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the daisy chain, or aspirations-第142章

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not her fault that I am not like the simple and dutiful; who are not
fretted or perplexed。〃

〃Perplexed?〃 repeated Ethel。

〃It is not so now;〃 he replied。  〃God forbid!  But where better men
have been led astray; I have been bewildered; till; Ethel; I have
felt as if the ground were slipping from beneath my feet; and I have
only been able to hide my eyes; and entreat that I might know the
truth。〃

〃You knew it!〃 said Ethel; looking pale; and gazing searchingly at
him。

〃I did; I do; but it was a time of misery when; for my presumption; I
suppose; I was allowed to doubt whether it were the truth。〃

Ethel recoiled; but came nearer; saying; very low; 〃It is past。〃

〃Yes; thank Him who is Truth。  You all saved me; though you did not
know it。〃

〃When was this?〃 she asked timidly。

〃The worst time was before the Long Vacation。  They told me I ought
to read this book and that。  Harvey Anderson used to come primed with
arguments。  I could always overthrow them; but when I came to glory
in doing so; perhaps I prayed less。  Anyway; they left a sting。  It
might be that I doubted my own sincerity; from knowing that I had got
to argue; chiefly because I liked to be looked on as a champion。〃

Ethel saw the truth of what her friend had said of the morbid habit
of self…contemplation。

〃I read; and I mystified myself。  The better I talked; the more my
own convictions failed me; and; by the time you came up to Oxford; I
knew how you would have shrunk from him who was your pride; if you
could have seen into the secrets beneath。〃

Ethel took hold of his hand。  〃You seemed bright;〃 she said。

〃It melted like a bad dream beforebefore the humming…bird; and with
my father。  It was weeks ere I dared to face the subject again。〃

〃How could you?  Was it safe?〃

〃I could not have gone on as I was。  Sometimes the sight of my
father; or the mountains and lakes in Scotland; ororthings at the
Grange; would bring peace back; but there were dark hours; and I knew
that there could be no comfort till I had examined and fought it
out。〃

〃I suppose examination was right;〃 said Ethel; 〃for a man; and
defender of the faith。  I should only have tried to pray the terrible
thought away。  But I can't tell how it feels。〃

〃Worse than you have power to imagine;〃 said Norman; shuddering。  〃It
is over now。  I worked out their fallacies; and went over the
reasoning on our side。〃

〃And prayed〃 said Ethel。

〃Indeed I did; and the confidence returned; firmer; I hope; than
ever。  It had never gone for a whole day。〃

Ethel breathed freely。  〃It was life or death;〃 she said; 〃and we
never knew it!〃

〃Perhaps not; but I know your prayers were angel…wings ever round me。
And far more than argument; was the thought of my father's heart…
whole Christian love and strength。〃

〃Norman; you believed; all the time; with your heart。  This was only
a bewilderment of your intellect。〃

〃I think you are right;〃 said Norman。  〃To me the doubt was cruel
agonynot the amusement it seems to some。〃

〃Because our dear home has made the truth; our joy; our union;〃 said
Ethel。  〃And you are sure the cloud is gone; and for ever?〃 she still
asked anxiously。

He stood still。  〃For ever; I trust;〃 he said。  〃I hold the faith of
my childhood in all its fullness as surely asas ever I loved my
mother and Harry。〃

〃I know you do;〃 said Ethel。  〃It was only a bad dream。〃

〃I hope I may be forgiven for it;〃 said Norman。  〃I do not know how
far it was sin。  It was gone so far as that my mind was convinced
last Christmas; but the shame and sting remained。  I was not at peace
again till the news of this spring came; and brought; with the grief;
this compensationthat I could cast behind me and forget the
criticisms and doubts that those miserable debates had connected with
sacred words。〃

〃You will be the sounder for having fought the fight;〃 said Ethel。

〃I do not dread the like shocks;〃 said her brother; 〃but I long to
leave this world of argument and discussion。  It is right that there
should be a constant defence and battle; but I am not fit for it。  I
argue for my own triumph; and; in heat and harassing; devotion is
lost。  Besides; the comparison of intellectual power has been my bane
all my life。〃

〃I thought 'praise was your penance here。'〃

〃I would fain render it so; butin short; I must be away from it
all; and go to the simplest; hardest work; beginning from the
rudiments; and forgetting subtle arguments。〃

