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〃No；〃 the judge said； thoughtfully； 〃no； that would be quite
irregular。 I do not sit to…day as a committing magistrate。〃
The Prerogative of Might
A SLANDER travelling rapidly through the land upon its joyous
mission was accosted by a Retraction and commanded to halt and be
killed。
〃Your career of mischief is at an end；〃 said the Retraction；
drawing his club； rolling up his sleeves； and spitting on his
hands。
〃Why should you slay me？〃 protested the Slander。 〃Whatever my
intentions were； I have been innocuous； for you have dogged my
strides and counteracted my influence。〃
〃Dogged your grandmother！〃 said the Retraction； with contemptuous
vulgarity of speech。 〃In the order of nature it is appointed that
we two shall never travel the same road。〃
〃How then；〃 the Slander asked； triumphantly； 〃have you overtaken
me？〃
〃I have not；〃 replied the Retraction； 〃we have accidentally met。 I
came round the world the other way。〃
But when he tried to execute his fell purpose he found that in the
order of nature it was appointed that he himself perish miserably
in the encounter。
An Inflated Ambition
THE President of a great Corporation went into a dry…goods shop and
saw a placard which read：
〃If You Don't See What You Want； Ask For It。〃
Approaching the shopkeeper； who had been narrowly observing him as
he read the placard； he was about to speak； when the shopkeeper
called to a salesman：
〃John； show this gentleman the world。〃
Rejected Services
A HEAVY Operator overtaken by a Reverse of Fortune was bewailing
his sudden fall from affluence to indigence。
〃Do not weep；〃 said the Reverse of Fortune。 〃You need not suffer
alone。 Name any one of the men who have opposed your schemes； and
I will overtake HIM。〃
〃It is hardly worth while；〃 said the victim； earnestly。 〃Not a
soul of them has a cent！〃
The Power of the Scalawag
A FORESTRY Commissioner had just felled a giant tree when； seeing
an honest man approaching； he dropped his axe and fled。 The next
day when he cautiously returned to get his axe； he found the
following lines pencilled on the stump：
〃What nature reared by centuries of toil；
A scalawag in half a day can spoil；
An equal fate for him may Heaven provide …
Damned in the moment of his tallest pride。〃
At Large … One Temper
A TURBULENT Person was brought before a Judge to be tried for an
assault with intent to commit murder； and it was proved that he had
been variously obstreperous without apparent provocation； had
affected the peripheries of several luckless fellow…citizens with
the trunk of a small tree； and subsequently cleaned out the town。
While trying to palliate these misdeeds； the defendant's Attorney
turned suddenly to the Judge； saying：
〃Did your Honour ever lose your temper？〃
〃I fine you twenty…five dollars for contempt of court！〃 roared the
Judge； in wrath。 〃How dare you mention the loss of my temper in
connection with this case？〃
After a moment's silence the Attorney said； meekly：
〃I thought my client might perhaps have found it。〃
The Seeker and the Sought
A POLITICIAN seeing a fat Turkey which he wanted for dinner； baited
a hook with a grain of corn and dragged it before the fowl at the
end of a long and almost invisible line。 When the Turkey had
swallowed the hook； the Politician ran； drawing the creature after
him。
〃Fellow…citizens；〃 he cried； addressing some turkey…breeders whom
he met； 〃you observe that the man does not seek the bird； but the
bird seeks the man。 For this unsolicited and unexpected dinner I
thank you with all my heart。〃
His Fly…Speck Majesty
A DISTINGUISHED Advocate of Republican Institutions was seen
pickling his shins in the ocean。
〃Why don't you come out on dry land？〃 said the Spectator。 〃What
are you in there for？〃
〃Sir；〃 replied the Distinguished Advocate of Republican
Institutions； 〃a ship is expected； bearing His Majesty the King of
the Fly…Speck Islands； and I wish to be the first to grasp the
crowned hand。〃
〃But；〃 said the Spectator； 〃you said in your famous speech before
the Society for the Prevention of the Protrusion of Nail Heads from
Plank Sidewalks that Kings were blood…smeared oppressors and hell…
bound loafers。〃
〃My dear sir；〃 said the Distinguished Advocate of Republican
Institutions； without removing his eyes from the horizon； 〃you
wander away into the strangest irrelevancies！ I spoke of Kings in
the abstract。〃
The Pugilist's Diet
THE Trainer of a Pugilist consulted a Physician regarding the
champion's diet。
〃Beef…steaks are too tender；〃 said the Physician； 〃have his meat
cut from the neck of a bull。〃
〃I thought the steaks more digestible；〃 the Trainer explained。
〃That is very true；〃 said the Physician； 〃but they do not
sufficiently exercise the chin。〃
The Old Man and the Pupil
A BEAUTIFUL Old Man； meeting a Sunday…school Pupil； laid his hand
tenderly upon the lad's head； saying： 〃Listen； my son； to the words
of the wise and heed the advice of the righteous。〃
〃All right；〃 said the Sunday…school Pupil； 〃go ahead。〃
〃Oh； I haven't anything to do with it myself；〃 said the Beautiful
Old Man。 〃I am only observing one of the customs of the age。 I am
a pirate。〃
And when he had taken his hand from the lad's head； the latter
observed that his hair was full of clotted blood。 Then the
Beautiful Old Man went his way； instructing other youth。
The Deceased and his Heirs
A MAN died leaving a large estate and many sorrowful relations who
claimed it。 After some years； when all but one had had judgment
given against them； that one was awarded the estate； which he asked
his Attorney to have appraised。
〃There is nothing to appraise；〃 said the Attorney； pocketing his
last fee。
〃Then；〃 said the Successful Claimant； 〃what good has all this
litigation done me？〃
〃You have been a good client to me；〃 the Attorney replied；
gathering up his books and papers； 〃but I must say you betray a
surprising ignorance of the purpose of litigation。〃
The Politicians and the Plunder
SEVERAL Political Entities were dividing the spoils。
〃I will take the management of the prisons；〃 said a Decent Respect
for Public Opinion； 〃and make a radical change。〃
〃And I；〃 said the Blotted Escutcheon； 〃will retain my present
general connection with affairs； while my friend here； the Soiled
Ermine； will remain in the Judiciary。〃
The Political Pot said it would not boil any more unless
replenished from the Filthy Pool。
The Cohesive Power of Public Plunder quietly remarked that the two
bosses would； he supposed； naturally be his share。
〃No；〃 said the Depth of Degradation； 〃they have already fallen to
me。〃
The Man and the Wart
A PERSON with a Wart on His Nose met a Person Similarly Afflicted；
and said：
〃Let me propose your name for membership in the Imperial Order of
Abnormal Proboscidians； of which I am the High Noble Toby and
Surreptitious Treasurer。 Two months ago I was the only member。
One month ago there were two。 To…day we number four Emperors of
the Abnormal Proboscis in good standing … doubles every four weeks；
see？ That's geometrical progression … you know how that piles up。
In a year and a half every man in California will have a wart on
his Nose。 Powerful Order！ Initiation； five dollars。〃
〃My friend；〃 said the Person Similarly Afflicted； 〃here are five
dollars。 Keep my name off your books。〃
〃Thank you kindly；〃 the Man with a Wart on His Nose replied；
pocketing the money； 〃it is just the same to us as if you joined。
Good…by。〃
He went away； but in a little while he was back。
〃I quite forgot to mention the monthly dues；〃 he said。
The Divided Delegation
A DELEGATION at Washington went to a New President； and said：
〃Your Excellency； we are unable to agree upon a Favourite Son to
represent us in your Cabinet。〃
〃Then；〃 said the New President； 〃I shall have to lock you up until
you d