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a mortal antipathy-第39章

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she visited my father's house; where he was living with his servants

and my old nurse; my mother having but recently left him a widower。

Laura was full of vivacity; impulsive; quick in her movements;

thoughtless occasionally; as it is not strange that a young girl of

her age should be。  It was a beautiful summer day when she saw me for

the first time。  My nurse had me in her arms; walking back and

forward on a balcony with a low railing; upon which opened the

windows of the second story of my father's house。  While the nurse

was thus carrying me; Laura came suddenly upon the balcony。  She no

sooner saw me than with all the delighted eagerness of her youthful

nature she rushed toward me; and; catching me from the nurse's arms;

began tossing me after the fashion of young girls who have been so

lately playing with dolls that they feel as if babies were very much

of the same nature。  The abrupt seizure frightened me; I sprang from

her arms in my terror; and fell over the railing of the balcony。  I

should probably enough have been killed on the spot but for the fact

that a low thorn…bush grew just beneath the balcony; into which I

fell and thus had the violence of the shock broken。  But the thorns

tore my tender flesh; and I bear to this day marks of the deep wounds

they inflicted。



That dreadful experience is burned deep into my memory。  The sudden

apparition of the girl; the sense of being torn away from the

protecting arms around me; the frantic effort to escape; the shriek

that accompanied my fall through what must have seemed unmeasurable

space; the cruel lacerations of the piercing and rending thorns;all

these fearful impressions blended in one paralyzing terror。



When I was taken up I was thought to be dead。  I was perfectly white;

and the physician who first saw me said that no pulse was

perceptible。  But after a time consciousness returned; the wounds;

though painful; were none of them dangerous; and the most alarming

effects of the accident passed away。  My old nurse cared for me

tenderly day and night; and my father; who had been almost distracted

in the first hours which followed the injury; hoped and believed

that no permanent evil results would be found to result from it。  My

cousin Laura was of course deeply distressed to feel that her

thoughtlessness had been the cause of so grave an accident。  As soon

as I had somewhat recovered she came to see me; very penitent; very

anxious to make me forget the alarm she had caused me; with all its

consequences。  I was in the nursery sitting up in my bed; bandaged;

but not in any pain; as it seemed; for I was quiet and to all

appearance in a perfectly natural state of feeling。  As Laura came

near me I shrieked and instantly changed color。  I put my hand upon

my heart as if I had been stabbed; and fell over; unconscious。  It

was very much the same state as that in which I was found immediately

after my fall。



The cause of this violent and appalling seizure was but too obvious。

The approach of the young girl and the dread that she was about to

lay her hand upon me had called up the same train of effects which

the moment of terror and pain had already occasioned。  The old nurse

saw this in a moment。  〃Go!  go!〃 she cried to Laura; 〃go; or the

child will die!  〃Her command did not have to be repeated。  After

Laura had gone I lay senseless; white and cold as marble; for some

time。  The doctor soon came; and by the use of smart rubbing and

stimulants the color came back slowly to my cheeks and the arrested

circulation was again set in motion。



It was hard to believe that this was anything more than a temporary

effect of the accident。  There could be little doubt; it was thought

by the doctor and by my father; that after a few days I should

recover from this morbid sensibility and receive my cousin as other

infants receive pleasant…looking young persons。  The old nurse shook

her head。  〃The girl will be the death of the child;〃 she said; 〃if

she touches him or comes near him。  His heart stopped beating just as

when the girl snatched him out of my arms; and he fell over the

balcony railing。〃  Once more the experiment was tried; cautiously;

almost insidiously。  The same alarming consequences followed。  It was

too evident that a chain of nervous disturbances had been set up in

my system which repeated itself whenever the original impression gave

the first impulse。  I never saw my cousin Laura after this last

trial。  Its result had so distressed her that she never ventured

again to show herself to me。



If the effect of the nervous shock had stopped there; it would have

been a misfortune for my cousin and myself; but hardly a calamity。

The world is wide; and a cousin or two more or less can hardly be

considered an essential of existence。  I often heard Laura's name

mentioned; but never by any one who was acquainted with all the

circumstances; for it was noticed that I changed color and caught at

my breast as if I wanted to grasp my heart in my hand whenever that

fatal name was mentioned。



Alas! this was not all。  While I was suffering from the effects of my

fall among the thorns I was attended by my old nurse; assisted by

another old woman; by a physician; and my father; who would take his

share in caring for me。  It was thought best to keepme perfectly

quiet; and strangers and friends were alike excluded from my nursery;

with one exception; that my old grandmother came in now and then。

With her it seems that I was somewhat timid and shy; following her

with rather anxious eyes; as if not quite certain whether or not she

was dangerous。  But one day; when I was far advanced towards

recovery; my father brought in a young lady; a relative of his; who

had expressed a great desire to see me。  She was; as I have been

told; a very handsome girl; of about the same age as my cousin Laura;

but bearing no personal resemblance to her in form; features; or

complexion。  She had no sooner entered the room than the same sudden

changes which had followed my cousin's visit began to show

themselves; and before she had reached my bedside I was in a state of

deadly collapse; as on the occasions already mentioned。



Some time passed before any recurrence of these terrifying seizures。

A little girl of five or six years old was allowed to come into the

nursery one day and bring me some flowers。  I took them from her

hand; but turned away and shut my eyes。  There was no seizure; but

there was a certain dread and aversion; nothing more than a feeling

which it might be hoped that time would overcome。  Those around me

were gradually finding out the circumstances which brought on the

deadly attack to which I was subject。



The daughter of one of our near neighbors was considered the

prettiest girl of the village where we were passing the summer。  She

was very anxious to see me; and as I was now nearly well it was

determined that she should be permitted to pay me a short visit。  I

had always delighted in seeing her and being caressed by her。  I was

sleeping when she entered the nursery and came and took a seat at my

side in perfect silence。  Presently I became restless; and a moment

later I opened my eyes and saw her stooping over me。  My hand went to

my left breast;the color faded from my cheeks;I was again the

cold marble image so like death that it had well…nigh been mistaken

for it。



Could it be possible that the fright which had chilled my blood had

left me with an unconquerable fear of woman at the period when she is

most attractive not only to adolescents; but to children of tender

age; who feel the fascination of her flowing locks; her bright eyes;

her blooming cheeks; and that mysterious magnetism of sex which draws

all life into its warm and potently vitalized atmosphere?  So it did

indeed seem。  The dangerous experiment could not be repeated

indefinitely。  It was not intentionally tried again; but accident

brought about more than one renewal of it during the following years;

until it became fully recognized that I was the unhappy subject of a

mortal dread of woman;not absolutely of the human female; for I had

no fear of my old nurse or of my grandmother; or of any old wrinkled

face; and I had become accustomed to the occasional meeting of a

little girl or two; whom I nevertheless regarded with a certain ill…

defined feeling that there was danger in their presence。  I was sent

to a boys' school very early; and during the first ten or twelve

years of my life I had rarely any occasion to be reminded of my

strange idiosyncrasy。



As I grew out of boyhood into youth; a change came over the feelings

which had so long held complete possession of me。  This was what my

father and his advisers had always anticipated; and was the ground of

their confident hope in my return to natural conditions before I

should have grown to mature manhood。



How shall I describe the conflicts of those dreamy; bewild
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