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wasn't human；〃 I said； and remembered that last despairing cry； 〃My
God！ My God！ why hast Thou forsaken Me？〃
〃Oh； HE forsakes every one；〃 I said； flying out as a tired mind
will； with an obvious repartee。 。 。 。
I passed at a bound from such monstrous theology to a towering rage
against the Baileys。 In an instant and with no sense of absurdity I
wantedin the intervals of love and fine thinkingto fling about
that strenuously virtuous couple； I wanted to kick Keyhole of the
PEEPSHOW into the gutter and make a common massacre of all the
prosperous rascaldom that makes a trade and rule of virtue。 I can
still feel that transition。 In a moment I had reached that phase of
weakly decisive anger which is for people of my temperament the
concomitant of exhaustion。
〃I will have her；〃 I cried。 〃By Heaven！ I WILL have her！ Life
mocks me and cheats me。 Nothing can be made good to me again。 。 。 。
Why shouldn't I save what I can？ I can't save myself without
her。 。 。 。〃
I remember myselfas a sort of anti…climax to thatrather
tediously asking my way home。 I was somewhere in the neighbourhood
of Holland Park。 。 。 。
It was then between one and two。 I felt that I could go home now
without any risk of meeting Margaret。 It had been the thought of
returning to Margaret that had sent me wandering that night。 It is
one of the ugliest facts I recall about that time of crisis； the
intense aversion I felt for Margaret。 No sense of her goodness； her
injury and nobility； and the enormous generosity of her forgiveness；
sufficed to mitigate that。 I hope now that in this book I am able
to give something of her silvery splendour； but all through this
crisis I felt nothing of that。 There was a triumphant kindliness
about her that I found intolerable。 She meant to be so kind to me；
to offer unstinted consolation； to meet my needs； to supply just all
she imagined Isabel had given me。
When I left Tarvrille's； I felt I could anticipate exactly how she
would meet my homecoming。 She would be perplexed by my crumpled
shirt front； on which I had spilt some drops of wine； she would
overlook that by an effort； explain it sentimentally； resolve it
should make no difference to her。 She would want to know who had
been present； what we had talked about； show the alertest interest
in whatever it wasit didn't matter what。 。 。 。 No； I couldn't
face her。
So I did not reach my study until two o'clock。
There； I remember； stood the new and very beautiful old silver
candlesticks that she had set there two days since to please methe
foolish kindliness of it！ But in her search for expression；
Margaret heaped presents upon me。 She had fitted these candlesticks
with electric lights； and I must； I suppose； have lit them to write
my note to Isabel。 〃Give me a wordthe world aches without you；〃
was all I scrawled； though I fully meant that she should come to me。
I knew； though I ought not to have known； that now she had left her
flat； she was with the Balfesshe was to have been married from the
Balfesand I sent my letter there。 And I went out into the silent
square and posted the note forthwith； because I knew quite clearly
that if I left it until morning I should never post it at all。
3
I had a curious revulsion of feeling that morning of our meeting。
（Of all places for such a clandestine encounter she had chosen the
bridge opposite Buckingham Palace。） Overnight I had been full of
self pity； and eager for the comfort of Isabel's presence。 But the
ill…written scrawl in which she had replied had been full of the
suggestion of her own weakness and misery。 And when I saw her； my
own selfish sorrows were altogether swept away by a wave of pitiful
tenderness。 Something had happened to her that I did not
understand。 She was manifestly ill。 She came towards me wearily；
she who had always borne herself so bravely； her shoulders seemed
bent； and her eyes were tired； and her face white and drawn。 All my
life has been a narrow self…centred life； no brothers； no sisters or
children or weak things had ever yet made any intimate appeal to me；
and suddenlyI verily believe for the first time in my life！I
felt a great passion of protective ownership； I felt that here was
something that I could die to shelter； something that meant more
