ecstasies over him。
Chapter 36
The OBS
One of the most important agencies for the relief of distress was the Organized Benevolence Society。 This association received money from many sources。 The proceeds of the fancy…dress carnival； the collections from different churches and chapels which held special services in aid of the unemployed； the weekly collections made by the employees of several local firms and business houses； the proceeds of concerts； bazaars； and entertainments； donations from charitable persons； and the subscriptions of the members。 The society also received large quantities of cast…off clothing and boots； and tickets of admission to hospitals； convalescent homes and dispensaries from subscribers to those institutions； or from people like Rushton & Co。； who had collecting…boxes in their workshops and offices。
Altogether during the last year the Society had received from various sources about three hundred pounds in hard cash。 This money was devoted to the relief of cases of distress。
The largest item in the expenditure of the Society was the salary of the General Secretary； Mr Sawney Grinder … a most deserving case … who was paid one hundred pounds a year。
After the death of the previous secretary there were so many candidates for the vacant post that the election of the new secretary was a rather exciting affair。 The excitement was all the more intense because it was restrained。 A special meeting of the society was held： the Mayor； Alderman Sweater； presided； and amongst those present were Councillors Rushton； Didlum and Grinder； Mrs Starvem； Rev。 Mr Bosher； a number of the rich； semi…imbecile old women who had helped to open the Labour Yard； and several other ‘ladies'。 Some of these were the district visitors already alluded to； most of them the wives of wealthy citizens and retired tradesmen； richly dresse