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should have grown to mature manhood。
How shall I describe the conflicts of those dreamy； bewildering；
dreadful years？ Visions of loveliness haunted me sleeping and
waking。 Sometimes a graceful girlish figure would so draw my eyes
towards it that I lost sight of all else； and was ready to forget all
my fears and find myself at her side； like other youths by the side
of young maidens；happy in their cheerful companionship； while I；
I； under the curse of one blighting moment； looked on； hopeless。
Sometimes the glimpse of a fair face or the tone of a sweet voice
stirred within me all the instincts that make the morning of life
beautiful to adolescence。 I reasoned with myself：
Why should I not have outgrown that idle apprehension which had been
the nightmare of my earlier years？ Why should not the rising tide of
life have drowned out the feeble growths that infested the shallows
of childhood？ How many children there are who tremble at being left
alone in the dark； but who； a few years later； will smile at their
foolish terrors and brave all the ghosts of a haunted chamber！ Why
should I any longer be the slave of a foolish fancy that has grown
into a half insane habit of mind？ I was familiarly acquainted with
all the stories of the strange antipathies and invincible repugnances
to which others； some of them famous men； had been subject。 I said
to myself； Why should not I overcome this dread of woman as Peter the
Great fought down his dread of wheels rolling over a bridge？ Was I；
alone of all mankind； to be doomed to perpetual exclusion from the
society which； as it seemed to me； was all that rendered existence
worth the trouble and fatigue of slavery to the vulgar need of
supplying the waste of the system and working at the task of
respiration like the daughters of Danaus；toiling day and night as
the worn…out sailor labors at the pump of his sinking vessel？
Why did I not brave the risk of meeting squarely； and without regard
to any possible danger； some one of those fair maidens whose far…off
smile； whose graceful movements； at once attracted and agitated me？
I can only answer this question to the satisfaction of any really
inquiring reader by giving him the true interpretation of the
singular phenomenon of which I was the subject。 For this I shall
have to refer to a paper of which I have made a copy； and which will
be found included with this manuscript。 It is enough to say here；
without entering into the explanation of the fact； which will be
found simple enough as seen by the light of modern physiological
science； that the 〃nervous disturbance〃 which the presence of a woman
in the flower of her age produced in my system was a sense of
impending death； sudden； overwhelming； unconquerable； appalling。 It
was a reversed action of the nervous centres；the opposite of that
which flushes the young lover's cheek and hurries his bounding pulses
as he comes into the presence of the object of his passion。 No one
who has ever felt the sensation can have failed to recognize it as an
imperative summons； which commands instant and terrified submission。
It was at this period of my life that my father determined to try the
effect of travel and residence in different localities upon my bodily
and mental condition。 I say bodily as well as mental； for I was too
slender for my height and subject to some nervous symptoms which were
a cause of anxiety。 That the mind was largely concerned in these
there was no doubt； but the mutual interactions of mind and body are
often too complex to admit of satisfactory analysis。 Each is in part
cause and each also in part effect。
We passed some years in Italy； chiefly in Rome； where I was placed in
a school conducted by priests； and where of course I met only those
of my own sex。 There I had the opportunity of seeing the influences
under which certain young Catholics； destined for the priesthood； are
led to separate themselves from all communion with the sex associated
in their minds with the most subtle dangers to which the human soul
can be exposed。 I became in some degree reconciled to the thought of
exclusion from the society of women by seeing around me so many who
were self…devoted to celibacy。 The thought sometimes occurred to me
whether I should not find the best and the only natural solution of
the problem of existence； as submitted to myself； in taking upon me
the vows which settle the whole question and raise an impassable
barrier between the devotee and the object of his dangerous
attraction。
How often I talked this whole matter over with the young priest who
was at once my special instructor and my favorite companion！ But
accustomed as I had become to the forms of the Roman Church； and
impressed as I was with the purity and excellence of many of its
young members with whom I was acquainted； my early training rendered
it impossible for me to accept the credentials which it offered me as
authoritative。 My friend and instructor had to set me down as a case
of 〃invincible ignorance。〃 This was the loop…hole through which he
crept out of the prison…house of his creed； and was enabled to look
upon me without the feeling of absolute despair with which his
sterner brethren would； I fear； have regarded me。
I have said that accident exposed me at times to the influence which
I had such reasons for dreading。 Here is one example of such an
occurrence； which I relate as simply as possible； vividly as it is
impressed upon my memory。 A young friend whose acquaintance I had
made in Rome asked me one day to come to his rooms and look at a
cabinet of gems and medals which he had collected。 I had been but a
short time in his library when a vague sense of uneasiness came over
me。 My heart became restless；I could feel it stirring irregularly；
as if it were some frightened creature caged in my breast。 There was
nothing that I could see to account for it。 A door was partly open；
but not so that I could see into the next room。 The feeling grew
upon me of some influence which was paralyzing my circulation。 I
begged my friend to open a window。 As be did so； the door swung in
the draught； and I saw a blooming young woman；it was my friend's
sister； who had been sitting with a book in her hand； and who rose at
the opening of the door。 Something had warned me of the presence of
a woman； that occult and potent aura of individuality； call it
personal magnetism； spiritual effluence； or reduce it to a simpler
expression if you will； whatever it was； it had warned me of the
nearness of the dread attraction which allured at a distance and
revealed itself with all the terrors of the Lorelei if approached too
recklessly。 A sign from her brother caused her to withdraw at once；
but not before I had felt the impression which betrayed itself in my
change of color； anxiety about the region of the heart； and sudden
failure as if about to fall in a deadly fainting…fit。
Does all this seem strange and incredible to the reader of my
manuscript？ Nothing in the history of life is so strange or
exceptional as it seems to those who have not made a long study of
its mysteries。 I have never known just such a case as my own； and
yet there must have been such； and if the whole history of mankind
were unfolded I cannot doubt that there have been many like it。 Let
my reader suspend his judgment until he has read the paper I have
referred to； which was drawn up by a Committee of the Royal Academy
of the Biological Sciences。 In this paper the mechanism of the
series of nervous derangements to which I have been subject since the
fatal shock experienced in my infancy is explained in language not
hard to understand。 It will be seen that such a change of polarity
in the nervous centres is only a permanent form and an extreme degree
of an emotional disturbance； which as a temporary and comparatively
unimportant personal accident is far from being uncommon；is so
frequent； in fact； that every one must have known instances of it；
and not a few must have had more or less serious experiences of it in
their own private history。
It must not be supposed that my imagination dealt with me as I am now
dealing with the reader。 I was full of strange fancies and wild
superstitions。 One of my Catholic friends gave me a silver medal
which had been blessed by the Pope； and which I was to wear next my
body。 I was told that this would turn black after a time； in virtue
of a power which it possessed of drawing out original sin； or certain
portions of it； together with the evil and morbid tendencies which
had been engrafted on the corrupt nature。 I wore the medal
faithfully； as directed； and watched it carefully。 It became
tarnished and after a time darkened； but it wrought no change in my
unnatural condition。
There was an old gypsy who had the reputation of knowing more of
futurity than she had any right to know。 The s