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see things as I do now in terms of personality and imaginative
range。 。 。 。〃 I stopped。 Her stiff； unhappy； unlistening silence
broke up my disquisition。
〃After all；〃 I remarked； 〃most of this has been implicit in my
writings。〃
She made no sign of admission。
〃What are you going to do？〃 she asked。
〃Keep my seat for a time and make the reasons of my breach clear。
Then either I must resign orprobably this new Budget will lead to
a General Election。 It's evidently meant to strain the Lords and
provoke a quarrel。〃
〃You might； I think； have stayed to fight for the Budget。〃
〃I'm not；〃 I said； 〃so keen against the Lords。〃
On that we halted。
〃But what are you going to do？〃 she asked。
〃I shall make my quarrel over some points in the Budget。 I can't
quite tell you yet where my chance will come。 Then I shall either
resign my seator if things drift to dissolution I shall stand
again。〃
〃It's political suicide。〃
〃Not altogether。〃
〃I can't imagine you out of Parliament again。 It's just likelike
undoing all we have done。 What will you do？〃
〃Write。 Make a new； more definite place for myself。 You know； of
course； there's already a sort of group about Crupp and Gane。〃
Margaret seemed lost for a time in painful thought。
〃For me；〃 she said at last； 〃our political work has been a religion
it has been more than a religion。〃
I heard in silence。 I had no form of protest available against the
implications of that。
〃And then I find you turning against all we aimed to dotalking of
going over； almost lightlyto those others。〃 。 。 。
She was white…lipped as she spoke。 In the most curious way she had
captured the moral values of the situation。 I found myself
protesting ineffectually against her fixed conviction。 〃It's
because I think my duty lies in this change that I make it；〃 I said。
〃I don't see how you can say that；〃 she replied quietly。
There was another pause between us。
〃Oh！〃 she said and clenched her hand upon the table。 〃That it
should have come to this！〃
She was extraordinarily dignified and extraordinarily absurd。 She
was hurt and thwarted beyond measure。 She had no place in her
ideas； I thought； for me。 I could see how it appeared to her； but I
could not make her see anything of the intricate process that had
brought me to this divergence。 The opposition of our intellectual
temperaments was like a gag in my mouth。 What was there for me to
say？ A flash of intuition told me that behind her white dignity was
a passionate disappointment； a shattering of dreams that needed
before everything else the relief of weeping。
〃I've told you；〃 I said awkwardly； 〃as soon as I could。〃
There was another long silence。 〃So that is how we stand；〃 I said
with an air of having things defined。 I walked slowly to the door。
She had risen and stood now staring in front of her。
〃Good…night；〃 I said； making no movement towards our habitual kiss。
〃Good…night；〃 she answered in a tragic note。 。 。 。
I closed the door softly。 I remained for a moment or so on the big
landing； hesitating between my bedroom and my study。 As I did so I
heard the soft rustle of her movement and the click of the key in
her bedroom door。 Then everything was still。 。 。 。
She hid her tears from me。 Something gripped my heart at the
thought。
〃Damnation！〃 I said wincing。 〃Why the devil can't people at least
THINK in the same manner？〃
2
And that insufficient colloquy was the beginning of a prolonged
estrangement between us。 It was characteristic of our relations
that we never reopened the discussion。 The thing had been in the
air for some time； we had recognised it now； the widening breach
between us was confessed。 My own feelings were curiously divided。
It is remarkable that my very real affection for Margaret only
became evident to me with this quarrel。 The changes of the heart
are very subtle changes。 I am quite unaware how or when my early
romantic love for her purity and beauty and high…principled devotion
evaporated from my life； but I do know that quite early in my
parliamentary days there had come a vague； unconfessed resentment at
the tie that seemed to hold me in servitude to her standards of
private living and public act。 I felt I was caught； and none the
less so because it had been my own act to rivet on my shackles。 So
long as I still held myself bound to her that resentment grew。 Now；
since I had broken my bonds and taken my line it withered again； and
I could think of Margaret with a returning kindliness。
But I still felt embarrassment with her。 I felt myself dependent
upon her for house room and food and social support； as it were
under false pretences。 I would have liked to have separated our
financial affairs altogether。 But I knew that to raise the issue
would have seemed a last brutal indelicacy。 So I tried almost
furtively to keep my personal expenditure within the scope of the
private income I made by writing； and we went out together in her
motor brougham； dined and made appearances； met politely at
breakfastparted at night with a kiss upon her cheek。 The locking
of her door upon me； which at that time I quite understood； which I
understand now； became for a time in my mind； through some obscure
process of the soul； an offence。 I never crossed the landing to her
room again。
In all this matter； and； indeed； in all my relations with Margaret；
I perceive now I behaved badly and foolishly。 My manifest blunder
is that I； who was several years older than she； much subtler and in
many ways wiser； never in any measure sought to guide and control
her。 After our marriage I treated her always as an equal； and let
her go her way； held her responsible for all the weak and
ineffective and unfortunate things she said and did to me。 She
wasn't clever enough to justify that。 It wasn't fair to expect her
to sympathise； anticipate； and understand。 I ought to have taken
care of her； roped her to me when it came to crossing the difficult
places。 If I had loved her more； and wiselier and more tenderly； if
there had not been the consciousness of my financial dependence on
her always stiffening my pride； I think she would have moved with me
from the outset； and left the Liberals with me。 But she did not get
any inkling of the ends I sought in my change of sides。 It must
have seemed to her inexplicable perversity。 She had； I knewfor
surely I knew it thenan immense capacity for loyalty and devotion。
There she was with these treasures untouched； neglected and
perplexed。 A woman who loves wants to give。 It is the duty and
business of the man she has married for love to help her to help and
give。 But I was stupid。 My eyes had never been opened。 I was
stiff with her and difficult to her； because even on my wedding
morning there had been； deep down in my soul； voiceless though
present； something weakly protesting； a faint perception of wrong…
doing； the infinitesimally small； slow…multiplying germs of shame。
3
I made my breach with the party on the Budget。
In many ways I was disposed to regard the 1909 Budget as a fine
piece of statecraft。 Its production was certainly a very unexpected
display of vigour on the Liberal side。 But； on the whole； this
movement towards collectivist organisation on the part of the
Liberals rather strengthened than weakened my resolve to cross the
floor of the house。 It made it more necessary； I thought； to leaven
the purely obstructive and reactionary elements that were at once
manifest in the opposition。 I assailed the land taxation proposals
in one main speech； and a series of minor speeches in committee。
The line of attack I chose was that the land was a great public
service that needed to be controlled on broad and far…sighted lines。
I had no objection to its nationalisation； but I did object most
strenuously to the idea of leaving it in private hands； and
attempting to produce beneficial social results through the pressure
of taxation upon the land…owning class。 That might break it up in
an utterly disastrous way。 The drift of the government proposals
was all in the direction of sweating the landowner to get immediate
values from his property； and such a course of action was bound to
give us an irritated and vindictive land…owning class； the class
upon which we had hitherto reliednot unjustifiablyfor certain
broad； patriotic services and an influence upon our collective
judgments that no other class seemed prepared to exercise。 Abolish
landlordism if you will； I said； buy it out； but do not drive it to
a defensive fight； and leave it still sufficiently strong and
wealthy to become a malcontent element in your state。 You have