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GRAVE AND DROLL
DON QUIXOTE； then； having risen to his feet； trembling from head
to foot like a man dosed with mercury； said in a hurried； agitated
voice； 〃The place I am in； the presence in which I stand； and the
respect I have and always have had for the profession to which your
worship belongs； hold and bind the hands of my just indignation； and
as well for these reasons as because I know； as everyone knows； that a
gownsman's weapon is the same as a woman's； the tongue； I will with
mine engage in equal combat with your worship； from whom one might
have expected good advice instead of foul abuse。 Pious； well…meant
reproof requires a different demeanour and arguments of another
sort； at any rate； to have reproved me in public； and so roughly；
exceeds the bounds of proper reproof； for that comes better with
gentleness than with rudeness； and it is not seemly to call the sinner
roundly blockhead and booby； without knowing anything of the sin
that is reproved。 Come； tell me； for which of the stupidities you have
observed in me do you condemn and abuse me； and bid me go home and
look after my house and wife and children； without knowing whether I
have any？ Is nothing more needed than to get a footing； by hook or
by crook； in other people's houses to rule over the masters （and that；
perhaps； after having been brought up in all the straitness of some
seminary； and without having ever seen more of the world than may
lie within twenty or thirty leagues round）； to fit one to lay down the
law rashly for chivalry； and pass judgment on knights…errant？ Is it；
haply； an idle occupation； or is the time ill…spent that is spent in
roaming the world in quest； not of its enjoyments； but of those
arduous toils whereby the good mount upwards to the abodes of
everlasting life？ If gentlemen； great lords； nobles； men of high
birth； were to rate me as a fool I should take it as an irreparable
insult； but I care not a farthing if clerks who have never entered
upon or trod the paths of chivalry should think me foolish。 Knight I
am； and knight I will die； if such be the pleasure of the Most High。
Some take the broad road of overweening ambition； others that of
mean and servile flattery； others that of deceitful hypocrisy； and
some that of true religion； but I； led by my star； follow the narrow
path of knight…errantry； and in pursuit of that calling I despise
wealth； but not honour。 I have redressed injuries； righted wrongs；
punished insolences； vanquished giants； and crushed monsters； I am
in love； for no other reason than that it is incumbent on
knights…errant to be so； but though I am； I am no carnal…minded lover；
but one of the chaste； platonic sort。 My intentions are always
directed to worthy ends； to do good to all and evil to none； and if he
who means this； does this； and makes this his practice deserves to
be called a fool； it is for your highnesses to say； O most excellent
duke and duchess。〃
〃Good； by God！〃 cried Sancho； 〃say no more in your own defence；
master mine； for there's nothing more in the world to be said；
thought； or insisted on； and besides； when this gentleman denies； as
he has； that there are or ever have been any knights…errant in the
world； is it any wonder if he knows nothing of what he has been
talking about？〃
〃Perhaps； brother；〃 said the ecclesiastic； 〃you are that Sancho
Panza that is mentioned； to whom your master has promised an island？〃
〃Yes； I am；〃 said Sancho； 〃and what's more； I am one who deserves it
as much as anyone； I am one of the sort… 'Attach thyself to the
good； and thou wilt be one of them；' and of those； 'Not with whom thou
art bred； but with whom thou art fed；' and of those； 'Who leans
against a good tree； a good shade covers him；' I have leant upon a
good master； and I have been for months going about with him； and
please God I shall be just such another； long life to him and long
life to me； for neither will he be in any want of empires to rule；
or I of islands to govern。〃
〃No； Sancho my friend； certainly not；〃 said the duke； 〃for in the
name of Senor Don Quixote I confer upon you the government of one of
no small importance that I have at my disposal。〃
〃Go down on thy knees； Sancho；〃 said Don Quixote； 〃and kiss the feet
of his excellence for the favour he has bestowed upon thee。〃
Sancho obeyed； and on seeing this the ecclesiastic stood up from
table completely out of temper； exclaiming； 〃By the gown I wear； I
am almost inclined to say that your excellence is as great a fool as
these sinners。 No wonder they are mad； when people who are in their
