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may kick me to death if he wish； but until he does he shall give me
shelter from the storm。 He has swallowed my umbrella。〃
The Returned Californian
A MAN was hanged by the neck until he was dead。
〃Whence do you come？〃 Saint Peter asked when the Man presented
himself at the gate of Heaven。
〃From California；〃 replied the applicant。
〃Enter； my son； enter； you bring joyous tidings。〃
When the Man had vanished inside； Saint Peter took his memorandum…
tablet and made the following entry：
〃February 16； 1893。 California occupied by the Christians。〃
The Compassionate Physician
A KIND…HEARTED Physician sitting at the bedside of a patient
afflicted with an incurable and painful disease； heard a noise
behind him； and turning saw a cat laughing at the feeble efforts of
a wounded mouse to drag itself out of the room。
〃You cruel beast！〃 cried he。 〃Why don't you kill it at once； like
a lady？〃
Rising； he kicked the cat out of the door； and picking up the mouse
compassionately put it out of its misery by pulling off its head。
Recalled to the bedside by the moans of his patient； the Kind…
hearted Physician administered a stimulant； a tonic； and a
nutrient； and went away。
Two of the Damned
TWO Blighted Beings； haggard； lachrymose； and detested； met on a
blasted heath in the light of a struggling moon。
〃I wish you a merry Christmas；〃 said the First Blighted Being； in a
voice like that of a singing tomb。
〃And I you a happy New Year；〃 responded the Second Blighted Being；
with the accent of a penitent accordeon。
They then fell upon each other's neck and wept scalding rills down
each other's spine in token of their banishment to the Realm of
Ineffable Bosh。 For one of these accursed creatures was the First
of January； and the other the Twenty…fifth of December。
The Austere Governor
A GOVERNOR visiting a State prison was implored by a Convict to
pardon him。
〃What are you in for？〃 asked the Governor。
〃I held a high office；〃 the Convict humbly replied； 〃and sold
subordinate appointments。〃
〃Then I decline to interfere；〃 said the Governor； with asperity； 〃a
man who abuses his office by making it serve a private end and
purvey a personal advantage is unfit to be free。 By the way； Mr。
Warden；〃 he added to that official； as the Convict slunk away； 〃in
appointing you to this position； I was given to understand that
your friends could make the Shikane county delegation to the next
State convention solid for … for the present Administration。 Was I
rightly informed？〃
〃You were； sir。〃
〃Very well； then； I will bid you good…day。 Please be so good as to
appoint my nephew Night Chaplain and Reminder of Mothers and
Sisters。〃
Religions of Error
HEARING a sound of strife； a Christian in the Orient asked his
Dragoman the cause of it。
〃The Buddhists are cutting Mohammedan throats；〃 the Dragoman
replied； with oriental composure。
〃I did not know；〃 remarked the Christian； with scientific interest；
〃that that would make so much noise。〃
〃The Mohammedans are cutting Buddhist throats； too；〃 added the
Dragoman。
〃It is astonishing；〃 mused the Christian； 〃how violent and how
general are religious animosities。 Everywhere in the world the
devotees of each local faith abhor the devotees of every other； and
abstain from murder only so long as they dare not commit it。 And
the strangest thing about it is that all religions are erroneous
and mischievous excepting mine。 Mine； thank God； is true and
benign。〃
So saying he visibly smugged and went off to telegraph for a
brigade of cutthroats to protect Christian interests。
The Penitent Elector
A PERSON belonging to the Society for Passing Resolutions of
Respect for the Memory of Deceased Members having died received the
customary attention。
〃Good Heavens！〃 exclaimed a Sovereign Elector； on hearing the
resolutions read； 〃what a loss to the nation！ And to think that I
once voted against that angel for Inspector of Gate…latches in
Public Squares！〃
In remorse the Sovereign Elector deprived himself of political
influence by learning to read。
The Tail of the Sphinx
A DOG of a taciturn disposition said to his Tail：
〃Whenever I am angry； you rise and bristle； when I am pleased； you
wag； when I am alarmed； you tuck yourself in out of danger。 You
are too mercurial … you disclose all my emotions。 My notion is
that tails are given to conceal thought。 It is my dearest ambition
to be as impassive as the Sphinx。〃
〃My friend； you must recognise the laws and limitations of your
being；〃 replied the Tail； with flexions appropriate to the
sentiments uttered； 〃and try to be great some other way。 The
Sphinx has one hundred and fifty qualifications for impassiveness
which you lack。〃
〃What are they？〃 the Dog asked。
〃One hundred and forty…nine tons of sand on her tail。〃
〃And … ？〃
〃A stone tail。〃
A Prophet of Evil
AN Undertaker Who Was a Member of a Trust saw a Man Leaning on a
Spade； and asked him why he was not at work。
〃Because；〃 said the Man Leaning on a Spade； 〃I belong to the
Gravediggers' National Extortion Society； and we have decided to
limit the production of graves and get more money for the reduced
output。 We have a corner in graves and propose to work it to the
best advantage。〃
〃My friend；〃 said the Undertaker Who Was a Member of a Trust； 〃this
is a most hateful and injurious scheme。 If people cannot be
assured of graves； I fear they will no longer die； and the best
interests of civilisation will wither like a frosted leaf。〃
And blowing his eyes upon his handkerchief； he walked away
lamenting。
The Crew of the Life…boat
THE Gallant Crew at a life…saving station were about to launch
their life…boat for a spin along the coast when they discovered；
but a little distance away； a capsized vessel with a dozen men
clinging to her keel。
〃We are fortunate；〃 said the Gallant Crew； 〃to have seen that in
time。 Our fate might have been the same as theirs。〃
So they hauled the life…boat back into its house； and were spared
to the service of their country。
A Treaty of Peace
THROUGH massacres of each other's citizens China and the United
States had been four times plunged into devastating wars； when； in
the year 1994； arose a Philosopher in Madagascar； who laid before
the Governments of the two distracted countries the following MODUS
VIVENDI：
〃Massacres are to be sternly forbidden as heretofore； but any
citizen or subject of either country disobeying the injunction is
to detach the scalps of all persons massacred and deposit them with
a local officer designated to receive and preserve them and sworn
to keep and render a true account thereof。 At the conclusion of
each massacre in either country； or as soon thereafter as
practicable； or at stated regular periods； as may be provided by
treaty； there shall be an exchange of scalps between the two
Governments； scalp for scalp； without regard to sex or age； the
Government having the greatest number is to be taxed on the excess
at the rate of 1000 a scalp； and the other Government credited
with the amount。 Once in every decade there shall be a general
settlement； when the balance due shall be paid to the creditor
nation in Mexican dollars。〃
The plan was adopted； the necessary treaty made； with legislation
to carry out its provisions； the Madagascarene Philosopher took his
seat in the Temple of Immortality； and Peace spread her white wings
over the two nations； to the unspeakable defiling of her plumage。
The Nightside of Character
A GIFTED and Honourable Editor； who by practice of his profession
had acquired wealth and distinction； applied to an Old Friend for
the hand of his daughter in marriage。
〃With all my heart； and God bless you！〃 said the Old Friend；
grasping him by both hands。 〃It is a greater honour than I had
dared to hope for。〃
〃I knew what your answer would be；〃 replied the Gifted and
Honourable Editor。 〃And yet；〃 he added； with a sly smile； 〃I feel
that I ought to