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with impassable fences and forbiddingly expensive turnstiles； but it
added to the ordinary spectacle of meteorology a great variety of
gratuitous fireworks which banged and flared away of a night after
supper and drew me abroad to see them better。 Such walks as I took；
to Croydon； Wembledon； West Wickham and Greenwich； impressed upon me
the interminable extent of London's residential suburbs； mile after
mile one went； between houses； villas； rows of cottages； streets of
shops； under railway arches； over railway bridges。 I have forgotten
the detailed local characteristicsif there were anyof much of
that region altogether。 I was only there two years； and half my
perambulations occurred at dusk or after dark。 But with Penge I
associate my first realisations of the wonder and beauty of twilight
and night； the effect of dark walls reflecting lamplight； and the
mystery of blue haze…veiled hillsides of houses； the glare of shops
by night； the glowing steam and streaming sparks of railway trains
and railway signals lit up in the darkness。 My first rambles in the
evening occurred at PengeI was becoming a big and independent…
spirited boyand I began my experience of smoking during these
twilight prowls with the threepenny packets of American cigarettes
then just appearing in the world。
My life centred upon the City Merchants School。 Usually I caught
the eight…eighteen for Victoria； I had a midday meal and tea； four
nights a week I stayed for preparation； and often I was not back
home again until within an hour of my bedtime。 I spent my half
holidays at school in order to play cricket and football。 This； and
a pretty voracious appetite for miscellaneous reading which was
fostered by the Penge Middleton Library； did not leave me much
leisure for local topography。 On Sundays also I sang in the choir
at St。 Martin's Church； and my mother did not like me to walk out
alone on the Sabbath afternoon； she herself slumbered； so that I
wrote or read at home。 I must confess I was at home as little as I
could contrive。
Home； after my father's death； had become a very quiet and
uneventful place indeed。 My mother had either an unimaginative
temperament or her mind was greatly occupied with private religious
solicitudes； and I remember her talking to me but little； and that
usually upon topics I was anxious to evade。 I had developed my own
view about low…Church theology long before my father's death； and my
meditation upon that event had finished my secret estrangement from
my mother's faith。 My reason would not permit even a remote chance
of his being in hell； he was so manifestly not evil； and this
religion would not permit him a remote chance of being out yet。
When I was a little boy my mother had taught me to read and write
and pray and had done many things for me； indeed she persisted in
washing me and even in making my clothes until I rebelled against
these things as indignities。 But our minds parted very soon。 She
never began to understand the mental processes of my play； she never
interested herself in my school life and work； she could not
understand things I said； and she came； I think； quite insensibly to
regard me with something of the same hopeless perplexity she had
felt towards my father。
Him she must have wedded under considerable delusions。 I do not
think he deceived her； indeed； nor do I suspect him of mercenariness
in their union； but no doubt he played up to her requirements in the
half ingenuous way that was and still is the quality of most wooing；
and presented himself as a very brisk and orthodox young man。 I
wonder why nearly all lovemaking has to be fraudulent。 Afterwards
he must have disappointed her cruelly by letting one aspect after
another of his careless； sceptical； experimental temperament appear。
Her mind was fixed and definite； she embodied all that confidence in
church and decorum and the assurances of the pulpit which was
characteristic of the large mass of the English peoplefor after
all； the rather low…Church section WAS the largest single massin
early Victorian times。 She had dreams； I suspect； of going to
church with him side by side； she in a little poke bonnet and a
large flounced crinoline； all mauve and magenta and starched under a
little lace…trimmed parasol； and he in a tall silk hat and peg…top
trousers and a roll…collar coat； and looking rather like the Prince
Consort；white angels almost visibly raining benedictions on their
amiable progress。 Perhaps she dreamt gently of much…belaced babies
and an interestingly pious （but not too dissenting or fanatical）
little girl or boy or so； also angel…haunted。 And I think； too； she
must have seen herself ruling a seemly 〃home of taste；〃 with a
vivarium in the conservatory that opened out of the drawing…room； or
again； making preserves in the kitchen。 My father's science…
teaching； his diagrams of disembowelled humanity； his pictures of
prehistoric beasts that contradicted the Flood； his disposition
towards soft shirts and loose tweed suits； his inability to use a
clothes brush； his spasmodic reading fits and his bulldog pipes；
must have jarred cruelly with her rather unintelligent
anticipations。 His wild moments of violent temper when he would
swear and smash things； absurd almost lovable storms that passed
like summer thunder； must have been starkly dreadful to her。 She
was constitutionally inadaptable； and certainly made no attempt to
understand or tolerate these outbreaks。 She tried them by her
standards； and by her standards they were wrong。 Her standards hid
him from her。 The blazing things he said rankled in her mind
unforgettably。
As I remember them together they chafed constantly。 Her attitude to
nearly all his moods and all his enterprises was a sceptical
disapproval。 She treated him as something that belonged to me and
not to her。 〃YOUR father；〃 she used to call him； as though I had
got him for her。
She had married late and she had； I think； become mentally self…
subsisting before her marriage。 Even in those Herne Hill days I
used to wonder what was going on in her mind； and I find that old
speculative curiosity return as I write this。 She took a
considerable interest in the housework that our generally
servantless condition put upon hershe used to have a charwoman in
two or three times a weekbut she did not do it with any great
skill。 She covered most of our furniture with flouncey ill…fitting
covers； and she cooked plainly and without very much judgment。 The
Penge house； as it contained nearly all our Bromstead things； was
crowded with furniture； and is chiefly associated in my mind with
the smell of turpentine； a condiment she used very freely upon the
veneered mahogany pieces。 My mother had an equal dread of 〃blacks〃
by day and the 〃night air；〃 so that our brightly clean windows were
rarely open。
She took a morning paper； and she would open it and glance at the
headlines； but she did not read it until the afternoon and then； I
think； she was interested only in the more violent crimes； and in
railway and mine disasters and in the minutest domesticities of the
Royal Family。 Most of the books at home were my father's； and I do
not think she opened any of them。 She had one or two volumes that
dated from her own youth； and she tried in vain to interest me in
them； there was Miss Strickland's QUEENS OF ENGLAND； a book I
remember with particular animosity； and QUEECHY and the WIDE WIDE
WORLD。 She made these books of hers into a class apart by sewing
outer covers upon them of calico and figured muslin。 To me in these
habiliments they seemed not so much books as confederated old
ladies。
My mother was also very punctual with her religious duties； and
rejoiced to watch me in the choir。
On winter evenings she occupied an armchair on the other side of the
table at which I sat； head on hand reading； and she would be darning
stockings or socks or the like。 We achieved an effect of rather
stuffy comfortableness that was soporific； and in a passive way I
think she found these among her happy times。 On such occasions she
was wont to put her work down on her knees and fall into a sort of
thoughtless musing that would last for long intervals and rouse my
curiosity。 For like most young people I could not imagine mental
states without definite forms。
She carried on a correspondence with a number of cousins and
friends； writing letters in a slanting Italian hand and dealing
mainly with births； marriages and deaths； business starts （in the
vaguest terms） and the distresses of bankruptcy。
And yet； you know； she did have a curious intimate life of her own
that I suspected nothing of at the time； that only now becomes
credible to me。 She kept a diary that is still in my posses