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nervous centres。
For myself I can truly say that I have very little morbid sensibility
left with reference to the destiny which has been allotted to me。 I
have passed through different stages of feeling with reference to it；
as I have developed from infancy to manhood。 At first it was mere
blind instinct about which I had no thought； living like other
infants the life of impressions without language to connect them in
series。 In my boyhood I began to be deeply conscious of the
infirmity which separated me from those around me。 In youth began
that conflict of emotions and impulses with the antagonistic
influence of which I have already spoken； a conflict which has never
ceased； but to which I have necessarily become to a certain degree
accustomed； and against the dangers of which I have learned to guard
myself habitually。 That is the meaning of my isolation。 You； young
man；if at any time your eyes shall look upon my melancholy record；
you at least will understand me。 Does not your heart throb； in the
presence of budding or blooming womanhood； sometimes as if it 〃were
ready to crack〃 with its own excess of strain？ What if instead of
throbbing it should falter； flutter； and stop as if never to beat
again？ You； young woman； who with ready belief and tender sympathy
will look upon these pages； if they are ever spread before you； know
what it is when your breast heaves with uncontrollable emotion and
the grip of the bodice seems unendurable as the embrace of the iron
virgin of the Inquisition。 Think what it would be if the grasp were
tightened so that no breath of air could enter your panting chest！
Does your heart beat in the same way； young man； when your honored
friend； a venerable matron of seventy years； greets you with her
kindly smile as it does in the presence of youthful loveliness？ When
a pretty child brings you her doll and looks into your eyes with
artless grace and trustful simplicity； does your pulse quicken； do
you tremble； does life palpitate through your whole being； as when
the maiden of seventeen meets your enamored sight in the glow of her
rosebud beauty？ Wonder not； then； if the period of mystic attraction
for you should be that of agitation； terror； danger； to one in whom
the natural current of the instincts has had its course changed as
that of a stream is changed by a convulsion of nature； so that the
impression which is new life to you is death to him。
I am now twenty…five years old。 I have reached the time of life
which I have dreamed； nay even ventured to hope； might be the limit
of the sentence which was pronounced upon me in my infancy。 I can
assign no good reason for this anticipation。 But in writing this
paper I feel as if I were preparing to begin a renewed existence。
There is nothing for me to be ashamed of in the story I have told。
There is no man living who would not have yielded to the sense of
instantly impending death which seized upon me under the conditions I
have mentioned。 Martyrs have gone singing to their flaming shrouds；
but never a man could hold his breath long enough to kill himself； he
must have rope or water； or some mechanical help； or nature will make
him draw in a breath of air； and would make him do so though he knew
the salvation of the human race would be forfeited by that one gasp。
This paper may never reach the eye of any one afflicted in the same
way that I have been。 It probably never will； but for all that；
there are many shy natures which will recognize tendencies in
themselves in the direction of my unhappy susceptibility。 Others； to
whom such weakness seems inconceivable； will find their scepticism
shaken； if not removed； by the calm； judicial statement of the Report
drawn up for the Royal Academy。 It will make little difference to me
whether my story is accepted unhesitatingly or looked upon as largely
a product of the imagination。 I am but a bird of passage that lights
on the boughs of different nationalities。 I belong to no flock； my
home may be among the palms of Syria； the olives of Italy； the oaks
of England； the elms that shadow the Hudson or the Connecticut； I
build no nest； to…day I am here； to…morrow on the wing。
If I quit my native land before the trees have dropped their leaves I
shall place this manuscript in the safe hands of one whom I feel sure
that I can trust； to do with it as he shall see fit。 If it is only
curious and has no bearing on human welfare； he may think it well to
let it remain unread until I shall have passed away。 If in his
judgment it throws any light on one of the deeper mysteries of our
nature；the repulsions which play such a formidable part in social
life； and which must be recognized as the correlatives of the
affinities that distribute the individuals governed by them in the
face of impediments which seem to be impossibilities；then it may be
freely given to the world。
But if I am here when the leaves are all fallen； the programme of my
life will have changed； and this story of the dead past will be
illuminated by the light of a living present which will irradiate all
its saddening features。 Who would not pray that my last gleam of
light and hope may be that of dawn and not of departing day？
The reader who finds it hard to accept the reality of a story so far
from the common range of experience is once more requested to suspend
his judgment until he has read the paper which will next be offered
for his consideration。
THE REPORT OF THE BIOLOGICAL COMMITTEE。
Perhaps it is too much to expect a reader who wishes to be
entertained； excited； amused； and does not want to work his passage
through pages which he cannot understand without some effort of his
own； to read the paper which follows and Dr。 Butts's reflections upon
it。 If he has no curiosity in the direction of these chapters； he
can afford to leave them to such as relish a slight flavor of
science。 But if he does so leave them he will very probably remain
sceptical as to the truth of the story to which they are meant to
furnish him with a key。
Of course the case of Maurice Kirkwood is a remarkable and
exceptional one； and it is hardly probable that any reader's
experience will furnish him with its parallel。 But let him look back
over all his acquaintances； if he has reached middle life； and see if
he cannot recall more than one who； for some reason or other； shunned
the society of young women； as if they had a deadly fear of their
company。 If he remembers any such； he can understand the simple
statements and natural reflections which are laid before him。
One of the most singular facts connected with the history of Maurice
Kirkwood was the philosophical equanimity with which he submitted to
the fate which had fallen upon him。 He did not choose to be pumped
by the Interviewer； who would show him up in the sensational columns
of his prying newspaper。 He lived chiefly by himself； as the easiest
mode of avoiding those meetings to which he would be exposed in
almost every society into which he might venture。 But he had learned
to look upon himself very much as he would upon an intimate not
himself；upon a different personality。 A young man will naturally
enough be ashamed of his shyness。 It is something which others
believe； and perhaps he himself thinks； he might overcome。 But in
the case of Maurice Kirkwood there was no room for doubt as to the
reality and gravity of the long enduring effects of his first
convulsive terror。 He had accepted the fact as he would have
accepted the calamity of losing his sight or his hearing。 When he
was questioned by the experts to whom his case was submitted； he told
them all that he knew about it almost without a sign of emotion。
Nature was so peremptory with him；saying in language that had no
double meaning： 〃If you violate the condition on which you hold my
gift of existence I slay you on the spot；〃that he became as
decisive in his obedience as she was in her command； and accepted his
fate without repining。
Yet it must not be thought for a moment；it cannot be supposed；
that he was insensible because he looked upon himself with the
coolness of an enforced philosophy。 He bore his burden manfully；
hard as it was to live under it； for he lived； as we have seen； in
hope。 The thought of throwing it off with his life； as too grievous
to be borne； was familiar to his lonely hours； but he rejected it as
unworthy of his manhood。 How he had speculated and dreamed about it
is plain enough from the paper the reader may remember on Ocean；
River； and Lake。
With these preliminary hints the paper promised is submitted to such
as may find any interest in them。
ACCOUNT OF A CASE OF GYNOPHOBIA。
WITH REMARKS。
Being the Substance of a Report to the Royal Academy of the Bio~
logical Sciences by a Committee of that Institution。