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Three Recruits
A FARMER； an Artisan； and a Labourer went to the King of their
country and complained that they were compelled to support a large
standing army of mere consumers； who did nothing for their keep。
〃Very well；〃 said the King； 〃my subjects' wishes are the highest
law。〃
So he disbanded his army and the consumers became producers also。
The sale of their products so brought down prices that farming was
ruined； and their skilled and unskilled labour drove the artisans
and labourers into the almshouses and highways。 In a few years the
national distress was so great that the Farmer； the Artisan； and
the Labourer petitioned the King to reorganize the standing army。
〃What！〃 said the King； 〃you wish to support those idle consumers
again？〃
〃No； your Majesty；〃 they replied … 〃we wish to enlist。〃
The Mirror
A SILKEN…EARED Spaniel； who traced his descent from King Charles
the Second of England； chanced to look into a mirror which was
leaning against the wainscoting of a room on the ground floor of
his mistress's house。 Seeing his reflection； he supposed it to be
another dog； outside； and said：
〃I can chew up any such milksoppy pup as that； and I will。〃
So he ran out…of…doors and around to the side of the house where he
fancied the enemy was。 It so happened that at that moment a
Bulldog sat there sunning his teeth。 The Spaniel stopped short in
dire consternation； and； after regarding the Bulldog a moment from
a safe distance； said：
〃I don't know whether you cultivate the arts of peace or your flag
is flung to the battle and the breeze and your voice is for war。
If you are a civilian； the windows of this house flatter you worse
than a newspaper； but if you're a soldier； they do you a grave
injustice。〃
This speech being unintelligible to the Bulldog he only civilly
smiled； which so terrified the Spaniel that he dropped dead in his
tracks。
Saint and Sinner
〃MY friend；〃 said a distinguished officer of the Salvation Army； to
a Most Wicked Sinner； 〃I was once a drunkard； a thief； an assassin。
The Divine Grace has made me what I am。〃
The Most Wicked Sinner looked at him from head to foot。
〃Henceforth；〃 he said； 〃the Divine Grace； I fancy； will let well
enough alone。〃
An Antidote
A YOUNG Ostrich came to its Mother； groaning with pain and with its
wings tightly crossed upon its stomach。
〃What have you been eating？〃 the Mother asked； with solicitude。
〃Nothing but a keg of Nails；〃 was the reply。
〃What！〃 exclaimed the Mother； 〃a whole keg of Nails； at your age！
Why； you will kill yourself that way。 Go quickly； my child； and
swallow a claw…hammer。〃
A Weary Echo
A CONVENTION of female writers； which for two days had been
stuffing Woman's couch with goose…quills and hailing the down of a
new era； adjourned with unabated enthusiasm； shouting； 〃Place aux
dames！〃 And Echo wearily replied； 〃Oh； damn。〃
The Ingenious Blackmailer
AN Inventor went to a King and was granted an audience； when the
following conversation ensued：
INVENTOR。 … 〃May it please your Majesty； I have invented a rifle
that discharges lightning。〃
KING。 … 〃Ah； you wish to sell me the secret。〃
INVENTOR。 … 〃Yes； it will enable your army to overrun any nation
that is accessible。〃
KING。 … 〃In order to get any good of my outlay for your invention；
I must make a war； and do so as soon as I can arm my troops …
before your secret is discovered by foreign nations。 How much do
you want？〃
INVENTOR。 … 〃One million dollars。〃
KING。 … 〃And how much will it cost to make the change of arms？〃
INVENTOR。 … 〃Fifty millions。〃
KING。 … 〃And the war will Cost … ？〃
INVENTOR。 … 〃But consider the glory and the spoils！〃
KING。 … 〃Exactly。 But if I am not seeking these advantages？ What
if I decline to purchase？〃
INVENTOR。 … 〃There is no economy in that。 Though a patriot； I am
poor； if my own country will not patronise me； I must seek a market
elsewhere。〃