than joy or pride or splendid ambitions or splendid creation to me；
a new kind of hold upon me； a new power in the world。 Some sealed
fountain was opened in my breast。 I knew that I could love Isabel
broken； Isabel beaten； Isabel ugly and in pain； more than I could
love any sweet or delightful or glorious thing in life。 I didn't
care any more for anything in the world but Isabel； and that I
should protect her。 I trembled as I came near her； and could
scarcely speak to her for the emotion that filled me。 。 。 。
〃I had your letter；〃 I said。
〃I had yours。〃
〃Where can we talk？〃
I remember my lame sentences。 〃We'll have a boat。 That's best
here。〃
I took her to the little boat…house； and there we hired a boat； and
I rowed in silence under the bridge and into the shade of a tree。
The square grey stone masses of the Foreign Office loomed through
the twigs； I remember； and a little space of grass separated us from
the pathway and the scrutiny of passers…by。 And there we talked。
〃I had to write to you；〃 I said。
〃I had to come。〃
〃When are you to be married？〃
〃Thursday week。〃
〃Well？〃 I said。 〃Butcan we？〃
She leant forward and scrutinised my face with eyes wide open。
〃What do you mean？〃 she said at last in a whisper。
〃Can we stand it？ After all？〃
I looked at her white face。 〃Can you？〃 I said。
She whispered。 〃Your career？〃
Then suddenly her face was contorted；she wept silently； exactly as
a child tormented beyond endurance might suddenly weep。 。 。 。
〃Oh！ I don't care；〃 I cried； 〃now。 I don't care。 Damn the whole
system of things！ Damn all this patching of the irrevocable！ I
want to take care of you； Isabel！ and have you with me。〃
〃I can't stand it；〃 she blubbered。
〃You needn't stand it。 I thought it was best for you。 。 。 。 I
thought indeed it was best for you。 I thought even you wanted it
like that。〃
〃Couldn't I live aloneas I meant to do？〃
〃No；〃 I said； 〃you couldn't。 You're not strong enough。 I've
thought of that； I've got to shelter you。〃
〃And I want you；〃 I went on。 〃I'm not strong enoughI can't stand
life without you。〃
She stopped weeping； she made a great effort to control herself； and
looked at me steadfastly for a moment。 〃I was going to kill
myself；〃 she whispered。 〃I was going to kill myself quietly
somehow。 I meant to wait a bit and have an accident。 I thought
you didn't understand。 You were a man； and couldn't understand。 。 。 。〃
〃People can't do as we thought we could do；〃 I said。 〃We've gone
too far together。〃
〃Yes；〃 she said； and I stared into her eyes。
〃The horror of it；〃 she whispered。 〃The horror of being handed
over。 It's just only begun to dawn upon me； seeing him now as I do。
He tries to be kind to me。 。 。 。 I didn't know。 I felt adventurous
before。 。 。 。 It makes me feel like all the women in the world who
have ever been owned and subdued。 。 。 。 It's not that he isn't the
best of men； it's because I'm a part of you。 。 。 。 I can't go
through with it。 If I go through with it； I shall be leftrobbed
of prideoutrageda woman beaten。 。 。 。〃
〃I know；〃 I said； 〃I know。〃
〃I want to live alone。 。 。 。 I don't care for anything now but just
escape。 If you can help me。 。 。 。〃
〃I must take you away。 There's nothing for us but to go away
together。〃
〃But your work；〃 she said； 〃your career！ Margaret！ Our promises！〃
〃We've made a mess of things； Isabelor things have made a mess of
us。 I don't know which。 Our flags are in the mud； anyhow。 It's
too late to save those other things！ They have to go。 You can't
make terms with defeat。 I thought it was Margaret needed me most。
But it's you。 And I need you。 I didn't think of that either。 I
haven't a doubt left in the world now。 We've got to leave
everything rather than leave each other。 I'm sure of it。 Now we
have gone so far。 We've got to go right down to earth and begin
again。 。 。 。 Dear； I WANT disgrace with you。 。 。 。〃
So I whispered to her as she sat crumpled together on the faded
cushions of the boat； this white and weary young woman who had been
so valiant and careless a girl。 〃I don't care；〃 I said。 〃I don't
care for anything； if I can save you out of the wreckage we have
made together。〃
4
The next day I went to the office of the BLUE WEEKLY in order to get
as much as possible of its affairs in working order before I le