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There was an old gypsy who had the reputation of knowing more of
futurity than she had any right to know。 The story was that she had
foretold the assassination of Count Rossi and the death of Cavour。
However that may have been； I was persuaded to let her try her black
art upon my future。 I shall never forget the strange； wild look of
the wrinkled hag as she took my hand and studied its lines and fixed
her wicked old eyes on my young countenance。 After this examination
she shook her head and muttered some words； which as nearly as I
could get them would be in English like these：
Fair lady cast a spell on thee；
Fair lady's hand shall set thee free。
Strange as it may seem； these words of a withered old creature； whose
palm had to be crossed with silver to bring forth her oracular
response； have always clung to my memory as if they were destined to
fulfilment。 The extraordinary nature of the affliction to which I
was subject disposed me to believe the incredible with reference to
all that relates to it。 I have never ceased to have the feeling
that； sooner or later； I should find myself freed from the blight
laid upon me in my infancy。 It seems as if it would naturally come
through the influence of some young and fair woman； to whom that
merciful errand should be assigned by the Providence that governs our
destiny。 With strange hopes； with trembling fears； with mingled
belief and doubt； wherever I have found myself I have sought with
longing yet half…averted eyes for the 〃elect lady；〃 as I have learned
to call her； who was to lift the curse from my ruined life。
Three times I have been led to the hope； if not the belief； that I
had found the object of my superstitious belief。 Singularly enough
it was always on the water that the phantom of my hope appeared
before my bewildered vision。 Once it was an English girl who was a
fellow passenger with me in one of my ocean voyages。 I need not say
that she was beautiful； for she was my dream realized。 I heard her
singing； I saw her walking the deck on some of the fair days when
sea…sickness was forgotten。 The passengers were a social company
enough； but I had kept myself apart； as was my wont。 At last the
attraction became too strong to resist any longer。 〃I will venture
into the charmed circle if it kills me；〃 I said to my father。 I did
venture； and it did not kill me； or I should not be telling this
story。 But there was a repetition of the old experiences。 I need
not relate the series of alarming consequences of my venture。 The
English girl was very lovely； and I have no doubt has made some one
supremely happy before this； but she was not the 〃elect lady〃 of the
prophecy and of my dreams。
A second time I thought myself for a moment in the presence of the
destined deliverer who was to restore me to my natural place among my
fellow men and women。 It was on the Tiber that I met the young
maiden who drew me once more into that inner circle which surrounded
young womanhood with deadly peril for me； if I dared to pass its
limits。 I was floating with the stream in the little boat in which I
passed many long hours of reverie when I saw another small boat with
a boy and a young girl in it。 The boy had been rowing； and one of
his oars had slipped from his grasp。 He did not know how to paddle
with a single oar； and was hopelessly rowing round and round； his oar
all the time floating farther away from him。 I could not refuse my
assistance。 I picked up the oar and brought my skiff alongside of
the boat。 When I handed the oar to the boy the young girl lifted her
veil and thanked me in the exquisite music of the language which
'Sounds as if it should be writ on satin。〃
She was a type of Italian beauty；a nocturne in flesh and blood； if
I may borrow a term certain artists are fond of； but it was her voice
which captivated me and for a moment made me believe that I was no
longer shut off from all relations with the social life of my race。
An hour later I was found lying insensible on the floor of my boat；
white； cold； almost pulseless。 It cost much patient labor to bring
me back to consciousness。 Had not such extreme efforts been made； it
seems probable that I should never have waked from a slumber which
was hardly distinguishable from that of death。
Why should I provoke a catastrophe which appears inevitable if I
invite it by exposing myself to its too well ascertained cause？ The
habit of these deadly seizures has become a second nature。 The
strongest and the ablest men have found it impossible to resist the
impression produced by the most insignificant object； by the most
harmless sight or sound to which they had a congenital or acquired
antipathy。 What prospect have I of ever being rid of this long and
deep…seated infirmity？ I may well ask myself these questions； but my
answer is that I will never give up the hope that time will yet bring
its remedy。 It may be that the wild prediction which so haunts me
shall find itself fulfilled。 I have had of late strange
premonitions； to which if I were superstitious I could not help
giving heed。 But I have seen too much of the faith that deals in
miracles to accept the supernatural in any shape；assuredly when it
comes from an old witch…like creature who takes pay for her
revelations of the future。 Be it so： though I am not superstitious；
I have a right to be imaginative； and my imagination will hold to
those words of the old zingara with an irresistible feeling that；
sooner or later； they will prove true。
Can it be possible that her prediction is not far from its
realization？ I have had both waking and sleeping visions within
these last months and weeks which have taken possession of me and
filled my life with new thoughts； new hopes； new resolves。
Sometimes on the bosom of the lake by which I am dreaming away this
season of bloom and fragrance； sometimes in the fields or woods in a
distant glimpse； once in a nearer glance； which left me pale and
tremulous； yet was followed by a swift reaction； so that my cheeks
flushed and my pulse bounded； I have seen her whohow do I dare to
tell it so that my own eyes can read it？…I cannot help believing is
to be my deliverer； my saviour。
I have been warned in the most solemn and impressive language by the
experts most deeply read in the laws of life and the history of its
disturbing and destroying influences； that it would be at the
imminent risk of my existence if I should expose myself to the
repetition of my former experiences。 I was reminded that unexplained
sudden deaths were of constant； of daily occurrence； that any emotion
is liable to arrest the movements of life： terror； joy； good news or
bad news；anything that reaches the deeper nervous centres。 I had
already died once； as Sir Charles Napier said of himself； yes； more
than once； died and been resuscitated。 The next time； I might very
probably fail to get my return ticket after my visit to Hades。 It
was a rather grim stroke of humor； but I understood its meaning full
well； and felt the force of its menace。
After all； what had I to live for if the great primal instinct which
strives to make whole the half life of lonely manhood is defeated；
suppressed； crushed out of existence？ Why not as well die in the
attempt to break up a wretched servitude to a perverted nervous
movement as in any other way？ I am alone in the world；alone save
for my faithful servant； through whom I seem to hold to the human
race as it were by a single filament。 My father； who was my
instructor； my companion； my dearest and best friend through all my
later youth and my earlier manhood； died three years ago and left me
my own master； with the means of living as might best please my
fancy。 This season shall decide my fate。 One more experiment； and I
shall find myself restored to my place among my fellow…beings； or； as
I devoutly hope； in a sphere where all our mortal infirmities are
past and forgotten。
I have told the story of a blighted life without reserve； so that
there shall not remain any mystery or any dark suspicion connected
with my memory if I should be taken away unexpectedly。 It has cost
me an effort to do it； but now that my life is on record I feel more
reconciled to my lot； with all its possibilities； and among these
possibilities is a gleam of a better future。 I have been told by my
advisers； some of them wise； deeply instructed； and kind…hearted men；
that such a life…destiny should be related by the subject of it for
the instruction of others； and especially for the light it throws on
certain peculiarities of human character often wrongly interpreted as
due to moral perversion； when they are in reality the results of
misdirected or reversed actions in some of the closely connected
nervous centres。
For myself I can truly say that I have very little morbid sensibility
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