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the province of Ukwuk； the Wampog issued a proclamation convening
all the male residents in council in the Temple of Ul to devise
means of defence。 The first speaker thought the best policy would
be to offer a fried jackass to the gods。 The second suggested a
public procession； headed by the Wampog himself； bearing the Holy
Poker on a cushion of cloth…of…brass。 Another thought that a
scarlet mole should be buried alive in the public park and a
suitable incantation chanted over the remains。 The advice of the
fourth was that the columns of the capitol be rubbed with oil of
dog by a person having a moustache on the calf of his leg。 When
all the others had spoken an Aged Man rose and said：
〃High and mighty Wampog and fellow…citizens； I have listened
attentively to all the plans proposed。 All seem wise； and I do not
suffer myself to doubt that any one of them would be efficacious。
Nevertheless； I cannot help thinking that if we would put an
improved breed of polliwogs in our drinking water； construct
shallower roadways； groom the street cows； offer the stranger
within our gates a free choice between the poniard and the potion；
and relinquish our private system of morals； the other measures of
public safety would be needless。〃
The Aged Man was about to speak further； but the meeting informally
adjourned in order to sweep the floor of the temple … for the men
of Gakwak are the tidiest housewives in all that province。 The
last speaker was the broom。
The Critics
WHILE bathing； Antinous was seen by Minerva； who was so enamoured
of his beauty that； all armed as she happened to be； she descended
from Olympus to woo him； but； unluckily displaying her shield； with
the head of Medusa on it； she had the unhappiness to see the
beautiful mortal turn to stone from catching a glimpse of it。 She
straightway ascended to ask Jove to restore him； but before this
could be done a Sculptor and a Critic passed that way and espied
him。
〃This is a very bad Apollo；〃 said the Sculptor： 〃the chest is too
narrow； and one arm is at least a half…inch shorter than the other。
The attitude is unnatural； and I may say impossible。 Ah！ my
friend； you should see my statue of Antinous。〃
〃In my judgment； the figure；〃 said the Critic； 〃is tolerably good；
though rather Etrurian； but the expression of the face is decidedly
Tuscan； and therefore false to nature。 By the way； have you read
my work on 'The Fallaciousness of the Aspectual in Art'？〃
The Foolish Woman
A MARRIED Woman； whose lover was about to reform by running away；
procured a pistol and shot him dead。
〃Why did you do that； Madam？〃 inquired a Policeman； sauntering by。
〃Because；〃 replied the Married Woman； 〃he was a wicked man； and had
purchased a ticket to Chicago。〃
〃My sister；〃 said an adjacent Man of God； solemnly； 〃you cannot
stop the wicked from going to Chicago by killing them。〃
Father and Son
〃MY boy；〃 said an aged Father to his fiery and disobedient Son； 〃a
hot temper is the soil of remorse。 Promise me that when next you
are angry you will count one hundred before you move or speak。〃
No sooner had the Son promised than he received a stinging blow
from the paternal walking…stick； and by the time he had counted to
seventy…five had the unhappiness to see the old man jump into a
waiting cab and whirl away。
The Discontented Malefactor
A JUDGE having sentenced a Malefactor to the penitentiary was
proceeding to point out to him the disadvantages of crime and the
profit of reformation。
〃Your Honour；〃 said the Malefactor； interrupting； 〃would you be
kind enough to alter my punishment to ten years in the penitentiary
and nothing else？〃
〃Why；〃 said the Judge； surprised； 〃I have given you only three
years！〃
〃Yes； I know；〃 assented the Malefactor … 〃three years' imprisonment
and the preaching。 If you please； I should like to commute the
preaching。〃
A Call to Quit
SEEING that his audiences were becoming smaller every Sunday； a
Minister of the Gospel broke off in the midst of a sermon；
descended the pulpit stairs； and walked on his hands down the
central aisle of the church。 He then remounted his feet； ascended
to the pulpit； and resumed his discourse； making no allusion to the
incident。
〃Now；〃 said he to himself； as he went home； 〃I shall have；
henceforth； a large attendance and no snoring。〃
But on the following Friday he was waited upon by the Pillars of
the Church； who informed him that in order to be in harmony with
the New Theology and get full advantage of modern methods of Gospel
interpretation they had deemed it advisable to make a change。 They
had therefore sent a call to Brother Jowjeetum…Fallal； the World…
Renowned Hindoo Human Pin…Wheel； then holding forth in Hoopitup's
circus。 They were happy to say that the reverend gentleman had
been moved by the Spirit to accept the call； and on the ensuing
Sabbath would break the bread of life for the brethren or break his
neck in the attempt。
The Man and the Lightning
A MAN Running for Office was overtaken by Lightning。
〃You see；〃 said the Lightning； as it crept past him inch by inch；
〃I can travel considerably faster than you。〃
〃Yes；〃 the Man Running for Office replied； 〃but think how much
longer I keep going！〃
The Lassoed Bear
A HUNTER who had lassoed a Bear was trying to disengage himself
from the rope； but the slip…knot about his wrist would not yield；
for the Bear was all the time pulling in the slack with his paws。
In the midst of his trouble the Hunter saw a Showman passing by；
and managed to attract his attention。
〃What will you give me；〃 he said； 〃for my Bear？〃
〃It will be some five or ten minutes；〃 said the Showman； 〃before I
shall want a fresh Bear； and it looks to me as if prices would fall
during that time。 I think I'll wait and watch the market。〃
〃The price of this animal；〃 the Hunter replied； 〃is down to bed…
rock； you can have him for nothing a pound； spot cash； and I'll
throw in the next one that I lasso。 But the purchaser must remove
the goods from the premises forthwith； to make room for three man…
eating tigers； a cat…headed gorilla； and an armful of
rattlesnakes。〃
But the Showman passed on； in maiden meditation； fancy free； and
being joined soon afterward by the Bear； who was absently picking
his teeth； it was inferred that they were not unacquainted。
The Ineffective Rooter
A DRUNKEN Man was lying in the road with a bleeding nose； upon
which he had fallen； when a Pig passed that way。
〃You wallow fairly well；〃 said the Pig； 〃but； my fine fellow； you
have much to learn about rooting。〃
A Protagonist of Silver
SOME Financiers who were whetting their tongues on their teeth
because the Government had 〃struck down〃 silver； and were about to
〃inaugurate〃 a season of sweatshed； were addressed as follows by a
Member of their honourable and warlike body：
〃Comrades of the thunder and companions of death； I cannot but
regard it as singularly fortunate that we who by conviction and
sympathy are designated by nature as the champions of that fairest
of her products； the white metal； should also； by a happy chance；
be engaged mostly in the business of mining it。 Nothing could be
more appropriate than that those who from unselfish motives and
elevated sentiments are doing battle for the people's rights and
interests； should themselves be the chief beneficiaries of success。
Therefore； O children of the earthquake and the storm； let us stand
shoulder to shoulder； heart to heart； and pocket to pocket！〃
This speech so pleased the other Members of the convention that；
actuated by a magnanimous impulse； they sprang to their feet and
left the hall。 It was the first time they had ever been known to
leave anything having value。
The Holy Deacon
AN Itinerant Preacher who had wrought hard in the moral vineyard
for several hours whispered to a Holy Deacon of the local church：
〃Brother； these people know you； and your active support will bear
fruit abundantly。 Please pass the plate for me； and you shall have
one fourth。〃
The Holy Deacon did so； and putting the money into his