按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
chronicler of passing events sat through it； motionless； with
suspended pen； and when the movement was complete Poesy was
represented in that place by nothing but a warm spot on the wooden
chair。
The Taken Hand
A SUCCESSFUL Man of Business； having occasion to write to a Thief；
expressed a wish to see him and shake hands。
〃No；〃 replied the Thief； 〃there are some things which I will not
take … among them your hand。〃
〃You must use a little strategy；〃 said a Philosopher to whom the
Successful Man of Business had reported the Thief's haughty reply。
〃Leave your hand out some night； and he will take it。〃
So one night the Successful Man of Business left his hand out of
his neighbour's pocket； and the Thief took it with avidity。
An Unspeakable Imbecile
A JUDGE said to a Convicted Assassin：
〃Prisoner at the bar； have you anything to say why the death…
sentence should not be passed upon you？〃
〃Will what I say make any difference？〃 asked the Convicted
Assassin。
〃I do not see how it can；〃 the Judge answered； reflectively。 〃No；
it will not。〃
〃Then；〃 said the doomed one； 〃I should just like to remark that you
are the most unspeakable old imbecile in seven States and the
District of Columbia。〃
A Needful War
THE people of Madagonia had an antipathy to the people of Novakatka
and set upon some sailors of a Novakatkan vessel； killing two and
wounding twelve。 The King of Madagonia having refused either to
apologise or pay； the King of Novakatka made war upon him； saying
that it was necessary to show that Novakatkans must not be
slaughtered。 In the battles which ensued the people of Madagonia
slaughtered two thousand Novakatkans and wounded twelve thousand。
But the Madagonians were unsuccessful； which so chagrined them that
never thereafter in all their land was a Novakatkan secure in
property or life。
The Mine Owner and the Jackass
WHILE the Owner of a Silver Mine was on his way to attend a
convention of his species he was accosted by a Jackass； who said：
〃By an unjust discrimination against quadrupeds I am made
ineligible to a seat in your convention； so I am compelled to seek
representation through you。〃
〃It will give me great pleasure； sir；〃 said the Owner of a Silver
Mine； 〃to serve one so closely allied to me in … in … well； you
know；〃 he added； with a significant gesture of his two hands upward
from the sides of his head。 〃What do you want？〃
〃Oh； nothing … nothing at all for myself individually；〃 replied the
Donkey； 〃but his country's welfare should be a patriot's supreme
care。 If Americans are to retain the sacred liberties for which
their fathers strove； Congress must declare our independence of
European dictation by maintaining the price of mules。〃
The Dog and the Physician
A DOG that had seen a Physician attending the burial of a wealthy
patient； said： 〃When do you expect to dig it up？〃
〃Why should I dig it up？〃 the Physician asked。
〃When I bury a bone；〃 said the Dog； 〃it is with an intention to
uncover it later and pick it。〃
〃The bones that I bury；〃 said the Physician； 〃are those that I can
no longer pick。〃
The Party Manager and the Gentleman
A PARTY Manager said to a Gentleman whom he saw minding his own
business：
〃How much will you pay for a nomination to office？〃
〃Nothing；〃 the Gentleman replied。
〃But you will contribute something to the campaign fund to assist
in your election； will you not？〃 asked the Party Manager； winking。
〃Oh； no；〃 said the Gentleman； gravely。 〃If the people wish me to
work for them； they must hire me without solicitation。 I am very
comfortable without office。〃
〃But；〃 urged the Party Manager； 〃an election is a thing to be
desired。 It is a high honour to be a servant of the people。〃
〃If servitude is a high honour；〃 the Gentleman said； 〃it would be
indecent for me to seek it； and if obtained by my own exertion it
would be no honour。〃
〃Well；〃 persisted the Party Manager； 〃you will at least； I hope；
indorse the party platform。〃
The Gentleman replied： 〃It is improbable that its authors have
accurately expressed my views without consulting me； and if I
indorsed their work without approving it I should be a liar。〃
〃You are a detestable hypocrite and an idiot！〃 shouted the Party
Manager。
〃Even your good opinion of my fitness；〃 replied the Gentleman；
〃shall not persuade me。〃
The Legislator and the Citizen
AN ex…Legislator asked a Most Respectable Citizen for a letter to
the Governor recommending him for appointment as Commissioner of
Shrimps and Crabs。
〃Sir；〃 said the Most Respectable Citizen； austerely； 〃were you not
once in the State Senate？〃
〃Not so bad as that； sir； I assure you；〃 was the reply。 〃I was a
member of the Slower House。 I was expelled for selling my
influence for money。〃
〃And you dare to ask for mine！〃 shouted the Most Respectable
Citizen。 〃You have the impudence？ A man who will accept bribes
will probably offer them。 Do you mean to … 〃
〃I should not think of making a corrupt proposal to you； sir； but
if I were Commissioner of Shrimps and Crabs； I might have some
influence with the water…front population； and be able to help you
make your fight for Coroner。〃
〃In that case I do not feel justified in denying you the letter。〃
So he took his pen； and； some demon guiding his hand； he wrote；
greatly to his astonishment：
〃Who sells his influence should stop it；
An honest man will only swap it。〃
The Rainmaker
AN Officer of the Government； with a great outfit of mule…waggons
loaded with balloons； kites； dynamite bombs； and electrical
apparatus； halted in the midst of a desert； where there had been no
rain for ten years； and set up a camp。 After several months of
preparation and an expenditure of a million dollars all was in
readiness； and a series of tremendous explosions occurred on the
earth and in the sky。 This was followed by a great down…pour of
rain； which washed the unfortunate Officer of the Government and
the outfit off the face of creation and affected the agricultural
heart with joy too deep for utterance。 A Newspaper Reporter who
had just arrived escaped by climbing a hill near by； and there he
found the Sole Survivor of the expedition … a mule…driver … down on
his knees behind a mesquite bush； praying with extreme fervour。
〃Oh； you can't stop it that way；〃 said the Reporter。
〃My fellow…traveller to the bar of God；〃 replied the Sole Survivor；
looking up over his shoulder； 〃your understanding is in darkness。
I am not stopping this great blessing； under Providence； I am
bringing it。〃
〃That is a pretty good joke；〃 said the Reporter； laughing as well
as he could in the strangling rain … 〃a mule driver's prayer
answered！〃
〃Child of levity and scoffing；〃 replied the other； 〃you err again；
misled by these humble habiliments。 I am the Rev。 Ezekiel Thrifft；
a minister of the gospel； now in the service of the great
manufacturing firm of Skinn & Sheer。 They make balloons； kites；
dynamite bombs； and electrical apparatus。〃
The Citizen and the Snakes
A PUBLIC…SPIRITED Citizen who had failed miserably in trying to
secure a National political convention for his city suffered
acutely from dejection。 While in that frame of mind he leaned
thoughtlessly against a druggist's show…window； wherein were one
hundred and fifty kinds of assorted snakes。 The glass breaking；
the reptiles all escaped into the street。
〃When you can't do what you wish；〃 said the Public…spirited
Citizen； 〃it is worth while to do what you can。〃
Fortune and the Fabulist
A WRITER of Fables was passing through a lonely forest when he met
a Fortune。 Greatly alarmed； he tried to climb a tree； but the
Fortune pulled him down and bestowed itself upon him with cruel
persistence。
〃Why did you try to run away？〃 said the Fortune； when his struggles
had ceased and his screams were stilled。 〃Why do you glare at me
so inhospitably？〃
〃I don't know what you are；〃 replied the Writer of Fables； deeply
disturbed。
〃I am wealth； I am respectability；〃 the For