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fruit abundantly。 Please pass the plate for me； and you shall have
one fourth。〃
The Holy Deacon did so； and putting the money into his pocket
waited till the congregation was dismissed and said goodnight。
〃But the money； brother； the money that you collected！〃 said the
Itinerant Preacher。
〃Nothing is coming to you；〃 was the reply； 〃the Adversary has
hardened their hearts； and one fourth is all they gave。〃
A Hasty Settlement
〃YOUR Honour；〃 said an Attorney； rising； 〃what is the present
status of this case … as far as it has gone？〃
〃I have given a judgment for the residuary legatee under the will；〃
said the Court； 〃put the costs upon the contestants； decided all
questions relating to fees and other charges； and； in short； the
estate in litigation has been settled； with all controversies；
disputes； misunderstandings； and differences of opinion thereunto
appertaining。〃
〃Ah； yes； I see；〃 said the Attorney； thoughtfully； 〃we are making
progress … we are getting on famously。〃
〃Progress？〃 echoed the Judge … 〃progress？ Why； sir； the matter is
concluded！〃
〃Exactly； exactly； it had to be concluded in order to give
relevancy to the motion that I am about to make。 Your Honour； I
move that the judgment of the Court be set aside and the case
reopened。〃
〃Upon what ground； sir？〃 the Judge asked in surprise。
〃Upon the ground；〃 said the Attorney； 〃that after paying all fees
and expenses of litigation and all charges against the estate there
will still be something left。〃
〃There may have been an error；〃 said His Honour； thoughtfully …
〃the Court may have underestimated the value of the estate。 The
motion is taken under advisement。〃
The Wooden Guns
AN Artillery Regiment of a State Militia applied to the Governor
for wooden guns to practise with。
〃Those；〃 they explained； 〃will be cheaper than real ones。〃
〃It shall not be said that I sacrificed efficiency to economy；〃
said the Governor。 〃You shall have real guns。〃
〃Thank you； thank you；〃 cried the warriors； effusively。 〃We will
take good care of them； and in the event of war return them to the
arsenal。〃
The Reform School Board
THE members of the School Board in Doosnoswair being suspected of
appointing female teachers for an improper consideration； the
people elected a Board composed wholly of women。 In a few years
the scandal was at an end； there were no female teachers in the
Department。
The Poet's Doom
AN Object was walking along the King's highway wrapped in
meditation and with little else on； when he suddenly found himself
at the gates of a strange city。 On applying for admittance； he was
arrested as a necessitator of ordinances； and taken before the
King。
〃Who are you；〃 said the King； 〃and what is your business in life？〃
〃Snouter the Sneak；〃 replied the Object； with ready invention；
〃pick…pocket。〃
The King was about to command him to be released when the Prime
Minister suggested that the prisoner's fingers be examined。 They
were found greatly flattened and calloused at the ends。
〃Ha！〃 cried the King； 〃I told you so！ … he is addicted to counting
syllables。 This is a poet。 Turn him over to the Lord High
Dissuader from the Head Habit。〃
〃My liege；〃 said the Inventor…in…Ordinary of Ingenious Penalties；
〃I venture to suggest a keener affliction。
〃Name it；〃 the King said。
〃Let him retain that head！〃
It was so ordered。
The Noser and the Note
THE Head Rifler of an insolvent bank； learning that it was about to
be visited by the official Noser into Things； placed his own
personal note for a large amount among its resources； and； gaily
touching his guitar； awaited the inspection。 When the Noser came
to the note he asked； 〃What's this？〃
〃That；〃 said the Assistant Pocketer of Deposits； 〃is one of our
liabilities。〃
〃A liability？〃 exclaimed the Noser。 〃Nay； nay； an asset。 That is
what you mean； doubtless。〃
〃Therein you err；〃 the Pocketer explained； 〃that note was written
in the bank with our own pen； ink； and paper； and we have not paid
a stationery bill for six months。〃
〃Ah； I see；〃 the Noser said； thoughtfully； 〃it is a liability。 May
I ask how you expect to meet it？〃
〃With fortitude； please God；〃 answered the Assistant Pocketer； his
eyes to Heaven raising … 〃with fortitude and a firm reliance on the
laxity of the law。〃
〃Enough； enough；〃 exclaimed the faithful servant of the State；
choking with emotion； 〃here is a certificate of solvency。〃
〃And here is a bottle of ink；〃 the grateful financier said；
slipping it into the other's pocket； 〃it is all that we have。〃
The Cat and the King
A CAT was looking at a King； as permitted by the proverb。
〃Well；〃 said the monarch； observing her inspection of the royal
person； 〃how do you like me？〃
〃I can imagine a King；〃 said the Cat； 〃whom I should like better。〃
〃For example？〃
〃The King of the Mice。〃
The sovereign was so pleased with the wit of the reply that he gave
her permission to scratch his Prime Minister's eyes out。
The Literary Astronomer
THE Director of an Observatory； who； with a thirty…six…inch
refractor； had discovered the moon； hastened to an Editor； with a
four…column account of the event。
〃How much？〃 said the Editor； sententiously； without looking up from
his essay on the circularity of the political horizon。
〃One hundred and sixty dollars；〃 replied the man who had discovered
the moon。
〃Not half enough；〃 was the Editor's comment。
〃Generous man！〃 cried the Astronomer； glowing with warm and
elevated sentiments； 〃pay me； then； what you will。〃
〃Great and good friend；〃 said the Editor； blandly； looking up from
his work； 〃we are far asunder； it seems。 The paying is to be done
by you。〃
The Director of the Observatory gathered up the manuscript and went
away； explaining that it needed correction； he had neglected to dot
an m。
The Lion and the Rattlesnake
A MAN having found a Lion in his path undertook to subdue him by
the power of the human eye； and near by was a Rattlesnake engaged
in fascinating a small bird。
〃How are you getting on； brother？〃 the Man called out to the other
reptile； without removing his eyes from those of the Lion。
〃Admirably；〃 replied the serpent。 〃My success is assured； my
victim draws nearer and nearer in spite of her efforts。〃
〃And mine；〃 said the Man； 〃draws nearer and nearer in spite of
mine。 Are you sure it is all right？〃
〃If you don't think so；〃 the reptile replied as well as he then
could； with his mouth full of bird； 〃you better give it up。〃
A half…hour later； the Lion； thoughtfully picking his teeth with
his claws； told the Rattlesnake that he had never in all his varied
experience in being subdued； seen a subduer try so earnestly to
give it up。 〃But；〃 he added； with a wide； significant smile； 〃I
looked him into countenance。〃
The Man with No Enemies
AN Inoffensive Person walking in a public place was assaulted by a
Stranger with a Club； and severely beaten。
When the Stranger with a Club was brought to trial； the complainant
said to the Judge：
〃I do not know why I was assaulted； I have not an enemy in the
world。〃
〃That；〃 said the defendant； 〃is why I struck him。〃
〃Let the prisoner be discharged；〃 said the Judge； 〃a man who has no
enemies has no friends。 The courts are not for such。〃
The Alderman and the Raccoon
〃I SEE quite a number of rings on your tail；〃 said an Alderman to a
Raccoon that he met in a zoological garden。
〃Yes；〃 replied the Raccoon； 〃and I hear quite a number of tales on
your ring。〃
The Alderman； being of a sensitive； retiring disposition； shrank
from further comparison； and； strolling to another part of the
garden； stole the camel。
The Flying…Machine
AN Ingenious Man who had built a flying…machine invited a great
concourse of people to see it go up。 At the appointed moment；
everything being ready； he boarded the car and turned on the power。
The machine immediately broke through the massive