KING （to Prime Minister）。 … 〃Take this blackmailer and cut off his
head。〃
A Talisman
HAVING been summoned to serve as a juror； a Prominent Citizen sent
a physician's certificate stating that he was afflicted with
softening of the brain。
〃The gentleman is excused；〃 said the Judge； handing back the
certificate to the person who had brought it； 〃he has a brain。〃
The Ancient Order
HARDLY had that ancient order； the Sultans of Exceeding Splendour；
been completely founded by the Grand Flashing Inaccessible； when a
question arose as to what should be the title of address among the
members。 Some wanted it to be simply 〃my Lord；〃 others held out
for 〃your Dukeness；〃 and still others preferred 〃my Sovereign
Liege。〃 Finally the gorgeous jewel of the order； gleaming upon the
breast of every member； suggested 〃your Badgesty；〃 which was
adopted； and the order became popularly known as the Kings of
Catarrh。
A Fatal Disorder
A DYING Man who had been shot was requested by officers of the law
to make a statement； and be quick about it。
〃You were assaulted without provocation； of course；〃 said the
District Attorney； preparing to set down the answer。
〃No；〃 replied the Dying Man； 〃I was the aggressor。〃
〃Yes； I understand；〃 said the District Attorney； 〃you committed the
aggression … you were compelled to； as it were。 You did it in
self…defence。〃
〃I don't think he would have hurt me if I had let him alone；〃 said
the other。 〃No； I fancy he was a man of peace； and would not have
hurt a fly。 I brought such a pressure to bear on him that he
naturally had to yield … he couldn't hold out。 If he had refused
to shoot me I don't see how I could decently have continued his
acquaintance。〃
〃Good Heavens！〃 exclaimed the District Attorney； throwing down his
note…book and pencil； 〃this is all quite irregular。 I can't make
use of such an ante…mortem statement as that。〃
〃I never before knew a man to tell the truth；〃 said the Chief of
Police； 〃when dying of violence。〃
〃Violence nothing！〃 the Police Surgeon said； pulling out and
inspecting the man's tongue … 〃it is the truth that is killing
him。〃
The Massacre
SOME Holy Missionaries in China having been deprived of life by the
Bigoted Heathens； the Christian Press made a note of it； and was
greatly pained to point out the contrast between the Bigoted
Heathens and the law…abiding countrymen of the Holy Missionaries
who had wickedly been sent to eternal bliss。
〃Yes；〃 assented a Miserable Sinner； as he finished reading the
articles； 〃the Heathens of Ying Shing are deceitful above all
things and desperately wicked。 By the way；〃 he added； turning over
the paper to read the entertaining and instructive Fables； 〃I know
the Heathenese lingo。 Ying Shing means Rock Creek； it is in the
Province of Wyo Ming。〃
A Ship and a Man
SEEING a ship sailing by upon the sea of politics； an Ambitious
Person started in hot pursuit along the strand； but the people's
eyes being fixed upon the Presidency no one observed the pursuer。
This greatly annoyed him； and recollecting that he was not aquatic；
he stopped and shouted across the waves' tumultous roar：
〃Take my name off the passenger list。〃
Back to him over the waters； hollow and heartless； like laughter in
a tomb； rang the voice of the Skipper：
〃'T ain't on！〃
And there； in the focus of a million pairs of convergent eyes； the
Ambitious Person sat him down between the sun and moon and murmured
sadly to his own soul：
〃Marooned； by thunder！〃
Congress and the People
SUCCESSIVE Congresses having greatly impoverished the People； they
were discouraged and wept copiously。
〃Why do you weep？〃 inquired an Angel who had perched upon a fence
near by。
〃They have taken all we have；〃 replied the People … 〃excepting；〃
they added； noting the suggestive visitant … 〃excepting our hope in
heaven。 Thank God； they cannot deprive us of that！〃
But at last came the Congress of 1889。
The Justice and His Accuser