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of our return we found other people's houses open to us and eager
for us。 We went out of London for week…ends and dined out； and
began discussing our projects for reciprocating these hospitalities。
As a single man unattached； I had had a wide and miscellaneous
social range； but now I found myself falling into place in a set。
For a time I acquiesced in this。 I went very little to my clubs；
the Climax and the National Liberal； and participated in no bachelor
dinners at all。 For a time； too； I dropped out of the garrulous
literary and journalistic circles I had frequented。 I put up for
the Reform； not so much for the use of the club as a sign of serious
and substantial political standing。 I didn't go up to Cambridge； I
remember； for nearly a year； so occupied was I with my new
adjustments。
The people we found ourselves among at this time were people； to put
it roughly； of the Parliamentary candidate class； or people already
actually placed in the political world。 They ranged between very
considerable wealth and such a hard； bare independence as old
Willersley and the sister who kept house for him possessed。 There
were quite a number of young couples like ourselves； a little
younger and more artless； or a little older and more established。
Among the younger men I had a sort of distinction because of my
Cambridge reputation and my writing； and because； unlike them； I was
an adventurer and had won and married my way into their circles
instead of being naturally there。 They couldn't quite reckon upon
what I should do； they felt I had reserves of experience and
incalculable traditions。 Close to us were the Cramptons； Willie
Crampton； who has since been Postmaster…General； rich and very
important in Rockshire； and his younger brother Edward； who has
specialised in history and become one of those unimaginative men of
letters who are the glory of latter…day England。 Then there was
Lewis； further towards Kensington； where his cousins the Solomons
and the Hartsteins lived； a brilliant representative of his race；
able； industrious and invariably uninspired； with a wife a little in
revolt against the racial tradition of feminine servitude and
inclined to the suffragette point of view； and Bunting Harblow； an
old blue； and with an erratic disposition well under the control of
the able little cousin he had married。 I had known all these men；
but now （with Altiora floating angelically in benediction） they
opened their hearts to me and took me into their order。 They were
all like myself； prospective Liberal candidates； with a feeling that
the period of wandering in the wilderness of opposition was drawing
near its close。 They were all tremendously keen upon social and
political service； and all greatly under the sway of the ideal of a
simple； strenuous life； a life finding its satisfactions in
political achievements and distinctions。 The young wives were as
keen about it as the young husbands； Margaret most of all； and I
whatever elements in me didn't march with the attitudes and habits
of this set were very much in the background during that time。
We would give little dinners and have evening gatherings at which
everything was very simple and very good； with a slight but
perceptible austerity； and there was more good fruit and flowers and
less perhaps in the way of savouries； patties and entrees than was
customary。 Sherry we banished； and Marsala and liqueurs； and there
was always good home…made lemonade available。 No men waited； but
very expert parlourmaids。 Our meat was usually Welsh muttonI
don't know why； unless that mountains have ever been the last refuge
of the severer virtues。 And we talked politics and books and ideas
and Bernard Shaw （who was a department by himself and supposed in
those days to be ethically sound at bottom）； and mingled with the
intellectualsI myself was； as it were； a promoted intellectual。
The Cramptons had a tendency to read good things aloud on their less
frequented receptions； but I have never been able to participate
submissively in this hyper…digestion of written matter； and
generally managed to provoke a disruptive debate。 We were all very
earnest to make the most of ourselves and to be and do； and I wonder
still at times； with an unassuaged perplexity； how it is that in
that phase of utmost earnestness I have always seemed to myself to
be most remote from reality。
2
I look back now across the detaching intervention of sixteen crowded
years； critically and I fancy almost impartially； to those
beginnings of my married life。 I try to recall something near to
their proper order the developing phases of relationship。 I am
struck most of all by the immense unpremeditated； generous…spirited
insincerities upon which Margaret and I were building。
It seems to me that here I have to tell perhaps the commonest
experience of all among married educated people； the deliberate；
shy； complex effort to fill the yawning gaps in temperament as they
appear； the sustained； failing attempt to bridge abysses； level
barriers； evade violent pressures。 I have come these latter years
of my life to believe that it is possible for a man and woman to be
absolutely real with one another； to stand naked souled to each
other； unashamed and unafraid； because of the natural all…glorifying
love between them。 It is possible to love and be loved untroubling；
as a bird flies through the air。 But it is a rare and intricate
chance that brings two people within sight of that essential union；
and for the majority marriage must adjust itself on other terms。
Most coupled people never really look at one another。 They look a
little away to preconceived ideas。 And each from the first days of
love…making HIDES from the other； is afraid of disappointing； afraid
of offending； afraid of discoveries in either sense。 They build not
solidly upon the rock of truth； but upon arches and pillars and
queer provisional supports that are needed to make a common
foundation； and below in the imprisoned darknesses； below the fine
fabric they sustain together begins for each of them a cavernous
hidden life。 Down there things may be prowling that scarce ever
peep out to consciousness except in the grey half…light of sleepless
nights； passions that flash out for an instant in an angry glance
and are seen no more； starved victims and beautiful dreams bricked
up to die。 For the most of us there is no jail delivery of those
inner depths； and the life above goes on to its honourable end。
I have told how I loved Margaret and how I came to marry her。
Perhaps already unintentionally I have indicated the quality of the
injustice our marriage did us both。 There was no kindred between us
and no understanding。 We were drawn to one another by the
unlikeness of our quality； by the things we misunderstood in each
other。 I know a score of couples who have married in that fashion。
Modern conditions and modern ideas； and in particular the intenser
and subtler perceptions of modern life； press more and more heavily
upon a marriage tie whose fashion comes from an earlier and less
discriminating time。 When the wife was her husband's subordinate；
meeting him simply and uncritically for simple ends； when marriage
was a purely domestic relationship； leaving thought and the vivid
things of life almost entirely to the unencumbered man； mental and
temperamental incompatibilities mattered comparatively little。 But
now the wife； and particularly the loving childless wife；
unpremeditatedly makes a relentless demand for a complete
association； and the husband exacts unthought of delicacies of
understanding and co…operation。 These are stupendous demands。
People not only think more fully and elaborately about life than
they ever did before； but marriage obliges us to make that ever more
accidented progress a three…legged race of carelessly assorted
couples。 。 。 。
Our very mental texture was different。 I was rough…minded； to use
the phrase of William James； primary and intuitive and illogical；
she was tender…minded； logical； refined and secondary。 She was
loyal to pledge and persons； sentimental and faithful； I am loyal to
ideas and instincts； emotional and scheming。 My imagination moves
in broad gestures； her's was delicate with a real dread of
extravagance。 My quality is sensuous and ruled by warm impulses；
hers was discriminating and essentially inhibitory。 I like the
facts of the case and to mention everything； I like naked bodies and
the jolly smells of things。 She abounded in reservations； in
circumlocutions and evasions； in keenly appreciated secondary
points。 Perhaps the reader knows that Tintoretto in the National
Gallery； the Origin of the Milky Way。 It is an admirable test of
tempera…ment