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Gallery； the Origin of the Milky Way。 It is an admirable test of
tempera…mental quality。 In spite of my early training I have come
to regard that picture as altogether delightful； to Margaret it has
always been 〃needlessly offensive。〃 In that you have our
fundamental breach。 She had a habit； by no means rare； of damning
what she did not like or find sympathetic in me on the score that it
was not my 〃true self；〃 and she did not so much accept the universe
as select from it and do her best to ignore the rest。 And also I
had far more initiative than had she。 This is no catalogue of
rights and wrongs； or superiorities and inferiorities； it is a
catalogue of differences between two people linked in a relationship
that constantly becomes more intolerant of differences。
This is how we stood to each other； and none of it was clear to
either of us at the outset。 To begin with； I found myself reserving
myself from her； then slowly apprehending a jarring between our
minds and what seemed to me at first a queer little habit of
misunderstanding in her。 。 。 。
It did not hinder my being very fond of her。 。 。 。
Where our system of reservation became at once most usual and most
astounding was in our personal relations。 It is not too much to say
that in that regard we never for a moment achieved sincerity with
one another during the first six years of our life together。 It
goes even deeper than that； for in my effort to realise the ideal of
my marriage I ceased even to attempt to be sincere with myself。 I
would not admit my own perceptions and interpretations。 I tried to
fit myself to her thinner and finer determinations。 There are
people who will say with a note of approval that I was learning to
conquer myself。 I record that much without any note of approval。 。 。 。
For some years I never deceived Margaret about any concrete fact
nor； except for the silence about my earlier life that she had
almost forced upon me； did I hide any concrete fact that seemed to
affect her； but from the outset I was guilty of immense spiritual
concealments； my very marriage was based； I see now； on a spiritual
subterfuge； I hid moods from her； pretended feelings。 。 。 。
3
The interest and excitement of setting…up a house； of walking about
it from room to room and from floor to floor； or sitting at one's
own dinner table and watching one's wife control conversation with a
pretty； timid resolution； of taking a place among the secure and
free people of our world； passed almost insensibly into the interest
and excitement of my Parliamentary candidature for the Kinghamstead
Division； that shapeless chunk of agricultural midland between the
Great Western and the North Western railways。 I was going to 〃take
hold〃 at last； the Kinghamstead Division was my appointed handle。 I
was to find my place in the rather indistinctly sketched
constructions that were implicit in the minds of all our circle。
The precise place I had to fill and the precise functions I had to
discharge were not as yet very clear； but all that； we felt sure；
would become plain as things developed。
A few brief months of vague activities of 〃nursing〃 gave place to
the excitements of the contest that followed the return of Mr。
Camphell…Bannerman to power in 1905。 So far as the Kinghamstead
Division was concerned it was a depressed and tepid battle。 I went
about the constituency making three speeches that were soon
threadbare； and an odd little collection of people worked for me；
two solicitors； a cheap photographer； a democratic parson； a number
of dissenting ministers； the Mayor of Kinghamstead； a Mrs。 Bulger；
the widow of an old Chartist who had grown rich through electric
traction patents； Sir Roderick Newton； a Jew who had bought
Calersham Castle； and old Sir Graham Rivers； that sturdy old
soldier； were among my chief supporters。 We had headquarters in
each town and village； mostly there were empty shops we leased
temporarily； and there at least a sort of fuss and a coming and
going were maintained。 The rest of the population stared in a state
of suspended judgment as we went about the business。 The country
was supposed to be in a state of intellectual conflict and
deliberate decision； in history it will no doubt figure as a
momentous conflict。 Yet except for an occasional flare of bill…
sticking or a bill in a window or a placard…plastered motor…car or
an argumentative group of people outside a public…house or a
sluggish movement towards the schoolroom or village hall； there was
scarcely a sign that a great empire was revising its destinies。 Now
and then one saw a canvasser on a doorstep。 For the most part
people went about their business with an entirely irresponsible
confidence in the stability of the universe。 At times one felt a
little absurd with one's flutter of colours and one's air of saving
the country。
My opponent was a quite undistinguished Major…General who relied
upon his advocacy of Protection； and was particularly anxious we
should avoid 〃personalities〃 and fight the constituency in a
gentlemanly spirit。 He was always writing me notes； apologising for
excesses on the part of his supporters； or pointing out the
undesirability of some course taken by mine。
My speeches had been planned upon broad lines； but they lost touch
with these as the polling approached。 To begin with I made a real
attempt to put what was in my mind before the people I was to supply
with a political voice。 I spoke of the greatness of our empire and
its destinies； of the splendid projects and possibilities of life
and order that lay before the world； of all that a resolute and
constructive effort might do at the present time。 〃We are building
a state；〃 I said； 〃secure and splendid； we are in the dawn of the
great age of mankind。〃 Sometimes that would get a solitary 〃'Ear！
'ear！〃 Then having created； as I imagined； a fine atmosphere； I
turned upon the history of the last Conservative administration and
brought it into contrast with the wide occasions of the age；
discussed its failure to control the grasping financiers in South
Africa； its failure to release public education from sectarian
squabbles； its misconduct of the Boer War； its waste of the world's
resources。 。 。 。
It soon became manifest that my opening and my general spaciousness
of method bored my audiences a good deal。 The richer and wider my
phrases the thinner sounded my voice in these non…resonating
gatherings。 Even the platform supporters grew restive
unconsciously； and stirred and coughed。 They did not recognise
themselves as mankind。 Building an empire； preparing a fresh stage
in the history of humanity； had no appeal for them。 They were
mostly everyday； toiling people； full of small personal solicitudes；
and they came to my meetings； I think； very largely as a relaxation。
This stuff was not relaxing。 They did not think politics was a
great constructive process； they thought it was a kind of dog…fight。
They wanted fun； they wanted spice； they wanted hits； they wanted
also a chance to say 〃'Ear'； 'ear！〃 in an intelligent and honourable
manner and clap their hands and drum with their feet。 The great
constructive process in history gives so little scope for clapping
and drumming and saying 〃'Ear； 'ear！〃 One might as well think of
hounding on the solar system。
So after one or two attempts to lift my audiences to the level of
the issues involved； I began to adapt myself to them。 I cut down my
review of our imperial outlook and destinies more and more； and
developed a series of hits and anecdotes andwhat shall I call
them？〃crudifications〃 of the issue。 My helper's congratulated me
on the rapid improvement of my platform style。 I ceased to speak of
the late Prime Minister with the respect I bore him； and began to
fall in with the popular caricature of him as an artful rabbit…
witted person intent only on keeping his leadership； in spite of the
vigorous attempts of Mr。 Joseph Chamberlain to oust him therefrom。
I ceased to qualify my statement that Protection would make food
dearer for the agricultural labourer。 I began to speak of Mr。
Alfred Lyttelton as an influence at once insane and diabolical； as a
man inspired by a passionate desire to substitute manacled but still
criminal Chinese for honest British labourers throughout the world。
And when it came to the mention of our own kindly leader； of Mr。
John Burns or any one else of any prominence at all on our side I
fell more and more into the intonation of one who mentions the high
gods。 And I had my reward in brighter meetings and readier and
readier applause。
One goes on from phase to phase in these things。
〃After all；〃 I told myself； 〃if one wants to get to Westminster one
must follow