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she visited my father's house； where he was living with his servants
and my old nurse； my mother having but recently left him a widower。
Laura was full of vivacity； impulsive； quick in her movements；
thoughtless occasionally； as it is not strange that a young girl of
her age should be。 It was a beautiful summer day when she saw me for
the first time。 My nurse had me in her arms； walking back and
forward on a balcony with a low railing； upon which opened the
windows of the second story of my father's house。 While the nurse
was thus carrying me； Laura came suddenly upon the balcony。 She no
sooner saw me than with all the delighted eagerness of her youthful
nature she rushed toward me； and； catching me from the nurse's arms；
began tossing me after the fashion of young girls who have been so
lately playing with dolls that they feel as if babies were very much
of the same nature。 The abrupt seizure frightened me； I sprang from
her arms in my terror； and fell over the railing of the balcony。 I
should probably enough have been killed on the spot but for the fact
that a low thorn…bush grew just beneath the balcony； into which I
fell and thus had the violence of the shock broken。 But the thorns
tore my tender flesh； and I bear to this day marks of the deep wounds
they inflicted。
That dreadful experience is burned deep into my memory。 The sudden
apparition of the girl； the sense of being torn away from the
protecting arms around me； the frantic effort to escape； the shriek
that accompanied my fall through what must have seemed unmeasurable
space； the cruel lacerations of the piercing and rending thorns；all
these fearful impressions blended in one paralyzing terror。
When I was taken up I was thought to be dead。 I was perfectly white；
and the physician who first saw me said that no pulse was
perceptible。 But after a time consciousness returned； the wounds；
though painful； were none of them dangerous； and the most alarming
effects of the accident passed away。 My old nurse cared for me
tenderly day and night； and my father； who had been almost distracted
in the first hours which followed the injury； hoped and believed
that no permanent evil results would be found to result from it。 My
cousin Laura was of course deeply distressed to feel that her
thoughtlessness had been the cause of so grave an accident。 As soon
as I had somewhat recovered she came to see me； very penitent； very
anxious to make me forget the alarm she had caused me； with all its
consequences。 I was in the nursery sitting up in my bed； bandaged；
but not in any pain； as it seemed； for I was quiet and to all
appearance in a perfectly natural state of feeling。 As Laura came
near me I shrieked and instantly changed color。 I put my hand upon
my heart as if I had been stabbed； and fell over； unconscious。 It
was very much the same state as that in which I was found immediately
after my fall。
The cause of this violent and appalling seizure was but too obvious。
The approach of the young girl and the dread that she was about to
lay her hand upon me had called up the same train of effects which
the moment of terror and pain had already occasioned。 The old nurse
saw this in a moment。 〃Go！ go！〃 she cried to Laura； 〃go； or the
child will die！ 〃Her command did not have to be repeated。 After
Laura had gone I lay senseless； white and cold as marble； for some
time。 The doctor soon came； and by the use of smart rubbing and
stimulants the color came back slowly to my cheeks and the arrested
circulation was again set in motion。
It was hard to believe that this was anything more than a temporary
effect of the accident。 There could be little doubt； it was thought
by the doctor and by my father； that after a few days I should
recover from this morbid sensibility and receive my cousin as other
infants receive pleasant…looking young persons。 The old nurse shook
her head。 〃The girl will be the death of the child；〃 she said； 〃if
she touches him or comes near him。 His heart stopped beating just as
when the girl snatched him out of my arms； and he fell over the
balcony railing。〃 Once more the experiment was tried； cautiously；
almost insidiously。 The same alarming consequences followed。 It was
too evident that a chain of nervous disturbances had been set up in
my system which repeated itself whenever the original impression gave
the first impulse。 I never saw my cousin Laura after this last
trial。 Its result had so distressed her that she never ventured
again to show herself to me。
If the effect of the nervous shock had stopped there； it would have
been a misfortune for my cousin and myself； but hardly a calamity。
The world is wide； and a cousin or two more or less can hardly be
considered an essential of existence。 I often heard Laura's name
mentioned； but never by any one who was acquainted with all the
circumstances； for it was noticed that I changed color and caught at
my breast as if I wanted to grasp my heart in my hand whenever that
fatal name was mentioned。
Alas！ this was not all。 While I was suffering from the effects of my
fall among the thorns I was attended by my old nurse； assisted by
another old woman； by a physician； and my father； who would take his
share in caring for me。 It was thought best to keepme perfectly
quiet； and strangers and friends were alike excluded from my nursery；
with one exception； that my old grandmother came in now and then。
With her it seems that I was somewhat timid and shy； following her
with rather anxious eyes； as if not quite certain whether or not she
was dangerous。 But one day； when I was far advanced towards
recovery； my father brought in a young lady； a relative of his； who
had expressed a great desire to see me。 She was； as I have been
told； a very handsome girl； of about the same age as my cousin Laura；
but bearing no personal resemblance to her in form； features； or
complexion。 She had no sooner entered the room than the same sudden
changes which had followed my cousin's visit began to show
themselves； and before she had reached my bedside I was in a state of
deadly collapse； as on the occasions already mentioned。
Some time passed before any recurrence of these terrifying seizures。
A little girl of five or six years old was allowed to come into the
nursery one day and bring me some flowers。 I took them from her
hand； but turned away and shut my eyes。 There was no seizure； but
there was a certain dread and aversion； nothing more than a feeling
which it might be hoped that time would overcome。 Those around me
were gradually finding out the circumstances which brought on the
deadly attack to which I was subject。
The daughter of one of our near neighbors was considered the
prettiest girl of the village where we were passing the summer。 She
was very anxious to see me； and as I was now nearly well it was
determined that she should be permitted to pay me a short visit。 I
had always delighted in seeing her and being caressed by her。 I was
sleeping when she entered the nursery and came and took a seat at my
side in perfect silence。 Presently I became restless； and a moment
later I opened my eyes and saw her stooping over me。 My hand went to
my left breast；the color faded from my cheeks；I was again the
cold marble image so like death that it had well…nigh been mistaken
for it。
Could it be possible that the fright which had chilled my blood had
left me with an unconquerable fear of woman at the period when she is
most attractive not only to adolescents； but to children of tender
age； who feel the fascination of her flowing locks； her bright eyes；
her blooming cheeks； and that mysterious magnetism of sex which draws
all life into its warm and potently vitalized atmosphere？ So it did
indeed seem。 The dangerous experiment could not be repeated
indefinitely。 It was not intentionally tried again； but accident
brought about more than one renewal of it during the following years；
until it became fully recognized that I was the unhappy subject of a
mortal dread of woman；not absolutely of the human female； for I had
no fear of my old nurse or of my grandmother； or of any old wrinkled
face； and I had become accustomed to the occasional meeting of a
little girl or two； whom I nevertheless regarded with a certain ill…
defined feeling that there was danger in their presence。 I was sent
to a boys' school very early； and during the first ten or twelve
years of my life I had rarely any occasion to be reminded of my
strange idiosyncrasy。
As I grew out of boyhood into youth； a change came over the feelings
which had so long held complete possession of me。 This was what my
father and his advisers had always anticipated； and was the ground of
their confident hope in my return to natural conditions before I
should have grown to mature manhood。
How shall I describe the conflicts of those dreamy； bewild