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But at last came the Congress of 1889。
The Justice and His Accuser
AN eminent Justice of the Supreme Court of Patagascar was accused
of having obtained his appointment by fraud。
〃You wander；〃 he said to the Accuser； 〃it is of little importance
how I obtained my power； it is only important how I have used it。〃
〃I confess；〃 said the Accuser； 〃that in comparison with the
rascally way in which you have conducted yourself on the Bench； the
rascally way in which you got there does seem rather a trifle。〃
The Highwayman and the Traveller
A HIGHWAYMAN confronted a Traveller； and covering him with a
firearm； shouted： 〃Your money or your life！〃
〃My good friend；〃 said the Traveller； 〃according to the terms of
your demand my money will save my life； my life my money； you imply
you will take one or the other； but not both。 If that is what you
mean； please be good enough to take my life。〃
〃That is not what I mean；〃 said the Highwayman； 〃you cannot save
your money by giving up your life。〃
〃Then take it； anyhow；〃 the Traveller said。 〃If it will not save
my money； it is good for nothing。〃
The Highwayman was so pleased with the Traveller's philosophy and
wit that he took him into partnership； and this splendid
combination of talent started a newspaper。
The Policeman and the Citizen
A POLICEMAN； finding a man that had fallen in a fit； said； 〃This
man is drunk；〃 and began beating him on the head with his club。 A
passing Citizen said：
〃Why do you murder a man that is already harmless？〃
Thereupon the Policeman left the man in a fit and attacked the
Citizen； who； after receiving several severe contusions； ran away。
〃Alas；〃 said the Policeman； 〃why did I not attack the sober one
before exhausting myself upon the other？〃
Thenceforward he pursued that plan； and by zeal and diligence rose
to be Chief； and sobriety is unknown in the region subject to his
sway。
The Writer and the Tramps
AN Ambitious Writer； distinguished for the condition of his linen；
was travelling the high road to fame； when he met a Tramp。
〃What is the matter with your shirt？〃 inquired the Tramp。
〃It bears the marks of that superb unconcern which is the
characteristic of genius；〃 replied the Ambitious Writer；
contemptuously passing him by。
Resting by the wayside a little later； the Tramp carved upon the
smooth bark of a birch…tree the words； 〃John Gump； Champion
Genius。〃
Two Politicians
Two Politicians were exchanging ideas regarding the rewards for
public service。
〃The reward which I most desire；〃 said the First Politician； 〃is
the gratitude of my fellow…citizens。〃
〃That would be very gratifying； no doubt；〃 said the Second
Politician； 〃but； alas！ in order to obtain it one has to retire
from politics。〃
For an instant they gazed upon each other with inexpressible
tenderness； then the First Politician murmured； 〃God's will be
done！ Since we cannot hope for reward； let us be content with what
we have。〃
And lifting their right hands from the public treasury they swore
to be content。
The Fugitive Office
A TRAVELLER arriving at the capitol of the nation saw a vast plain
outside the wall； filled with struggling and shouting men。 While
he looked upon the alarming spectacle an Office broke away from the
Throng and took shelter in a tomb close to where he stood； the
crowd being too intent upon hammering one another to observe that
the cause of their contention had departed。
〃Poor bruised and bleeding creature；〃 said the compassionate
Traveller； 〃what misfortune caused you to be so far away from the
source of power？〃
〃I 'sought the man；'〃 said the Office。
The Tyrant Frog
A SNAKE swallowing a frog head…first was approached by a Naturalist
with a stick。
〃Ah； my deliverer；〃 said the Snake as well as he could； 〃you have
arrived just in time； this reptile； you see； is pitching into me
without provocation。〃
〃Sir；〃 replied the Naturalist； 〃I need a snakeskin for my
collection； but if you had not explained I should not have
interrupted you； for I thought you were at dinner。〃
The Eligible Son…in…Law
A TRULY Pious Person who conducted a savings bank and lent money to
his sisters and his cousins and his aunts of both sexes； was
approached by a Tatterdemalion； who applied for a loan of one
hundred thousand dollars。
〃What security have you to offer？〃 asked the Truly Pious Person。
〃The best in the world；〃 the applicant replied； confidentially； 〃I
am about to become your son…in…law。〃
〃That would indeed be gilt…edged；〃 said the banker； gravely； 〃but
what claim have you to the hand of my daughter？〃
〃One that cannot be lightly denied；〃 said the Tatterdemalion。 〃I
am about to become worth one hundred thousand dollars。〃
Unable to detect a weak point in this scheme of mutual advantage；
the financier gave the promoter in disguise an order for the money；
and wrote a note to his wife directing her to count out the girl。
The Statesman and the Horse
A STATESMAN who had saved his country was returning from Washington
on foot； when he met a Race Horse going at full speed； and stopped
it。
〃Turn about and travel the other way；〃 said the Statesman； 〃and I
will keep you company as far as my home。 The advantages of
travelling together are obvious。〃
〃I cannot do that；〃 said the Race Horse； 〃I am following my master
to Washington。 I did not go fast enough to suit him； and he has
gone on ahead。〃
〃Who is your master？〃 inquired the Statesman。
〃He is the Statesman who saved his country；〃 answered the Race
Horse。
〃There appears to be some mistake；〃 the other said。 〃Why did he
wish to travel so fast？〃
〃So as to be there in time to get the country that he saved。〃
〃I guess he got it；〃 said the other； and limped along； sighing。
An AErophobe
A CELEBRATED Divine having affirmed the fallibility of the Bible；
was asked why； then； he preached the religion founded upon it。
〃If it is fallible；〃 he replied； 〃there is the greater reason that
I explain it； lest it mislead。〃
〃Then am I to infer；〃 said his Questioner； 〃that YOU are not
fallible？〃
〃You are to infer that I am not pneumophagous。〃
The Thrift of Strength
A WEAK Man going down…hill met a Strong Man going up； and said：
〃I take this direction because it requires less exertion； not from
choice。 I pray you； sir； assist me to regain the summit。〃
〃Gladly；〃 said the Strong Man； his face illuminated with the glory
of his thought。 〃I have always considered my strength a sacred
gift in trust for my fellow…men。 I will take you along with me。
Just get behind me and push。〃
The Good Government
〃WHAT a happy land you are！〃 said a Republican Form of Government
to a Sovereign State。 〃Be good enough to lie still while I walk
upon you； singing the praises of universal suffrage and descanting
upon the blessings of civil and religious liberty。 In the meantime
you can relieve your feelings by cursing the one…man power and the
effete monarchies of Europe。〃
〃My public servants have been fools and rogues from the date of
your accession to power；〃 replied the State； 〃my legislative
bodies； both State and municipal； are bands of thieves； my taxes
are insupportable； my courts are corrupt； my cities are a disgrace
to civilisation； my corporations have their hands at the throats of
every private interest … all my affairs are in disorder and
criminal confusion。〃
〃That is all very true；〃 said the Republican Form of Government；
putting on its hobnail shoes； 〃but consider how I thrill you every
Fourth of July。〃
The Life Saver
AN Ancient Maiden； standing on the edge of a wharf near a Modern
Swain； was overheard rehearsing the words：
〃Noble preserver！ The life that you have saved is yours！〃
Having repeated them several times with various intonations； she
sprang into the water； where she was suffered to drown。
〃I am a noble preserver；〃 said the Modern Swain； thoughtfully
moving awa