〃Forgetting yourself;〃 said Ethel。

〃Right。  I want to have no leisure to think about myself;〃 said
Norman。  〃I am never so happy as at such times。〃

〃And you want to find work so far away?〃

〃I cannot help feeling drawn towards those southern seas。  I am glad
you can give me good…speed。  But what do you think about my father?〃

Ethel thought and thought。  〃I know he would not hinder you;〃 she
repeated。

〃But you dread the pain for him?  I had talked to Tom about taking
his profession; but the poor boy thinks he dislikes it greatly;
though; I believe; his real taste lies that way; and his aversion
only arises a few grand notions he has picked up; out of which I
could soon talk him。〃

〃Tom will not stand in your place;〃 said Ethel。

〃He will be more equable and more to be depended upon;〃 said Norman。
〃None of you appreciate Tom。  However; you must hear my alternative。
If you think my going would be too much grief for papa; or if Tom be
set against helping him in his practice; there is an evident leading
of Providence; showing that I am unworthy of this work。  In that case
I would go abroad and throw myself; at once; with all my might; into
the study of medicine; and get ready to give my father some rest。  It
is a shame that all his sons should turn away from his profession。〃

〃I am more than ever amazed!〃 cried Ethel。  〃I thought you detested
it。  I thought papa never wished it for you。  He said you had not
nerve。〃

〃He was always full of the tenderest consideration for me;〃 said
Norman。  〃With Heaven to help him; a man may have nerve for whatever
is his duty。〃

〃How he would like to have you to watch and help。  But New Zealand
would be so glorious!〃

〃Glory is not for me;〃 said Norman。  〃Understand; Ethel; the choice
is New Zealand; or going at onceat once; mindto study at
Edinburgh or Paris。〃

〃New Zealand at once?〃 said Ethel。

〃I suppose I mast stay for divinity lectures; but my intention must
be avowed;〃 said Norman hastily。  〃And now; will you sound my father?
I cannot。〃

〃I can't sound;〃 said Ethel。  〃I can only do things point…blank。〃

〃Do then;〃 said Norman; 〃any way you can!  Only let me know which is
best for him。  You get all the disagreeable things to do; good old
unready one;〃 he added kindly。  〃I believe you are the one who would
be shoved in front; if we were obliged to face a basilisk。〃

The brightness that had come over Norman; when he had discharged his
cares upon her; was encouragement enough for Ethel。  She only asked
how much she was to repeat of their conversation。

〃Whatever you think best。  I do not want to grieve him; but he must
not think it fine in me。〃

Ethel privately thought that no power on earth could prevent him from
doing that。

It was not consistent with cautious sounding; that Norman was always
looking appealingly towards her; and; indeed; she could not wait long
with such a question on her mind。  She remained with her father in
the drawing…room; when the rest were gone upstairs; and; plunging at
once into the matter; she said; 〃Papa; there is something that Norman
cannot bear to say to you himself。〃

〃Humming…birds to wit?〃 said Dr。 May。

〃No; indeed; but he wants to be doing something at once。  What should
you think ofofthere are two things; one isgoing out as a
missionary〃

〃Humming…birds in another shape;〃 said the doctor; startled; but
smiling; so as to pique her。

〃You mean to treat it as a boy's fancy!〃 said she。

〃It is rather suspicious;〃 he said。  〃Well; what is the other of his
two things?〃

〃The other is; to begin studying medicine at once; so as to help
you。〃

〃Heyday!〃 cried Dr。 May; drawing up his tall vigorous figure; 〃does
he think me so very ancient and superannuated?〃

What could possess him to be so provoking and unsentimental to…night?
Was it her own bad management?  She longed to put an end to the
conversation; and answered; 〃No; but he thinks it hard that none of
your sons should be willing to relieve you。〃

〃It won't be Norman;〃 said Dr。 May。  〃He is not made of the stuff。
If he survived the course of study; every patient he lost; he would
bring himself in guilty of murder; and there would soon be an end of
him!〃

〃He says that a man can force himself to anything that is his duty。〃

〃This is not going to be his duty; if I can make it otherwise。  What
is the meaning of all this?  No; I need not ask; poor boy; it is what
I was afraid of!〃

〃It is far deeper;〃 said Ethel; and she related great part of what
she had heard in the afternoon。  It was not easy to make her father
listenhis line was to be positively indignant; rather than
compassionate; when he heard of the doubts that had assailed poor
Norman。  〃Foolish boy; what business had he 
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