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〃I didn't mean that；〃 he explained desperately。 〃My Godto feel you； to
have you in my arms！ I was sorry because I frightened you。 But when
you came near me that way I just couldn't help it。 You drove me to it。〃
〃Drove you to it！〃
〃You don't understand； you don't know howhow wonderful you are。 You
make me crazy。 I love you； I want you as I've never wanted any woman
beforein a different way。 I can't explain it。 I've got so that I
can't live without you。〃 He flung his arm toward the lights of the
mills。 〃Thatthat used to be everything to me； I lived for it。 I don't
say I've been a saintbut I never really cared anything about any woman
until I knew you； until that day I went through the office and saw you
what you were。 You don't understand； I tell you。 I'm sorry for what I
did to…day because it offended youbut you drove me to it。 Most of the
time you seem cold； you're like an iceberg； you make me think you hate
me； and then all of a sudden you'll be kind； as you were the other night；
as you seemed this afternoonyou make me think I've got a chance； and
then； when you came near me； when you touched my handwhy； I didn't know
what I was doing。 I just had to have you。 A man like me can't stand
it。〃
〃Then I'd better go away；〃 she said。 〃I ought to have gone long ago。〃
〃Why？〃 he cried。 〃Why？ What's your reason？ Why do you want to ruin my
life？ You'veyou've woven yourself into ityou're a part of it。 I
never knew what it was to care for a woman before； I tell you。 There's
that mill；〃 he repeated； naively。 〃I've made it the best mill in the
country； I've got the biggest order that ever came to any millif you
went away I wouldn't care a continental about it。 If you went away I
wouldn't have any ambition left。 Because you're a part of it； don't you
see？ Youyou sort of stand for it now； in my mind。 I'm not literary； I
can't express what I'd like to say； but sometimes I used to think of that
mill as a womanand now you've come along〃 Ditmar stopped； for lack of
adequate eloquence。
She smiled in the darkness at his boyish fervour；one of the aspects of
the successful Ditmar； the Ditmar of great affairs； that appealed to her
most strongly。 She was softened； touched； she felt； too； a responsive
thrill to such a desire as his。 Yet she did not reply。 She could not。
She was learning that emotion is never simple。 And some inhibition； the
identity of which was temporarily obscured still persisted； pervading her
consciousness。。。。
They were crossing the bridge at Stanley Street； now deserted； and by
common consent they paused in the middle of it； leaning on the rail。 The
hideous chocolate factory on the point was concealed by the night；only
the lights were there； trembling on the surface of the river。 Against
the flushed sky above the city were silhouetted the high chimneys of the
power plant。 Ditmar's shoulder touched hers。 He was still pleading； but
she seemed rather to be listening to the symphony of the unseen waters
falling over the dam。 His words were like that； suggestive of a torrent
into which she longed to fling herself； yet refrained； without knowing
why。 Her hands tightened on the rail； suddenly she let it go； and led
the way toward the unfrequented district of the south side。 It was the
road to Silliston； but she had forgotten that。 Ditmar； regaining her
side； continued his pleading。 He spoke of his loneliness； which he had
never realized。 He needed her。 And she experienced an answering pang。
It still seemed incredible that he； too； who had so much； should feel
that gnawing need for human sympathy and understanding that had so often
made her unhappy。 And because of the response his need aroused in her
she did not reflect whether he could fulfil her own need； whether he
could ever understand her； whether； at any time； she could unreservedly
pour herself out to him。
〃I don't see why you want me；〃 she interrupted him at last。 〃I've never
had any advantages； I don't know anything。 I've never had a chance to
learn。 I've told you that before。〃
〃What difference does that make？ You've got more sense than any woman I
ever saw；〃 he declared。
〃It makes a great deal of difference to me；〃 she insistedand the sound
of these words on her own lips was like a summons arousing her from a
dream。 The sordidness of her life； its cruel lack of opportunity in
contrast with the gifts she felt to be hers； and on which he had dwelt；
was swept back into her mind。 Self…pity； dignity； and inherent self…
respect struggled against her woman's desire to give； an inherited racial