senses sanction their madness！ I leave your excellence with them；
for so long as they are in the house； I will remain in my own； and
spare myself the trouble of reproving what I cannot remedy；〃 and
without uttering another word； or eating another morsel； he went
off； the entreaties of the duke and duchess being entirely
unavailing to stop him； not that the duke said much to him； for he
could not； because of the laughter his uncalled…for anger provoked。
When he had done laughing； he said to Don Quixote； 〃You have replied
on your own behalf so stoutly； Sir Knight of the Lions； that there
is no occasion to seek further satisfaction for this； which； though it
may look like an offence； is not so at all； for； as women can give
no offence； no more can ecclesiastics； as you very well know。〃
〃That is true；〃 said Don Quixote； 〃and the reason is； that he who is
not liable to offence cannot give offence to anyone。 Women；
children； and ecclesiastics； as they cannot defend themselves；
though they may receive offence cannot be insulted； because between
the offence and the insult there is； as your excellence very well
knows； this difference： the insult comes from one who is capable of
offering it； and does so； and maintains it； the offence may come
from any quarter without carrying insult。 To take an example： a man is
standing unsuspectingly in the street and ten others come up armed and
beat him； he draws his sword and quits himself like a man； but the
number of his antagonists makes it impossible for him to effect his
purpose and avenge himself； this man suffers an offence but not an
insult。 Another example will make the same thing plain： a man is
standing with his back turned； another comes up and strikes him； and
after striking him takes to flight； without waiting an instant； and
the other pursues him but does not overtake him； he who received the
blow received an offence； but not an insult； because an insult must be
maintained。 If he who struck him； though he did so sneakingly and
treacherously； had drawn his sword and stood and faced him； then he
who had been struck would have received offence and insult at the same
time； offence because he was struck treacherously； insult because he
who struck him maintained what he had done； standing his ground
without taking to flight。 And so； according to the laws of the
accursed duel； I may have received offence； but not insult； for
neither women nor children can maintain it； nor can they wound； nor
have they any way of standing their ground； and it is just the same
with those connected with religion； for these three sorts of persons
are without arms offensive or defensive； and so； though naturally they
are bound to defend themselves； they have no right to offend
anybody； and though I said just now I might have received offence； I
say now certainly not； for he who cannot receive an insult can still
less give one； for which reasons I ought not to feel； nor do I feel；
aggrieved at what that good man said to me； I only wish he had
stayed a little longer； that I might have shown him the mistake he
makes in supposing and maintaining that there are not and never have
been any knights…errant in the world； had Amadis or any of his
countless descendants heard him say as much； I am sure it would not
have gone well with his worship。〃
〃I will take my oath of that；〃 said Sancho； 〃they would have given
him a slash that would have slit him down from top to toe like a
pomegranate or a ripe melon； they were likely fellows to put up with
jokes of that sort！ By my faith； I'm certain if Reinaldos of Montalvan
had heard the little man's words he would have given him such a
spank on the mouth that he wouldn't have spoken for the next three
years； ay； let him tackle them； and he'll see how he'll get out of
their hands！〃
The duchess； as she listened to Sancho； was ready to die with
laughter； and in her own mind she set him down as droller and madder
than his master； and there were a good many just then who were of
the same opinion。
Don Quixote finally grew calm； and dinner came to an end； and as the
cloth was removed four damsels came in； one of them with a silver
basin； another with a jug also of silver； a third with two fine
white towels on her shoulder； and the fourth with her arms bared to
the elbows； and in her white hands （for white they certainly were） a
round ball of Naples soap。 The one with the basin approached； and with
arch composure and impudence； thrust it under Don Quixote's chin； who；
wondering at such a ceremony； said never a word； supposing it to be
the custom of that country to wash beards i