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abruptly。
I looked up at her； a little perplexed。
〃Dear heart；〃 said I； 〃isn't this enough？ You're my councillor； my
colleague； my right hand； the secret soul of my life〃
〃And I want to darn your socks；〃 she said； smiling back at me。
〃You're insatiable。〃
She smiled 〃No；〃 she said。 〃I'm not insatiable； Master。 But I'm a
woman in love。 And I'm finding out what I want； and what is
necessary to meand what I can't have。 That's all。〃
〃We get a lot。〃
〃We want a lot。 You and I are greedy people for the things we like；
Master。 It's very evident we've got nearly all we can ever have of
one anotherand I'm not satisfied。〃
〃What more is there？
〃For youvery little。 I wonder。 For meevery thing。 Yes
everything。 You didn't mean it； Master； you didn't know any more
than I did when I began； but love between a man and a woman is
sometimes very one…sided。 Fearfully one…sided！ That's all。 。 。 。〃
〃Don't YOU ever want children？〃 she said abruptly。
〃I suppose I do。〃
〃You don't！〃
〃I haven't thought of them。〃
〃A man doesn't； perhaps。 But I have。 。 。 。 I want themlike
hunger。 YOUR children； and home with you。 Really； continually you！
That's the trouble。 。 。 。 I can't have 'em； Master； and I can't
have you。〃
She was crying； and through her tears she laughed。
〃I'm going to make a scene；〃 she said； 〃and get this over。 I'm so
discontented and miserable； I've got to tell you。 It would come
between us if I didn't。 I'm in love with you； with everythingwith
all my brains。 I'll pull through all right。 I'll be good； Master；
never you fear。 But to…day I'm crying out with all my being。 This
electionYou're going up； you're going on。 In these papersyou're
a great big fact。 It's suddenly come home to me。 At the back of my
mind I've always had the idea I was going to have you somehow
presently for myselfI mean to have you to go long tramps with； to
keep house for； to get meals for； to watch for of an evening。 It's
a sort of habitual background to my thought of you。 And it's
nonsenseutter nonsense！〃 She stopped。 She was crying and
choking。 〃And the child； you knowthe child！〃
I was troubled beyond measure； but Handitch and its intimations were
clear and strong。
〃We can't have that；〃 I said。
〃No；〃 she said； 〃we can't have that。〃
〃We've got our own things to do。〃
〃YOUR things；〃 she said。
〃Aren't they yours too？〃
〃Because of you；〃 she said。
〃Aren't they your very own things？〃
〃Women don't have that sort of very own thing。 Indeed； it's true！
And think！ You've been down there preaching the goodness of
children； telling them the only good thing in a state is happy；
hopeful children； working to free mothers and children〃
〃And we give our own children to do it？〃 I said。
〃Yes；〃 she said。 〃And sometimes I think it's too much to givetoo
much altogether。 。 。 。 Children get into a woman's brainwhen she
mustn't have them； especially when she must never hope for them。
Think of the child we might have now！the little creature with
soft； tender skin； and little hands and little feet！ At times it
haunts me。 It comes and says； Why wasn't I given life？ I can hear
it in the night。 。 。 。 The world is full of such little ghosts；
dear loverlittle things that asked for life and were refused。
They clamour to me。 It's like a little fist beating at my heart。
Love children； beautiful children。 Little cold hands that tear at
my heart！ Oh； my heart and my lord！〃 She was holding my arm with
both her hands and weeping against it； and now she drew herself to
my shoulder and wept and sobbed in my embrace。 〃I shall never sit
with your child on my knee and you beside me…never； and I am a woman
and your lover！ 。 。 。〃
2
But the profound impossibility of our relation was now becoming more
and more apparent to us。 We found ourselves seeking justification；
clinging passionately to a situation that was coldly； pitilessly；
impossible and fated。 We wanted quite intensely to live together
and have a child； but also we wanted very many other things that
were incompatible with these desires。 It was extraordinarily
difficult to weigh our political and intellectual ambitions against
those intimate wishes。 The weights kept altering according as one
found oneself grasping this valued thing or that。 It wasn't as if
we could throw everything aside for our love； and have that as we