pride whispered that she was worthy of the best； but because she had
lacked the chance； he refrained from offering her what he would have laid
at the feet of another woman。
〃I'll give you advantagesthere's nothing I wouldn't give you。 Why
won't you come to me？ I'll take care of you。〃
〃Do you think I want to be taken care of？〃 She wheeled on him so swiftly
that he started back。 〃Is that what you think I want？〃
〃No； no；〃 he protested； when he recovered his speech。
〃Do you think I'm afterwhat you can give me？〃 she shot at him。 〃 What
you can buy for me？〃
To tell the truth； he had not thought anything about it； that was the
trouble。 And her question； instead of enlightening him； only added to
his confusion and bewilderment。
〃I'm always getting in wrong with you；〃 he told her； pathetically。
〃There isn't anything I'd stop at to make you happy； Janet； that's what
I'm trying to say。 I'd go the limit。〃
〃Your limit！〃 she exclaimed。
〃What do you mean？〃 he demanded。 But she had become inarticulate
cryptic； to him。 He could get nothing more out of her。
〃You don't understand meyou never will！〃 she cried； and burst into
tearstears of rage she tried in vain to control。 The world was black
with his ignorance。 She hated herself； she hated him。 Her sobs shook
her convulsively； and she scarcely heard him as he walked beside her
along the empty road； pleading and clumsily seeking to comfort her。 Once
or twice she felt his hand on her shoulders。。。。 And then； unlooked for
and unbidden； pity began to invade her。 Absurd to pity him！ She fought
against it； but the thought of Ditmar reduced to abjectness gained
ground。 After all； he had tried to be generous； he had done his best； he
loved her； he needed herthe words rang in her heart。 After all； he did
not realize how could she expect him to realize？ and her imagination
conjured up the situation in a new perspective。 Her sobs gradually
ceased； and presently she stopped in the middle of the road and regarded
him。 He seemed utterly miserable； like a hurt child whom she longed to
comfort。 But what she said was：
〃I ought to be going home。〃
〃Not yet！〃 he begged。 〃It's early。 You say I don't understand you；
Janetmy God； I wish I did！ It breaks me all up to see you cry like
that。〃
〃I'm sorry；〃 she said； after a moment。 〃II can'tmmake you understand。
I guess I'm not like anybody else I'm queerI can't help it。 You must
let me go； I only make you unhappy。〃
〃Let you go！〃 he criedand then in utter self…forgetfulness she yielded
her lips to his。 A sound penetrated the night； she drew back from his
arms and stood silhouetted against the glare of the approaching headlight
of a trolley car； and as it came roaring down on them she hailed it。
Ditmar seized her arm。
〃You're not goingnow？〃 he said hoarsely。
〃I must；〃 she whispered。 〃I want to be aloneI want to think。 You must
let me。〃
〃I'll see you to…morrow？〃
〃I don't knowI want to think。 I'mI'm tired。〃
The brakes screamed as the car came joltingly to a stop。 She flew up the
steps； glancing around to see whether Ditmar had followed her； and saw
him still standing in the road。 The car was empty of passengers； but the
conductor must have seen her leaving a man in this lonely spot。 She
glanced at his face； white and pinched and apathetiche must have seen
hundreds of similar episodes in the course of his nightly duties。 He was
unmoved as he took her fare。 Nevertheless； at the thought that these
other episodes might resemble hers； her face flamedshe grew hot all
over。 What should she do now？ She could not think。 Confused with her
shame was the memory of a delirious joy； yet no sooner would she give
herself up； trembling； to this memory when in turn it was penetrated by
qualms of resentment； defiling its purity。 Was Ditmar ashamed of her？。。。
When she reached home and had got into bed she wept a little； but her
tears were neither of joy nor sorrow。 Her capacity for both was
exhausted。 In this strange mood she fell asleep nor did she waken when；
at midnight； Lise stealthily crept in beside her。
CHAPTER X
Ditmar stood staring after the trolley car that bore Janet away until it
became a tiny speck of light in the distance。 Then he started to walk
toward Hampton； in the unwonted exercise was an outlet for the pent…up
energy her departure had thwarted； and presently his body was warm with a
physical heat that found its counterpart in a delicious； emotional glow
of anticipation； of exultant satisfaction。 After all； he could not
expect to travel too fast with her。 Had he n