wanted it。 Love such as we bore one another isn't altogether； or
even chiefly； a thing in itselfit is for the most part a value set
upon things。 Our love was interwoven with all our other interests；
to go out of the world and live in isolation seemed to us like
killing the best parts of each other； we loved the sight of each
other engaged finely and characteristically； we knew each other best
as activities。 We had no delusions about material facts； we didn't
want each other alive or dead； we wanted each other fully alive。 We
wanted to do big things together； and for us to take each other
openly and desperately would leave us nothing in the world to do。
We wanted children indeed passionately； but children with every
helpful chance in the world； and children born in scandal would be
handicapped at every turn。 We wanted to share a home； and not a
solitude。
And when we were at this stage of realisation； began the intimations
that we were found out； and that scandal was afoot against us。 。 。 。
I heard of it first from Esmeer； who deliberately mentioned it； with
that steady grey eye of his watching me； as an instance of the
preposterous falsehoods people will circulate。 It came to Isabel
almost simultaneously through a married college friend； who made it
her business to demand either confirmation or denial。 It filled us
both with consternation。 In the surprise of the moment Isabel
admitted her secret； and her friend went off 〃reserving her freedom
of action。〃
Discovery broke out in every direction。 Friends with grave faces
and an atmosphere of infinite tact invaded us both。 Other friends
ceased to invade either of us。 It was manifest we had becomewe
knew not howa private scandal； a subject for duologues； an
amazement； a perplexity； a vivid interest。 In a few brief weeks it
seemed London passed from absolute unsuspiciousness to a chattering
exaggeration of its knowledge of our relations。
It was just the most inappropriate time for that disclosure。 The
long smouldering antagonism to my endowment of motherhood ideas had
flared up into an active campaign in the EXPURGATOR； and it would be
altogether disastrous to us if I should be convicted of any personal
irregularity。 It was just because of the manifest and challenging
respectability of my position that I had been able to carry the
thing as far as I had done。 Now suddenly my fortunes had sprung a
leak； and scandal was pouring in。 。 。 。 It chanced； too； that a
wave of moral intolerance was sweeping through London； one of those
waves in which the bitterness of the consciously just finds an ally
in the panic of the undiscovered。 A certain Father Blodgett had
been preaching against social corruption with extraordinary force；
and had roused the Church of England people to a kind of competition
in denunciation。 The old methods of the Anti…Socialist campaign had
been renewed； and had offered far too wide a scope and too tempting
an opportunity for private animosity； to be restricted to the
private affairs of the Socialists。 I had intimations of an
extensive circulation of 〃private and confidential〃 letters。 。 。 。
I think there can be nothing else in life quite like the unnerving
realisation that rumour and scandal are afoot about one。 Abruptly
one's confidence in the solidity of the universe disappears。 One
walks silenced through a world that one feels to be full of
inaudible accusations。 One cannot challenge the assault； get it out
into the open； separate truth and falsehood。 It slinks from you；
turns aside its face。 Old acquaintances suddenly evaded me； made
extraordinary excuses； men who had presumed on the verge of my world
and pestered me with an intrusive enterprise； now took the bold step
of flat repudiation。 I became doubtful about the return of a nod；
retracted all those tentacles of easy civility that I had hitherto
spread to the world。 I still grow warm with amazed indignation when
I recall that Edward Crampton； meeting me full on the steps of the
Climax Club； cut me dead。 〃By God！〃 I cried； and came near catching
him by the throat and wringing out of him what of all good deeds and
bad； could hearten him； a younger man than I and empty beyond
comparison； to dare to play the judge to me。 And then I had an open
slight from Mrs。 Millingham； whom I h